AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

Perhaps he just doesn’t know how to relate to the kids as he never had good models growing up.

What’s life like if you all go away on holiday? Does he hang out with you all then?

DH is a high earner I guess (means different things to different people), DH comes home and completes work after DC are in bed so he’s here for dinner and bathtime. He is away a few days at a time but then will roll up sleeves when he comes home. Tbh all his spare time is spent with us, he works a lot and is with other people a lot and basically likes spending what time he does have with us.

If he has a job that relies in networking a lot I would understand a bit more. But no as a SAHM I would expect more interaction with the kids tbh. He’s still a dad, even if he’s making lots of money.

Well it doesn't sound as though he'd want 50/50 access if you split up but do you think he'd be difficult towards you and the children financially? I'm a solo parent and agree with the previous single parent that I'd rather have my life than this.

This wouldn’t be acceptable to me. What if you (god forbid) topple over tomorrow? He’s choosing to spend a lot of time outside work and home and he has to step up.

I’m sorry - as a long time user of MN I don’t think this feels like the normal conversational chat of a human being? I hope I’m wrong but there’s something ‘off’ about the conversation. OP, please say something that makes you seem like a pissed off female human who might live in somewhere like Seaham.

As another poster said, this is always the risk of choosing to be a SAHM; you ultimately become reliant on a man who then has the power to take advantage of that.

If he is doing his share of household tasks, as well as working full time in a demanding career than he is doing more than most working Dads do. I bet your children are quite young or some of them are? As they get older he will be more involved. He is doing more than my husband used to do when I was working 4 days a week (and he WFH full time btw). If all you really want from him is for him to spend more time with the kids, organise some days out on the weekend and tell him he's coming, give him enough notice though.

He probably feels like what else can he really do?

@Careerhelpppp Do you have savings and is he paying into a pension for you? Is your access to money unfettered or do you have to ask each time you need to buy something? Who controls the finances? Does he view it as his money?

Sensitive question to ask, but did he want children? Wondering whether it was always seen as if we have kids then they will be yours to deal with (which you may have happily agreed to along with being a SAHM which to many is a luxury).

He doesn't sound lazy, working long hours and doing jobs around the house.
Maybe he struggles to connect with the children (based on his own upbringing or whether you are all a team and he only gets in the way/does it wrong if he gets involved).

Your children must be school age if your DH takes time off for their plays, so during term time you will have a lot more than an hour a week free time to yourself. You also say that he does his share of housework, so I really don’t think you have a bad deal here.

If your DH doesn’t interact with his children much then it’s probably because he didn’t learn how to from his own parents. If they were neglectful he will have no frame of reference as to how he is supposed to act as a loving father towards them. Maybe their relationship will get stronger as the children grow and become adults. You can’t pin your happiness on the relationship your children have with their father so you need to find something else to fulfil yourself other than just being a SAhM.

Get a job.

Because daddy is working to pay for the roof over your heads? Crikey, he’s out working not partying! I think you need some perspective. You could divorce him if you feel like a single parent now but then you’d have to work full time around the kids and pay for childcare, could you earn as much as he does? So actually you’re not a single parent now, you have a husband who funds your current lifestyle and life would be much harder financially if you left him.

I used to work with men like that that didn’t buy in to family life at all. They are most likely to shag around too.

This is such a depressing out look.

I initially said you were being unreasonable but changed my mind with your further updates. It was the ‘well I’ll go PT then’ because we all know he wouldn’t, he just feels safe to say it. You should have equal free time - even if you don’t feel you need it you should take it for your own well being. In your position I’d find a hobby to do for at least 1/2 day on the weekends and leave him with the children. Or start a course that interests you. Ideally a couple of flexible nights during the week too where he can be left with bathtime and bed. Maybe the gym? One thing I do know, if you are there, he will NOT step up - you must physically absent yourself. Also, when you say ‘ish’ in terms of access to finances, change that to a definite. It is a matter of respect.

We split out labour in a similar way

All of this sounds fine except the weekend to me.

Ask him if he wants to be a dad not just a provider.

Thing is he does have the financial responsibility of the whole household, that is a pressure you don’t have. He isn’t lazy, he might be selfish, but you need to sit down and talk to each other without accusations.

