AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

You don’t have kids do you?

My two-penneth is I think you’d benefit from talking this through with a therapist/counsellor. A good one will help you process and figure out what you want/need. Good luck.

How old are the children? and How long have you been a SAHM?

Could you find something to do in the week that could bring him back into helping out? e.g. could you sign up for a regular exercise class, a swimming group, the WI? something that say starts at 7 or 8 then you could ask him to help out once a week? say children will be bathed and ready for bed, but need dad to put them to bed and read them a book.
This could give some down time for you and get him more involved with helping out.
Good luck

How old are the children? and How long have you been a SAHM?

Could you find something to do in the week that could bring him back into helping out? e.g. could you sign up for a regular exercise class, a swimming group, the WI? something that say starts at 7 or 8 then you could ask him to help out once a week? say children will be bathed and ready for bed, but need dad to put them to bed and read them a book.
This could give some down time for you and get him more involved with helping out.
Good luck

How old are the children? and How long have you been a SAHM?

Could you find something to do in the week that could bring him back into helping out? e.g. could you sign up for a regular exercise class, a swimming session, the WI? something that say starts at 7 or 8 then you could ask him to help out once a week? say children will be bathed and ready for bed, but need dad to put them to bed and read them a book.
This could give some down time for you and get him more involved with helping out.
Good luck

I’m a housewife and SAHM, my DH cooks, is fully involved in bedtime, we revert to a more 50:50 set up during the evenings/weekends/school holidays BUT he’s a teacher, so can always be home between 5-6pm. His work does not involve evening socialising/nights away ever, or I’d expect to pick up the slack in the evenings.

When I was intensively breastfeeding and home-making all baby and toddler food, my DH always did the cooking for the two of us. He also did a lot of co-sleeping with our youngest around night feeds so I could get some sleep ready to have the energy to care for both the next day (my eldest didn’t go to nursery at all until term after 3rd birthday). He has refused to change to a school further away or push for promotions to be able to give this amount of time to home.

Our leisure time has always been equal, we’ve always ensured each of us gets time to exercise or pop out in the evening alone to see family, friends etc for the odd dinner it cinema trip without the children. Date nights are also essential or you can feel like ships in the night.

Once your children are in school, you will gain some me-time back during the day. It is far easier to get at the housework, gardening, go for a long walk or swim once they go to school. Things will seem way easier then!

The support network should start with the children's other parent.

Their father doesn't work at weekends. There is no reason why OP should be doing all of the parenting all day and all night over the 60 or so hours that her husband is off work as well as all the days he does work. He should be parenting, not 'helping'.

However, as previous posters have alluded to, if he was neglected as a child he may not understand what healthy, involved parenting looks like. They may need some professional couple counselling to figure this out. I don't get the sense that the OP is complaining about being hard done to, more that she's hurt by her husband's total lack of involvement or interaction with his own family.

Isn’t this how men behaved in the 1950s? Why does he think that this is okay now? You need to be able to tell him that you do not feel like a priority in his life, even if he thinks earning and providing means that you are.
Talk to him.

I don't like referring to looking after your own children as a 'job'. It's a luxury. Yes, sometimes it can be draining. But it is very, very different to most jobs. They pay for a reason!

@Careerhelpppp

Of course he’s the favourite parent - he’s the fun one who swoops in & gives them whatever they want - he’s not the one making them clean their teeth or eat their broccoli! You need to have a cards on the table conversation about him stepping up to parent a bit more & actually get to know his kids. However, it doesn’t sound as though he can be described as lazy - to be fair, he works very long hours to allow you to stay home & does his equal share of housework. 🤷🏼‍♀️

The free time your DH bothers me. While he indulges himself after a bust week, you need leisure time to do what you want to do. If he spent his free time taking care of the kids and taking over while you do a hobby or activity or just chill that would be more fair.

It does concern me that you don't have your own income and you're solely reliant on your DH financially. Can you get a part time job, something to get some income of your own? Even if you don't need to work as your DH earns good money, dome financial independence is really important to give you choices.

Yabvu.
If you don't like it though get a divorce.
Trust me life will be much harder for you than your current relatively cushy life is.

You have absolutely no idea how privileged your life is. None.

I would seriously think about what life would actually look like as a single working mum or one on benefits.
Even if he is generous with child support you won't be any better off, will you?

A bit less laundry to do perhaps.

I don't get some of the responses here.
Would you prefer it if the dh quit his job and they all relied on benefits?
He'd have all the time in the world with the kids then, wouldn't he?

He works normal hours, socialises 3 weekday evenings a week and books social things over much of the weekend, why would he need to quit his job in order to spend time with his family?

If this man woke up and left the home at a normal time he could be home at 5:30 every night to eat dinner with his family and read to his children with OP.

His job has nothing to do with OP’s issue.

If he's in a high flying job, he will be expected to involve himself in out-of-hours activities.
Networking in other words.

She is being compensated well for this financially.

If the OP doesn't like it, she can divorce.
She needs to seriously consider all the points I outlined above though.
She has clearly lost (or never had) sight of how privileged her life is that's for sure.

When she's juggling a job as a single mother or relying on benefits (not sure if she'll be allowed to not just work anyway, pretty sure she wouldn't actually) even if he is generous with child support her circumstances will be much reduced- I suspect she'll look back wistfully on how lucky she was.

My advice to her would be to quit complaining and get on with it.
The children will be at school soon anyway.

Thank you. Yes, I don’t feel hard done by. I feel that it’s sad that his children aren’t of more importance to him. He would argue that him working hard is what proves that they are important to him (so that he can provide them with everything), but I think it’s sad that he doesn’t rush home to see them, or gets grumpy at them for interrupting work calls at the weekend and seems to prefer going to the gym at the weekend over playing with them.

exactly this.

Are you my DH?

I agree she needs to weigh up how many years of full time childcare is needed before going into LTB territory.
No ages have been mentioned but from the information it sounds like one child is already at school. If the other child can go to nursery when they are three that will give OP a lot more time to herself and perhaps more time to reflect on whether going back to work and therefore sharing childcare will be better for her, or if actually she will have the better deal in the end. Short term pain of hard work now, for long term gain of child free days when both are in school/nursery.

Thanks all. Those that didn’t immediately jump to “you don’t know how lucky you are” purely because we don’t struggle for money offered some really good points to consider. I completely agree that DH isn’t lazy at all. He just seems to avoid the family dynamic for some reason.

Your poor children 😭 I'm sorry, do you think he'll ever change? Have you told him he can't throw money at his children in lieu of a loving relationship, and they're likely to end up fucked up like him (although not as much, because at least they have one loving, involved parent)?

I've said what I think: divorce him or put up with it.

He's not lazy at all and yabvvvu.

I think the reason is because of his own childhood. If he didn't have a great experience himself he has not had it modelled to him how to behave around them. The only option he may see viable is to play the role of breadwinner while wifey stays home to raise the kids. You say he attends plays so he isn't completely cut off, but I think some men don't know what to do with children, especially when they are really little and he needs to be shown how to do this (however if he is successful in other areas then this is also going to be hard for him to accept which is why he might make himself unavailable).

Very weird thread title. Is it one of them AI generated ones? Or just purely click bait.

What sort of big man job is so important but you also don’t leave the house until 9am??

Your post actually just comes across as nasty and bitter rather than any advice.