AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

I think the main thing is that you have equal free time? It sounds like he has more spare time?

Do you have the same amount of leisure time?

I’m lucky if I get an hour of free time per week.

Do you have full access to money ?

The thing is, I’m ok with having less leisure time. I’d just like to feel like he pulled his weight with the kids a bit more.

Ish.

Does he ever want to spend time with the children?

This is why I would never give up my job to raise kids. It fucks you over in so many ways.

I don’t fe like he does. He would say he does but I think his actions suggest otherwise.

I guess the bigger thing is are you happy with it? What does pulling his weight with the kids more mean to you? Have you raised this with him?

I sympathise as i am in a similair position. I think my husband works really hard and the pressure of being the sole earner must be great. This season of life with young kids is relentless and can really make couples do the 'i do more, I earn more, I have it harder' etc.

I think the problem is he doesn’t want to spend time with his family. My girls are grown now but my very busy DH wanted to spend his free time with us and he would be embarrassed if he hadn’t changed nappies or been fully involved.

What an excuse for a father and husband.

Do you like him? From the title of your thread it would appear not.

If that's the case you are free to divorce whenever you wish.

Setting aside the money and division of labour stuff, I find it really depressing he doesnt seem to want to actually be a parent to them, its like he's handing over money to be a fun uncle. You and he should both get downtime, sure, but id still expect him to be doing stuff in the evenings and weekends naturally because he wants to? It sounds like a lot of downtime for him currently..more downtime than spent parenting the children he created.

I think I’d like to feel we are a bigger priority. He would argue that providing for our family shows we are his priority. But he never rushes home to see us or anything. He never seems to put in effort (eg. Planning days out with the kids etc) but he woukd say that’s because I’m better at it.

I divorced a man like this.

What's in it for you? You are effectively a financially comfortable single parent by the sounds of things. It's not my idea of marriage.

This is exactly it. I am a single parent with a wedding ring.

Exactly this. On the rare occasions he looks after the DC alone, he will take them to a toy shop and spend £££ on them as opposed to actually connecting with them.

Well I suppose he could argue that you never ‘work’ or don’t contribute financially which is his role so he has his role and you have yours.

but I think at weekends at least you both need some time to relax otherwise your job is 24x7x365 days a year.

what is it you want him to do and have you approached him ?

I think that's the deal if you are a sahm. How long are his hours? On a typical day what time does he leave the house and what time does he get home?

Well, he’s not lazy, is he? He works a lot. But he doesn’t seem to want to prioritise time with his kids, which isn’t good. You seem very angry with him and you don’t seem to like him at all, by the way you talk about him.

I honestly don’t know. I know that I’m getting fed up with the principle of this. But I go back and forth between accepting that this is what happens when you’re a SAHM and really resenting him.

Can you save? Does he pay into a pension for you? How long are you out of work?

Sounds like he works hard but is also fairly checked out. I think that's a risky position for you.

You are a married single mum. Been there and its very lonely.

@Hatty65 whats in it for op? You mean apart from a roof over her head, food paid for, all bills paid for, not having to work, ability to raise children without juggling a full time job?

An average work day would be 9-7pm in terms of hours out of the house. 8:30pm 3 days a week after socialising.