Once the two children are in school you will have a lot more time for you.

The children don’t see him and they could do with a dad around at the weekend to play.

But do I think he should do domestic or child jobs, no that’s your job, in this set up.

Also as many point out you need to be solid in your relationship for this set up to not make you vulnerable, I know many on MN don’t trust the man to not waltz off leaving you broke with no employment prospects, you need to be able to voice your concerns and have full confidence that he adores you and will do anything you need to reassure you of this set up.

If you can’t talk to him openly, freely, about anything and everything you should look at that closely and question if this is right for you.

I said, I was happy to stay at home and would do all child and domestic labour but it was impossible for me to be their dad, he had to do that bit. And he did because our children are the light of his life.

We are at the end of “child rearing” mid/later teens, H is looking to retire, not yet but eying that possibility, he has always been around at weekends, he did a lot of bedtime reading because it was books he wanted to read to them, he takes them to their clubs, drives them and their mates round, helps with homework, plays chess (because I am little challenge to them). I can blurt out anything and everything and he will do everything he can to improve things and make me feel better, or at least listen, or try to find an answer. I can explain in detail the reason I can’t find an acceptable bread bin or my spiralling thoughts on a teenage friendship and he will listen to everything with love and devotion.

If you can’t talk and work together in this set up with the children front and centre of everything you both do it will be much harder. Childrearing doesn’t get easier it just changes what is hard. He needs to be a dad, he should want to be a dad. You need to be assured everything you are doing is respected and appreciated.

It’s stressful being the sole earner, you need to appreciate that and tell him but it’s also stressful not earning and being the SAH, plus financially vulnerable he needs to appreciate and understand that.

Talk. Calmly, respectful, without blame. If nothing else you become closer as a couple and it gets easier to talk the more you do it (plus being closer and having that confidence makes sex more enjoyable which makes you closer and easier to talk as well it all feeds in). You all have the groundwork to have a solid, beneficial, happy family life together. It would be a shame to end up in a cycle of resentment and conflict.

What on earth are you on about?

@Careerhelpppp AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time.

DH does do his share of household tasks, I’ll give him that.

It's sad watching this play out, but you can only do as much as you have to rectify it.

The relationship he forges with the children NOW is the one he will have in 20-30 years time when work has moved on, when he is retired, when he has grandchildren he wants to brag about.

He, and only he, needs to lay the groundwork for his future now, and its just as important and having a full pension fund.
If he can't see that, if he doesn't want to change his comfortable lifestyle to develop a relationship with his children, then he also has to realise that he is going to be quite lonely when his high flying job has discarded him and his ephemeral friends with it.
You've tried, and he's not playing. All you can do is live your best life as a married single mother, love your children, have fun with your children and say nothing in the years to come.
Maybe put "cats in the cradle" on his spotfy play list...

While longer than average, those hours aren’t that long, my husband walks out the house at 6.30am and walks back in at 6.45 pm!!
The evenings are a tricky one as he’s been at work all day and you’ve had the kids all day but he shouldn’t necessarily be at work all day then come home and take over the kids from you so you can rest or where is his rest after work? However weekends you should both have some down time.

Start stashing some money away. At some point you'll need it.

I don’t think a high paying job justifies opting out from parenting. I am the high earner and DH was a SAHD for a while. We both looked after the DC. At several stages in my career I was working far longer hours than your DH but didn’t get to opt out of childcare.

In the evening I did need some downtime when I got in from work just 15-20 mins to get out of work mode. Then I could take over the bedtime routine. Reading stories to the DC was a great relaxation.

We had a lie in and morning off each on the weekend so one of use would get up and sort the DC whilst the other slept in. It’s amazing the difference that makes.

Who the F thinks this is reasonable?! It's not the 50s, he is also a parent to his children and he is doing zero parenting!!

You also work FULL TIME!

He works yes, but not unusually hard, out of the house 9am to 7pm is not ultra long hours.

I work in a middle ranking public sector job and I am generally out of the house from 8am to 7pm. Mr Monkey works in retail and some shifts he can be out of the house 10am - 10.30pm.

Where is he being unreasonable?

DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time.

DH does do his share of household tasks, I’ll give him that.