AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

Exactly. It’s hard as I know in some ways I’m very very fortunate. But I still don’t feel happy. And I don’t know if it’s a me problem or a him problem.

That sounds very typical, even in not high-flying careers.

You said very long hours? They are not long hours , that’s any normal corporate job really

I'm a single mum and I'd rather be in my situation than OP's.

It sounds really disappointing, above all. You think you're in a team with someone else who loves the dc just as much, but then they don't act like a teammate and don't seem emotionally committed.

I feel for you OP. It could be worse, but I still feel for you.

Just investigate getting a divorce if you’re not happy. You don’t need to justify it.

Yes. I feel sad for my DCA as they adore their Daddy but he puts in no effort with them other than financially.

Those hours aren't even long! He's a lazy, selfish shit.

I’m not trying to justify anything. Like I say, some days I think I’m in the wrong for expecting more, some days I’m raging that he doesn’t do more.

well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails
This is certainly my experience and it’s possible to be true and to still feel resentful.

I guess you need to decide where the line is? Will you tolerate the distance and lack of involvement in exchange for a comfortable life and 2 parent household or would you rather actually be a single parent?

What I will say is the absent parent doesn’t change as the children age in my experience. The children get ‘easier’ as they get older but eventually they start to notice and wonder why they have one parent doing everything and one parent who does practically nothing. It’s then on you to explain to them why you stayed….

That's really tricky. I wonder if you could mitigate it a bit, in an age-appropriate way. Try to protect their self-confidence from being damaged. Make sure they know how valuable they are.

How straightforward would it be for you to go back to work?

This is what I need to weigh up.

My eldest DC already asks why they don’t see Daddu very often and it’s easy to answer for now. But I worry what president this sets for future relationship expectations for them.

Not very. But I know things always tend to work out in the end.

Op my friend had 3 kids did all the run around school ballet etc. To be fair Saturday was her break. Do you get any rest at all? He should step up more yes. Its hard being at home I did it for a while

He didn’t want to be a husband and father.
He wanted a wife and kids, but the less they all bother him or expect anything from him the better.
A SAHM stand for “stay at home MOTHER”, not a stay at home 24/7/365 one woman domestic staff.
It’s the ultimate manifestation of male privilege to believe that you have the right to do less work than ever before when you have children.

No I don’t. But I don’t want or need lots of free time, I’d just like him to step up whilst I’m there!

He’s hardly ‘lazy’ is he. He’s the breadwinner. Back in the day that was the role of the man. The role of the woman was to raise the children. Then it became that that wasn’t good enough and look at the state this country is in now. Looking after kids shouldn’t be seen as ‘less’ or a weakness. It’s the most important job in the world.

I agree that it’s the most important job in the world. I just wish DH prioritised the DC more.

Yes, that’s what I said. You don’t need to justify it.

He’s not going to is he so you have a choice to make.

I’m not justifying. I just want other opinions.

Have you actually asked him to 1) become an active participant in the family 2) take some responsibility sometimes ( like at weekends ) to give you a break ?

Why did he decide to become a parent?

It’s hard to say. How many hours a week does he work and commute? I think if you feel you spend more than that on domestic tasks and childcare, then it is fair to require his support.
The problem with senior-level jobs is they do require a degree of out of hours work and networking. It’s just really tough to do these jobs, they pay a lot because they are demanding.
My last job was head of function and I sat on our ExCo - I literally did nothing at home because I didn’t have the mental capacity or physical hours in the day. My husband works full time but he stepped up and cooked, took main care of our girls etc.

Is your husband supportive when he’s about?
Editing to add that having read your further posts I think you need to talk to him - if kids are saying they never see him and he is off to the gym at weekends, imho that’s a problem. 2 nights out a week and weekends at home seems reasonable. Maybe he has a day or an afternoon with them every weekend to redress that balance and give you some time off?

Why aren't you paying for childcare so that you have some free time?
If you can't or aren't allowed, then you are in a controlling relationship.
He doesn't want to be with you all.
This is harsh to read, but it is facts.
Lots of men have big careers, with SAHWives....but they get home and stay home.

They are not out gallivanting 3 nights a week and off at the weekend.

He's a selfish prick.
You are very foolish if you don't wake up to protecting yourself soon.
You need a back up plan.

Men like this inevitably cheat IMO.
They aren't around their family's enough to stay connected.

Protect yourself.