AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

I think that taking the house off the market while he processes his grief around the loss of his parents is a very sensible idea.

My DH just turned 50 and lost both parents within 3 years of each other, so we've had the process of selling the only family home he and his siblings had known. I really sympathise with your DH, I know the impact the last few years have had on this family and I hope his counselling helps as it is not a good situation for anyone involved.

I am seriously surprised the estate agents aren't getting really arsey with him. They've put a lot of time into marketing the property and he is wasting their time now.
He really does need counselling.

I'd suggest he explores what his idea of a 'good family' is in counselling. If he can come up with some solid and sensible 'not the right buyer' criteria, he may be better able to evaluate the offers rather than going by just his gut saying no. Reading your updates, I completely understand why he would want the house to go to a family and not be sold to developers. Wearing the wrong shoes is a very odd though; maybe he could discuss this in counselling and try to get to the bottom of where the reluctance is really coming from. Maybe he could take some of the letters from potential buyers and go through those during his next session.

My mum (and last surviving parent) died earlier this year leaving my sister and I in the position of having to sell the house that had been the main family home for just under 60 years.

I do have some sympathy with your DH because putting your childhood home on the market, as we have just done, feels very strange. A home is so much more than just bricks and mortar. However, we both know that neither of us will ever live there again as we have our own homes and families now. We also know that both parents wanted us to benefit equally so the only way to ensure that happens is to sell the property and split the proceeds.

That said, whilst I do have some understanding for your DH, and he is clearly struggling, I still think his reaction seems extreme. I hope that his counsellor is able to help him here. The shoes and other stuff worn by potential buyers, plus whether they remove said shoes once in the house for viewing are all irrelevant to the sale. Anyone who buys it will live by their own rules and put their own stamp on it. Your DH will not and cannot expect to have any control over that.

The agent's patience with your DH will wear thin and run out before too long I should think.

Your DH currently seems to have cast himself in the role of guardian of his parents' house and he needs to cast that notion aside if the house isn't to become a massive white elephant, an attraction to squatters, and a money pit for you because council tax and other utility bills will have to continue to be paid, perhaps at the penal rate for second homes.

I wouldn't try to involve his siblings. The house has been left to your DH, and it is a good thing that they aren't too bothered about it.

Aw I feel for him. If the house has been in his family for so long and then he lost both parents in a short space of time- that’s hard. Ignore the posters who seem to think he should get a grip just because he is older when losing his parents. I was a teenager when I lost a parent and I totally understand his grief. I can imagine being similar to your dh when my dad goes. I think you are doing the right thing - you are backing off, supporting him in counselling and nobody is desperate for the inheritance. Let him work through it himself - as long as it isn’t costing your family ££ you can’t afford. He will get there when he is ready.
Best wishes to you op

Oh so he's got form for this then?

I'm not sure it is the grief then in that case. Seems more controlling and a little bit snobby to me.

The the whole family is controlling I don’t think they are though I do know them.

This doesn't sound like a situation that is fair on anyone. I think it would probably be best for the house to be taken off the market until he is ready to sell.
Whether his grief is "normal" or not is in the point this is the grief he is experiencing. Take it off the market give him chance to talk through how he is feeling in counselling and go from there.

We wanted to sell our house to a nice family but the biggest priority was to sell it and move on. We had several offers after the first weekend of viewings. We had 2 equal offers - one from a person who let their kids rummage in our bedroom drawers and someone with 2 children who were polite. We went the second person but it turned out when the sale went through that it was a buy to let. I can understand wanting to know a bit about the people you are selling too but his judgements of others are illogical. Your can't reason with illogical, you have to let them come to see the light.

My condolences to you and your family 🧡

I am not happy with his action but we’ll see how the counselling goes he’s just started so have to give him a bit of time first. In terms of the agents, the sales negotiators manager is a partner at KF and went to school with DH, they’re friends from school and he too know the area knows the type of person DH would like. As I mentioned houses within the area never really go for sale unless the family is strapped for cash they’re usually just passed down through family. I don’t think their patience will wear thin just yet. His friend was telling us about a house that was on and off the market for 6 years because the sellers wanted a particular person/family for the house. In the end they did find one. Sales negotiators have dealt with these situations before he’s told us some horror stories this is take compared to the ones we’ve heard. It’s not even a year yet he’s even said it’s fine if it takes him max two years to find a family for the house that will utilise the house to it’s entirety not sale the acres of land to developers etc within a year.

Typo. I meant then the whole family us controlling. I don’t think they are because I’ve know them my whole adult life from age 19.

4 more viewings which have been booked then KF will take it off market.

He’s aware of that risk, we will just have to see how it all plays out which is why he does ask in depth questions. If he finds someone from the area/neighbouring area that will be perfect as at least they’ll have a connection to the area. He doesn’t want high offers from people with houses in London etc trying to buy a country house with acres of land and with no idea what they’d use the land for.

My advice would be that it’s too soon after his father’s death to deal with such a big emotional upheaval that is selling the family home.
I would shelve the sale for now and concentrate on getting back some equilibrium.
It’s a shame that the house has been cleared as you can’t all meet up there for family reunions and celebrations. Sounds like such a lovely family home.
I hope he gets the time and space he needs to heal. Grieving is tough; at the beginning it can have you on the floor and you don’t really get over it, eventually you just get used to carrying the hurt.

He needs to stop being such a big baby. Vendors like this never sell because sensible buyers want to avoid such immaturity. The family need to get a grip and confront him as a united unit

Agree but also there’s been families who have come back multiple times after their offer has been declined to ask why, how they can present their offer better etc.

I don’t think the house will struggle to sell it at least not now. He just wants it to attract genuine people not just people from London who already own houses live in Chelsea etc. They don’t know what to do with land, one family that was interested, the couple were both born in London, they did tell us what area they in London they’re from and it was pretty clear they don’t really know much about owning land they just had money. That’s not the type he’s trying to attract.

It will be removed from the market after the upcoming booked viewings and then he will figure out what he’d like to do then reconvene.

I don't understanding the reason for you posting OP.
You have pretty much shot down all the opinions and decided that DH will just carry on and you (and the family) are doing nothing to intervene.

What have you been telling the prospective viewers when they ask for feedback?

Are there any independent or local estate agents that you could look at that might have different connections?

He’s obviously still grieving hopefully the counselling will help. The sale of the house may help his healing. Has the house been cleared yet or is it just as his df left it

Make sure he looks into insurance. When my next door neighbours went abroad for a while, they had to get a family member to sleep in the house for a couple of nights a year otherwise the home insurance was void.

Here's your best answer. Maybe dont call the poor guy a loon to his face op but its time to be this firm.