AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

Some men aren’t family-orientated. OP’s DH is one. That’s not me pulling the chap apart. It’s just that some dads are more hands on than others.

He’s a man with a job. Nothing exceptional. Plenty of lazy people have jobs.
Plenty of women in the past were miserable trapped in domestic drudgery with no lives of their own, hence feminism became a thing.

And how’s that going?

He wouldn’t agree with me. I’ve half raised it in the past and he says he wishes he could do more but he has to work long hours to provide as the responsibility is solely on him. And then he suggests he goes part time so that I can work and then he’ll do more childcare (which he knows is not a viable suggestion due to the staggering difference in our earning potential and outgoings). He would never actually want this, but would use it in a way to ‘shut me up’.

The unequal amount of free time isn’t really the issue. I don’t feel like I need lots of free time, I genuinely love spending my time with the children.

He clearly does not feel the same and lives his life as a single man.

If you want to go back to work, have you looked into it? Why wouldn’t it be viable? It doesn’t matter if he vastly out-earns you. It sounds to me that you’d like to separate, so perhaps it’d be best if you get employed sooner rather than later.

It's a brutal reality you're having to face here OP.

I babysit occasionally for a family who are extremely wealthy, the dh could retire now and their dc would never have to work. He works away Monday to Friday every week, I'm certain it's to avoid the dc who are autistic and challenging. I feel so sorry for the mum.

My DH doesn’t earn that much!

How sad for the DC too!

I'd be really happy not to have to work and get to spend all my time with the kids. I'm luckier than some, as there are people who work FT and their partner does nothing/works away and is seldom able to be in the home.
What matters is how you feel, go back to work and let him take an easier job and do more if that's what you want. There is no right or wrong, if the parents can provide enough for their kids and the kids are looked after properly, there isn't one right or wrong way to organise paid versus home work.

Seems sad, my dad was away a lot in terms of meetings and stuff, at home parent tho, I actually asked him the day I got married not to go out.
At 25, and got married at 12, he did, I then married someone with Asperger’s hoping for more attention, he couldn’t.
i’m 64 now with Parkinson’s, my big regret is never had a man who put me first, kid not me, seems wrong if children from that person

Well then he's a man behaving he is single because he doesn't want to be around family life.
Only a matter of time before he cheats.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

But I think it is only amount of time before you are blindsided by this.

Get your ducks in a row.
You deserve so much better than being caught out.
Im so sorry.

Thank you. Deep down I don’t think he’d cheat. I know you can never be certain but I don’t think he would.

How would he react if you saod you were doing a class/course two evenings a week amd Saturday morning?

Would he support you or shut it down?

When you you get hair/hobbies/meet friends time?

What does his salary allow you?
Can you outsource some things like s day's childcare etc?

It is a massive salary that really takes up a lot of time & headspace and needs those extra evenings and he is actually drained after it all or is it just an excuse?

There are certain roles & salaries where it might be understandable but not many!

Have you actually both had a conversation on what a happy family life looks like to you both?

It sounds like he just doesn’t engage with your or his family at all. Out socialising 3 week nights and basically leaving you to it all weekend?

For perspective I’m a SAHM and my DH wakes with the kids slightly more than half the time, makes me a morning coffee, comes home on time basically every night, does bath time, gets the children sorted for bed, does the dishwasher and a tidy of the kitchen and a quick once over of downstairs.

It’s interesting you only “sort of” have equal access to money.

I am surprised at some of these responses. Yes I'd expect a sahp to do the majority of parenting in the week, sll the mental load etc. Yes the OP benefits from her husbands high salary. Yes he works long hours and likely is stressed and needs some down time. But in my opinion, none of that negates or excuses -

• not being interested in spending any quality time with his own kids
• expecting the OP to work 24/7/365 while he has (some late) evenings, weekends and annual leave completely off to himself

DH does do his share of household tasks, I’ll give him that.

It just doesn't sound like a partnership of equals OP.
The picture you paint is that you are the housekeeper and nanny.
Why on earth do you not want time for yourself- to pursue a hobby, socialise or whatever? It sounds like a very narrow life you are living . Whilst he is working and socialising with so many other people. You must live in totally seperate worlds.
Yes he doesn't seem interested in spending time with you and his children. But it's the diminishing of you as a person in this set up that I find most concerning. When do you get to be you and not just a mother and housekeeper?

Random thought OP, and I might be way of the mark. He works hard at work (presumably) and does his share around the house... so he's not lazy, but avoids the emotional work of parenting.

Did he have a difficult relationship with one or both of his parents? Go through something traumatic? Seems a bit emotionally avoidant. Might he talk about it with you, or a therapist?

This isn't to negate your sadness about his behaviour of course.

His parents were very neglectful. We actually have nothing to do with them.

That was what you signed up for. Get a cleaner and help with childcare if you feel household chores are too much. I don't like housework or spending all my time looking after children so that life wouldn't be for me.

I don't want to say "bingo" as that's very crass. I think he may be scared of emotional closeness. Do you know much about avoidant attachment? That could be an avenue worth pursuing.

Even if he won't talk about it, this could help you make sense of things.

Well, why don't you do this?

Downsize, live a less expensive life and share family responsibilities.

You might be surprised-he could be telling the truth and if he backs off from it when you have plans in place, well he will never be able to say it again

Op there’s a lot wrong here but there’s a lot right

I think for now you have got no option but to accept the situation

Of course you are right to be upset - regardless of his job - outwith that he is mostly pleasing himself

If he’s anything like my husband you might find he’ll show more of an interest when the kids are older

Plus his own parents were bad and considering that he hasn’t done too badly

How old are your kids? You mention school?

If he's doing his share of household tasks while working full time then I wouldn't necessarily say he is lazy. The problem seems to be more about engagement with the family. Just spending time together. Have you talked to him about that? And do you spend time as a couple? That is important too.

In fact, is it more important to you that he spends time with the family, or that you get some time to yourself? Or are both important? They are quite different things that would be addresssed in different ways.

And don't let him make you think he is working long hours, he really isn't. I'd say 10 hours out of the house is on the short side for a senior job. 9am is an incredibly late time to leave the house. What does he do before 9am? Is there an option start earlier and be home earlier if that works better for you?

So having read a bit more it seems that actually you are not that bothered about having time off to yourself. It's more about him spending more time with the kids, including when you are there. Would it at least be an improvement if you did bathtime together some nights? Went out together with the kids at the weekend? Played together with the kids? If he's not even willing to do that when you ask him then I think you have a problem.