AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

He doesn’t parent. Taking time off for school plays is not the same as spending time bonding with and looking after your children.

I suspect what we are hearing is that the OP never gets to switch off because she is always on parenting duty. Both of them watching TV at 10pm and a child cries - OP goes. Child wakes up at 5am on a Saturday morning -OP goes. OP tells him she is getting her hair cut on Saturday morning and he still goes up the gym so she has to take the children?

To answer your question OP I don’t think your DH is lazy. He is working full time and providing financially for you and the children. He is though being selfish and seems to be living the life of a single man. It is quite a common occurrence. I have said this before on MN many men just do not want children. They may pretend they do but are just going along with what women want and society expects. I am sorry this has happened to you @Careerhelpppp Hopefully when the children start school things will get a bit easier for you.

Have you asked him straight out about spending time with the children for the sake of his relationship with them? I suspect his own childhood experiences are at play here - and he feels as he provides financially, goes to parents evenings etc that proves his commitment.

Not sure how you get through to him about the quality time. How much leave has he taken this summer? How is he with the DC when you're away on holiday? Do you still do all bath and bed times on holiday, on Sunday nights?

If you were ill, would he take time off to look after them?

If you had to go away overnight, would he know their routine?

I don’t think he works particularly long hours? Personally I would never want to bring children up like this. It doesn’t sound the sort of equal partnership, loving household I would want to raise children in. Did he actually want children? Why would he want to emulate the neglectful childhood he had?

From his point of view, it could be said that you're lazy because you don't go to work and you need to pull your weight a bit more financially.

This isn't my opinion, just to be clear. You're both contributing importantly to the family and I don't think either of you sound lazy. He provides money for everyone including you, you provide care for everyone including him.

I think before you talk to him you have to have a reasonable idea of what it is you want. If he works less hours for instance then there'll be a drop in income.

I wouldn't approach this as an adversarial "you don't understand how hard it is" because he'll just come straight back with the same. Instead I'd use the opportunity to talk about how things could be more balanced.

It is precisely the situation that OP is in now that is why it is so important that women have the option to work. No disrespect to SAHM, it's wonderful if everyone is happy with the decision and both parents get equal time off and prioritise family time. I work in a busy job (primary school teacher) but myself and my husband who also works are still present for our children and spend lots of time together as a family when we can. The husband shouldn't be off doing hobbies at the wknd and socialising most evenings. He is lazy and selfish when it comes to parenting.

If OP went out to work ft too then DH couldn't expect any of this from her.

@Careerhelpppp I don't get the issue. If he is back 7pm then you can have free time after that.

You need to have this conversation with him and not on a forum.

Tell him what you want from him. Suggest some weekend family activities.

Sounds like you are very bitter but not actually communicating what you want or need.

For a little perspective @Careerhelpppp, I married a workaholic 35 years ago. Put of the house before 7am and back at 9pm or later (working NOT socialising, unless it was formal socialising - dinner/speeches type of thing. If he had a big case he'd book into an hotel Sun to Thurs when the DC were tinies and unbroken nights not guaranteed.

I did everything: appointments, managed the house, school, including parents' evenings. There were plenty of snarky little playground comments about how people wouldn't put up with it, etc. They stopped when we switched to independent schools. There will always be snarky comments when you do something that isn't with the herd.

I still had more free time than him. However, Saturday morning was my morning off: his was Sunday, when he didn't work and had a lie in.

Fortunately we have the same approach to spending. We have never had a joint bank account and when I gave up work, I laid put for everything we needed: food, playgroup, haircuts, children's clothes, bits for the house, window cleaner, cleaner, odd lunch, etc. I gave him a bill at the end of the month, with the receipts and he gave me a cheque. He never questioned a penny.

As the DC got bigger, he got a bit more invested and he took DS to football every Saturday afternoon - season tickets, from the age of about 3 and a half, went to his school matches where he could and to dd's performances.

I never for a minute doubted his loyalty or love for us but I was crystal clear from the very beginning that I was getting a workaholic.

I went back to work when dd was settled in reception, locally and he was supportive and even when I worked from 9.15 to 5.45 I still had more time than him. We had an au-pair. Going back to work kept me grounded and rounded and was a bonus for our marriage and the children's development and work ethic. Work sponsored prof quals and DH paid for my Masters for my 50th. He might have got bored had I morphed into a tennis clubbing, interior design, holiday oriented, child obsessed wife. He always needed more than that but I wouldn't have tolerated a selfish arse. Believe me as we got richer there were plenty who wanted to persuad me he was a selfish arse.

