AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

I’ve been reading your posts about how he takes the dc for food and to buy toys and it’s really striking that he doesn’t actually know how to interact with them.

Does he play any sports or have a hobby, or did he in the past? I’m wondering if there’s a way that you could encourage some play. It might be a better starting point for creating connection with the dc, than care tasks at the moment, or getting time for yourself. They’re still valid goals but they might be more achievable if he actually bonded with the dc.

Even to set up a game between you and one of the dc, and then ask him to step in while you disappear into the bathroom for a while, and leave them to it.

It sounds to me like DH is one of those men who likes to have a wife and children for the aesthetics, so he can look like a normal person. Wife and kids are just more status symbols, like the job and house and car. He doesn’t actually want to be a husband and father though. I know so many men who weaponise their Very Big Important Jobs yo
avoid their families.

I may be incorrect here but I thought he started work at 9.
Anyway, no matter according to OP he's a high flyer earning lots of money so that's what I'm going by.

I'm not bitter.
Merely outlining what her choices are.

She could, of course, get a job herself.
Otherwise the accusations of him behaving like a 1950's man are a bit rich considering she's behaving like a 50's housewife.

The OP has not said he has forbidden her from having a job, has she?

There's no abuse here that I can see on his part.

No he leaves the house at 9. He returns at 7 on the days he’s not socialising. A perfectly normal amount of time to be out of the house, but it’s almost as if he leaves late in the morning ensure he will miss dinner and bath every evening. If he left at 7am he would be home at 5pm, hardly exhaustive ‘high flying’ hours that stop him from engaging in family life.

I’m not sure where getting a job herself would address her husband’s lack of interest in family life and his children?

I think the phrase
providing for his family
Is a line that's fed to many sahms from uninvolved dad's, he is doing a job he likes and is getting paid a lot of money for it, which gives him financial freedom to do what he wants and by the sounds of it he does

Women on here often say they hate motherhood and wished they hadn’t had their children. Maybe the OPs husband doesn’t enjoy the family dynamic. You can’t make a parent enjoy parenting. (It’s obviously the children that suffer long term.)

That would work if it wasn’t always the OP doing a double shift including weekends. I once added up what it would cost my high-earning husband to replace my unpaid labour, and it turned out that even with his high salary, he couldn’t afford it. SAH motherhood is 24/7. However, there are laws in this country that prevent employers from exploiting their workforce in the same way. Go figure

Not sure how you get someone else to be more engaged with their children but one thing I would do is have a hard conversation with him about the what might happen should he continue to be disengaged from his children. The first seven years are key and if his kids get to that age having had multiple experiences of being batted away by him/seeing him bored and distracted whilst they are trying to connect with him that will firmly register with them. This isn't usually result in a great relationship with older and adult children.

Unfortunately though, this is not something you can do for him - all you can do is make it clear to him the choices he is making every day with his actions.

As for you, I'd ask for change and if it doesn't happen then I do think you have consider your position and at the very least get back into the work place.

This was me I. The late 80’s early 90’s. My husband was out to work before children were awake and not home until after they’d gone to bed. I clearly remember looking round senior schools for my son, and a mum from junior school said “ is this your husband”. When I said yes, she said “I always thought you were a single parent” which made me laugh. My children are now late 30’s and when I look back I realise how lucky I was to have had that time with them. Yes it was frustrating and hard work, but honestly the rewards of looking back on those times are magic.

My daughter now has a child who went into nursery at 11 months old and spends her life panicking about trains being cancelled and calling on me to collect baby and hold the fort until she can get home. They pay for a cleaner, someone to do the ironing, groceries delivered and sorting play dates all weekend. I know which life I’d rather have. Btw her husband is incredibly hands on, they really do share the load.

I was a lorry driver when I had my first 2 children. Worked long hours every day, overtime at weekends etc. when I was at home I did as much as I could, night feeds, nappy changes, baths etc. being busy or tired isnt an excuse not to chip in with your kids.

Women raising kids are being exploited? That’s where it’s all gone wrong. Go figure.

Exactly, plus the bigger and more important you are, the less likely you need to socialise. How do I know? I have a big important job and I pick and choose when I socialise for work. I had to do more when I was lower down the food chain

@FeelingHerAge You always have the choice to return to paid employment? Nobody forces you to be a SAHM if you don't like it.

And no one forced her to have two children!

He works and provides for the family. Pays the mortgage, the bill, puts food on the table. So he does his bit. You have to do your bit.

Thanks for sharing.

Can I ask how your husband and daughter’s relationship was in childhood? And now?

Not to minimise, but his career is involved with sports as opposed to banking etc… it’s not like he’s climbing a corporate career ladder.

Has he always worked these hours or has it changed when children arrived?

It seems as if he has very clear view of perceived roles, was that obvious when you were dating?

If one child is 5 years old doesn't that mean that you have several hours with only one child while the other is at school?

I'd be more concerned about 'ish' when it comes to access to money tbh. That would be enough reason to get myself back to work ASAP.

when your children are in school/nursery then you will have more free time. If you organise family activities on the weekend does he take part? If he does then I’d make sure I arrange regular family activities. As far as going to the barbar, gym etc then if he is working long hours the weekend maybe the only time he can fit this in. When he is out after work is that part of his job as being very senior e.g entertaining clients. My husband works long hours and is the higher earner and did not have much of a relationship with the kids when they were young so most the responsibilities for everything fell on me - but I was also juggling working part time which made it feel more unfair. If you are unhappy perhaps arrange some time for just you and him to spend some time together and discuss it when you are not feeling tired/frustrated.

So, what youre saying is that he works looooooong hours. Provides for all of you. Does his fair share of the household tasks, but is lazy anf selfish for not spending enough time with the kids?

@Careerhelpppp

Have you highlighted that he’s repeating the same pattern of his parents? Does he want it to go the same way as it did with his?

(Granted, you haven’t shared the details of his neglect, so maybe he’s compensating for the way they specifically neglected him).

If he doesn’t emotionally invest, neither will they.

He may want to think about some therapy for it.

They are incredibly close. We’ve all, the whole family and spouses, just been on holiday together. As a child my daughter had ponies and my husband would always show up to horse shows and take her up and down to the yard at weekends. He was also the go to for homework help as she grew up and was up when he got back from work.

Yes working looooooooong bog standard 8-9 hour days and using it as an excuse not to spend time with your children and family makes you selfish and lazy.