AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

The question still remains over whether he wanted children or whether it was agreed that OP would be responsible for them.
I think a lot of men are 'encouraged' by their partners into having children and then seem disappointed that they aren't that interested.

The more I read the OP's replies the more I think the issue is that DH chooses to spend his free time by himself when she thinks he should spend it with the family, like she chooses to.

You say he takes time off for things when needed and he pulls his weight around the house, so it's not like he's never at home and present. You say you have to plan the family days but you don't say he's not willing to do them.

Yeah, maybe he could show a bit more willing and that he wants to spend quality time with his family, but I wouldn't exactly say he's a lazy shit who contributes nothing but money.

Why did you choose to have a second child?

There just seems to be a sizeable chunk of men who want their only contribution to relationships / family life to be their wallet.

I guess at least OP does not have to do paid work too but I would be disturbed to think if something happened to me my partner would be completely unable to do anything with the children.

This makes me really sad as this is how I see his relationship with our DC going. If he does ever have them whilst I go out, he takes them for food/treats and to the toy shop too. I often think it’s like he’s a single dad having his kids for a few hours before returning them to their mum.

What would your dad’s thoughts be on how he was, if you don’t mind me asking?

My DC definitely seem to prefer Daddy. But I feel that this massive show of how much they love Daddy is some kind of attempt to gain attention from him.

No. If anything, it was the other way round.

Sorry, I do know he isn’t lazy. I’m not sure why I put that in the title.

Have you tried to speak to him though, OP?

If you said you're worried about his relationship with his children, that he doesn't ever prioritise being with them, for him and for them, what does he say?

I asked before - how is he with them when you go on holiday? Why hadn't he taken any time off over the summer?

Of course he's lazy. He's a lazy parent. And lazy-parents his dc when he has them by himself. ie, instead of playing with them building a connection, he takes them out for food and toys. He doesn't really parent does.

I've been where you are. It's heartbreaking for the dc to always wonder why their father is never there or does much with them. I fully get the sadness you feel.

It sounds like he sees a family as a status symbol.

I know several stay at home mums with high earning partners and every single dad steps up when he's home. They have time carved out to relax because it is necessary but so do the mums, and they carve out quality time with the kids too.

He is definitely not lazy. If you were unhappy with his lack of parenting, why did you have another child!

I think you may have to help him find ways to insert himself into their routine.
Tell him he needs to be home by 6:30pm on 2 weekdays and on the weekend so he can do the 5 year old’s bedtime with you and he will be reading the story.

Set up Daddy does breakfast routine with him on Sunday mornings. He can make toast for the children and pour them some milk and play with them whilst you have a quiet 5 mins with a hot drink that you get to drink before it goes cold.

He may not have the experience to draw on so he doesn’t know how to fit in with family life if his parents were poor role models.

Does he not even do a bedtime story on the nights he is home on time?

Your baby is 5 months? How much paternity did he take and what did he do with that time?

He doesn’t sound lazy or selfish at
all. He’s working his arse off to support you and his family. Could he be more engaged, sure. And that’s something you raise like a mature adult and discuss with him.
I’m more concerned about you and your disgusting description and complete lack of appreciation for all he does. You sound immature and easily led by the opinions of others.

This isn't the kind of father I would want for my children. He doesn't sound like he has much interest in them, at least he isn't showing any. Children deserve to be loved and should feel valued by their parents.

I grew up in this environment. Mum was a single parent with money Monday to Friday, and she was the primary carer for us on weekends.

My dad never took days off for school events. He'd usually try and leave work early for school concerts that my sister and I were in, but sometimes he'd be late. I could never rely on him to be there.

I remember my mum asking him to facilitate things so that she could go to the WI meeting in our village once a month with her friend. This meant he'd have to leave work early or on time. I remember her waiting with her friend for him to turn up. He was late. She never bothered to ask again.

TBF, he did do things in the house on weekends - he'd cook a Sunday roast. He'd wash up - in the days we didn't have a dishwasher. He did most of the gardening and DIY (as he loves doing these things), he'd walk the dog on the weekend etc. The thing he didn't do was reliably engage with me and my sister in a way that made us feel he was a reliable caregiver/parent. It was always mum. Mum bore the mental load. Dad never thought about who was going to look after us if he made plans or was going to do something and not take us along. He just didn't think about it - he assumed mum would be looking after us.

Ultimately, mum ran the house, mum made sure things happened, mum organised everything....

I ended up with a close relationship with my mum and barely any relationship with my dad until I was in my mid-30s. (They are still married and in their 80s now.)

I developed a relationship with my dad once I had my own child. We have both made the effort to develop some kind of relationship, which is nice. He gets on well with his only grandchild, my daughter. He has the time and money to do what he wants now and so he can be both physically and mentally present.

Thanks for sharing. This is how I feel. Anytime I ask for help time wise he does… but it’s usually met with comments about having to catch up with work, or he’s late etc.

Do you remember feeling fond of him as a child? I would say he is my DC’s favourite parent at the moment…

He has expressed regret now at the choices he made. He is not exactly a very expressive man so he wouldn't speak much about any reflections he has had. As an adult myself, I can also provide context that his choices were probably a reflection of his own childhood.

But it is something that really did upset me as a child and the lack of an involved father is something I still feel sad over.

I think if you’re a SAHM and your DH has to work long hours to have the great salary then you have to make the situation work while he’s out earning that salary. Once he’s home, everything should be split equally really. When I was a SAHM, I did try to get as much as I could done during the day, so both DH and I could relax in the evening/weekends. We never had a situation when he was at home that I’d be running around sorting our children and the house and he’d be sitting on the sofa watching television. He wouldn’t go to the gym until we had the children in bed and asleep and if I had planned to be out in the evening and he wasn’t working away, then there would be obviously no issue with that.

Could you chat with your DH and maybe he could be home one or two evenings during the week for bed-time and would do bath time and also one weekend night. I mostly cooked during weekdays but if the day wasn’t going well, DH never expected dinner to be made for him and he’d sort dinner, even if it was a takeaway. Weekends we worked as a team.

Would or be possible for you to budget for a cleaner once or twice a week, especially while you have a young baby, and maybe also a babysitter once a week to give you some time during the day for yourself or even to just be in the house as an extra pair of hands.

If you’re not happy with being a SAHM, maybe when your baby is a little older, you could consider returning to work, even part-time.

It sounds like he sees a family as a status symbol.

THIS! He wants the status of being a married family man but not to engage with them much.

@Careerhelpppp So do it. Tell him you are returning to work as being a SAHM isn't working for you. Don't allow him to put 100% of the parenting on you.

And someone paying your bills. A single parent doesn't have that, it's a ridiculous thing to say

Im starting to think the DH would be better off without the OP.

Not acceptable at all. I wouldn't be married to a man like that and wouldn't have had a 2nd when I found out that he doesn't even change nappies or do baths.

He sounds like a very poor father.

He's bought your services and his own freedom from domestic responsibility, basically. I know a few wankers men who think exactly along those lines.