To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

Are the other children your children or your shared children?
He sounds like a totally uninvolved father making almost no effort to raise his child. I’m sure this isn’t the only area you see this?

Go vegetarian (I’m not one) but put everyone on a diet of pasta and ratatouille or pasta sauce with peas and sweetcorn, chickpea curry, lentil chilli, beans and jacket potato, Quorn burgers with fries - whatever. One meal, no worries over meat or fish, and if anyone comments they can make dinner themselves. Make him sit with you and agree a meal plan and an away of sharing the cooking/cleaning.

I actually don't think I'd be willing to do this. 7yo doesn't actually follow any religion does she, she's 7, you're catering to her mum's dietary restrictions.

I think I'd just feed her, it's not an allergy it's a choice her mum is making for her, I don't think her dad (or you by extension) is required to follow it.

And if he does insist it needs following them he needs to be in charge of it.

His kid his responsibility otherwise she eats what you all eat. Tough shit.

If he feels strongly about it then he needs to sort it out. If he expects you to carry the parenting load, you do what is practical for you.

It's a religion you are born into, so technically she does follow it. This is what I'm told when I challenge this anyway. She's also old enough that she would tell her mum if we fed her things she isn't allowed at home.

DS and DDs won't eat most veggie food. I have tried! DDs in particular are really fussy. DS will accept things like macaroni cheese and pizza without meat, but not much else.

YABU for being a doormat.

Tell him he gets far more involved in the cooking and planning, or she'll get served what his other children eat.

Then tell his ex wife why.

Yes, he should be organising everything for his child. I cannot imagine my child living in another country and only visiting me for the summer and not being around. I’d be spending every day with her and cooking every meal.

That said, if it’s something like she’s kosher (I’m Jewish but don’t keep kosher). It’s really no big deal. Just cook dairy meals only or meat meals only. You don’t have to keep anything separate. Presumably she isn’t strict orthodox or she probably wouldn’t be allowed to visit you anyway if you don’t keep shabbat, for example. It’s not hard to do a day of dairy free meals or a day of vegetarian meals. If you’re own kids are fussy, well, now is great time for them to get un-fussy. You can’t tell me the only meat free food they eat is mac and cheese and pizza. 😂

I would revert to ready meals then, sorry 😬

Does the child want to follow the diet in your home? That would be my guide. It is a preference, not a requirement. If the child wants to use the visits to vary the diet, I would not enforce it.

If the child wants to maintain the diet, I would do my best, but expect my partner to take over most cooking.

I think you should let him sort it, because by resorting to ready meals when she's already overweight, he's being a shit dad, and i think you need to see and know that rather than that fact be tidied away by you. What he's expecting of you isnt on!

this is ableist nonsense.

Some children have ARFID or other medical issues. You are laughing about trying to get calories and nutrition into growing children.

Have you asked him to take care of more meal times?

Stop being a doormat. Leave it to DH to organise.

Why are you accepting his treatment of you? Tell him to organise food for his child.

I’m guessing it’s keeping kosher and not being able to eat dairy and meat together as an extra complication.

have you put all the kids’ requirements/preferences and got AI to suggest some options? That could help. Your husband needs to step up. It’s his and his DD’s religion and he needs to be more involved.

It’s clear that the religion is Judaism so the simplest thing to do is feed her vegetarian food. If her mother doesn’t like that she can look after her child herself.

I also wouldn’t be separating utensils or making other adjustments to my kitchen to cater to this. It’s not the child’s fault, but it’s also your husband/his ex-wife’s responsibility.

Ffs. ANOTHER man leaving parenting to the woman. Not even your child.
I would go as far as to say if he does doesn’t sort her food out she can’t come and explain it to her mother.

Seriously? This would be a dealbreaker.
We have husband’s grandchild sometimes who is gluten free, he buys and cooks all she needs, although I would happily do it because it’s not being expected or forced on me.

1. yes , your husband is horrifically lazy at parenting
2. pasta with things to add: a tomato sauce, some tinned tuna, cooked chicken, or cooked minced beef, peas, tinned or cob sweetcorn, cheese.
3. picnic style meals with flatbreads, hummus, salad items
4. build your own wrap meals, Mexican style, make a simple vegan bean chilli and have meat, cheese, guacamole on the side for people to add.
5. make your own pizzas

you see where I’d go with this food issue. But fundamentally your husband is massively taking the piss.

What meals are you cooking for your own children? Perhaps we could help come up with ways to adapt?

Presume Judaism.

go veggie.

breakfast is presumably not a problem (milk and cereal or fruit etc)

lunch in the summer can be bread plus vegetables and fruit and either cheese or meat

so dinner is the only cooked meal.

jacket potato with beans,
pasta with sauce with meat or cheese
omelette with vegetables and chips or salad
make own pizza (veggie)
stir fry with vegetables and noodles and stir fry sauce
egg fried rice with vegetables

etc etc.

honestly in this weather there’s a lot of light meals that are fast to cook that can work for everyone.

don’t put a lot of effort into two separate meals

I spent a long time trying, in misery, to come up with meals that fitted my requirements (low fat, hate fish), DC1 (pescatarian) and DC2 (hates quorn).

I have come to conclusion that it is far easier to cook three separate meals than suit a variety of fussy people. It was honestly a weight off. And it's much easier for you - get your DH to prep DSCs food for the week on a Sunday and just reheat.

Go veggie

This doesnt handle the fact that OP was complaining that the mental load is all on her to feed her partners child. You're telling her to make her whole family go veggie, and come up with all meals to do so. That wasnt the question.

In reality her husband is a deadbeat dad pushing the mental load of feeding his child onto the new partner and its out of order...

Not orthodox no (thankfully). We have in the past been asked to try to keep shabbat for her when she's with us but it was a nightmare around our other kids. DP will take her to synagogue on certain days by ex's request but not every week.

DS and DDs will eat things like carbonara, lasagne, pasta with cheese sauce and a meat but will complain if given without meat. Chicken Kyivs, chicken/steak pie, sausage pasta. DS generally will kick up a fuss if there's no meat, DDs are more likely to eat creamy pasta sauces. They are really fussy about curries, rice etc.

DSD has to wait 6 hours after eating meat to then eat dairy, so it's not just the actual main meals. You also have to plan that if she's had sandwich meat for lunch she then can't have a veggie meal if it's got dairy in it. Unless we go full vegan, but then realistically it's tomato pasta with cheese for everyone else, and she's upset she can't have the cheese.

Full vegan definitely too much of an ask.

obviously your partner should be handling this but as he isn’t

rather than replace the meat would it be easier to replace the dairy?
use vegan butter, almond milk etc?

meat and two veg type meals can very easily be made dairy free.

sorry you are handling this, it’s not easy.