We are heading into retirement now, in our mid 60s and life has been good and all marriages require compromise. I guess it's a risk analysis and compromise is easier when you when you love each other.

There have been pluses:
Beautiful homes in the UK and France
The best schools for the children
Membership of things like the RoH
Pretty much anything we want but we don't have champagne tastes.
Holidays ahead

Since when is 9am-7pm, including commuting, classed as “very long hours”??!

Most will say SAHM should do it all. But I cannot fathom why being the sole paid earner means never having to do a thing around the home or with the children. It’s baffling to me. You should both have equal leisure time and if you don’t then the balance is not equitable. (Doesn’t matter if you want to use your leisure time, if you have far less than him the balance is not equitable.

We don’t know how long the commute is?

I’m not sure what point you are making, he’s out of the house from not those hours. If he has a long commute he’s working even less. If he’s walking next door it’s still not “very long hours” to be doing less than a 10 hour day.

Thing is 'providing' doesn't just mean money. If he's hardly there you're not really a family are you?

I personally think when someone chooses to be a SAHM they do so in full awareness that it's not a 9-5 job, however I agree with PP that you should both have equal access to the family money and to free time to yourself. It's up to you how you spend that free time though; just because you're happy to spend it with the children doesn't mean he should be expected to.

That said, free time shouldn't come at the expense of family time. There needs to be a balance where everyone's needs are met.

He doesn’t have much time to “parent” but his actions (working and supporting the family financially, going to their sports days and school plays, doing housework) shows he cares. The OP said he works away from home fairly often.

Your DH actually sounds like my dad when we were growing up. Work all day, drinks with friends after, golfing on weekends, when he did spend time with us he took us out for food or to a toy shop.

I spent my whole childhood wondering why I wasn't good enough for my dad to spend time with me. He was never cruel or unkind but it was clear we were not his priority. I remember seeing other dads being so present and wondering why they loved their kids but my dad didn't.

I actually went to therapy in my 20s and a large part of it was focused on my relationship with my dad. I never felt particularly connected to him because he didn't do enough to build it.

He owes his children more. Doesn't matter if you are a stat at home mum they have a father too and they deserve his attention and to feel like a priority in his life.

Sometimes you have to spell it out clearly that you need some free time. Dads can just assume you'll always be there. Diarise it; "I am going out from 9am - 12pm Sunday morning, you're on breakfast and lunch duty". Then go out and stay out. You have to take these breaks no questions asked, because otherwise the man's free time just tends to swell and fill up any and all available space in the diary.

I know you love spending time with your kids and its not necessarily free time that you want, but once you have that break you may begin to feel much less resentment.

It half sounds reasonable. I suppose the bit that doesn’t is the socialising after work and the gym visits.

of course it’s not that it’s terrible, more that it’s family time that he’s choosing to do something else (even if the kids are in bed , he could do the washing up 🤣)

I too have a dh who works and always has worked long hours, and it can cause resentment (especially when I worked p/t as well) so I understand it.

I do think it’s tricky when the kids are little, and that hands on time does pass eventually.

could you suggest a weeks holiday for a family time ? Not necessarily going away but time together?

do make sure you are looking after yourself financially though!

How old are the kids OP? I only ask as you mentioned school sports days etc. If they are in school I think he could argue you get a lot more downtime. I personally wouldn’t dismiss his idea of dropping a day. You might both get more quality time with the kids then.

DS worked very long hours when the children were small, I worked PT but it was close to 30 hours so not that PT. He also worked overseas quite a lot for many years, responsible for a few countries in Asia so was a distance away.

He always earned far more than me but he did indeed pull his weight when he was around. Always did bedtime with them for instance, I cooked he washed up. He gave up his beloved cricket team when he became a Father without me asking or expecting him to.

Yes to every single one of these things😂!

He’s not taken any leave this summer.

He would take time off to look after them if I was poorly, but he would huff and puff about it and make me feel guilty.

He wouldn’t have a clue about their routine. I suspect they would both still be awake come 9pm as he wouldn’t have a clue.

She didn't sign up to have children with someone who doesn't appear to like children very much, I imagine.

Exactly. I am 99% certain that if I returned to work, DH wouldn’t step up at all in terms of the children.

5 and 7 months.