To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

Being Jewish is not a religious fad either

Typo * in really sorry.

Also it should of course by DH doing that. It just adds to your mental load

Are the other children his or just yours?
It sounds like the issue is at least as much the other children being fussy! It might be good for them to be pushed to try different meals.

Can you not just have dairy at lunch time and meat in the evenings? (I don't think the 6-hour wait applies in both directions?). So have cheese sandwiches or cheesy/tomato pasta for lunch, then whatever meat/bread/veg/potato combo your kids will eat for dinner? Get ChatGPT to plan you a menu if you can't think of one yourself

Agree with this.
I have a fussy kid too. It would be easier to serve up at table e.g they add a spoon of bacon bits to carbonara and she doesn't. They add cheese to pasta and she doesnt.

Give her mild cheddar/edam/mozzarella slices or cream cheese sandwiches for lunch with salad. Or she could have tuna. No wait time applicable then (only for cheeses aged over 6 months).

The diet isn't a big deal. It's exactly the same as if she were vegetarian, which presumably you would cater to. Just go veggie for the summer.

The major issue is that her dad is a bit crap. I think that if he can't adjust his work around her, he shouldn't be offering to have her for such long periods.

The six hour period doesn’t apply if you have milk first and then meat. Just have to wash mouth out. So can they all have e.g. sandwiches for lunch (meat for the other kids and not for her) then they can all have meat for dinner?

admittedly haven’t read every single post…

Jewish? Sounds like it.

Work out 5 easy dishes for breakfast, dinner and lunch.Serve them. Unhappy? - dad can take over.

One of my good friends is Jewish, and we’ve been away together on self catering trips many times.

We just have veggie food and it’s sorted. If we do have meat, it’ll be kosher and we just make sure there’s no dairy with it.

It really isn’t that hard.

Though I say that as a Muslim who is used to having dietary requirements so don’t find it hassle to cater to others so appreciate it’s difficult for those that aren’t used to thinking in that way.

Oh I couldn’t be arsed with that. Not your religion or your child, so not your problem. Either feed her what you’re having or give her a ready meal, or he can sort it.

Why would she be approaching anyone?! The child’s father can do it, instead of opting out most of the time

Where or not your husband does his fair share of the family cooking is a separate issue.

Presuming you usually do all the cooking for a family, is it really a problem for you to avoid pork / pork products for a month and to not mix milk/meat so that you SD isn’t made to feel uncomfortable in her father’s home? There are dozens of perfectly simple kid friendly things you could cook without having to go out of your way to make something separate.

Pizza, pasta etc. with cheese and tomato sauce, fish fingers, chicken nuggets, bolognaise, jacket potatoes, stir fries, chili con carne, meatballs, roast chicken/lamb/beef, salmon, fish cakes etc. all with chips, potatoes, rice and veg, sandwiches, burgers, beef sausages.

Bet you wouldn’t serve pork if your DC had Muslim friends round for tea?

I’d just feed her what I was cooking for everyone else and if she can’t or won’t eat it then the husband can make her something else. Or she can have toast.
if she goes home crying to mummy that she was given things that she shouldn’t eat I’d just tell her oh well we aren’t Jewish here so we don’t follow that diet.
Honestly I wouldn’t even be doing childcare for her. If your husband wants his child to stay for a full month he takes the time off work and sorts her meals out. It’s not your responsibility

I'm Jewish (but not Orthodox) and when with more observant friends we just serve blanket vegetarian. End of discussion, covers all bases. No need for separate kitchens etc.

However I strongly agree that this is mostly up to your DH to navigate and sort out, not yours, particularly if you have been doing all the heavy lifting before.

I don't feel sorry for you because you're actively choosing to be the house slave that takes order from a man you're not even married to, and to pander to a child that's HIS, not yours. Then, after doing all of the slave work voluntarily, you decide to be a poor martyr about it. No.

Either happily be the slave, or stop pandering to this man. It's his child, it's his responsibility to look after her. Especially since he hasn't even thought you're worth marrying after everything you do. Not that I think marrying this useless idiot is a good idea...

Why should the step daughter "just have toast", and not the kids who make a fuss if they don't get meat in every meal?!
I'm saddened by the lack of tolerance for religious beliefs in this thread, although not particularly surprised.

I’d get meats from the kosher section of the supermarket, for the whole family, and serve that and any veggie stuff your DC will eat.

Ready meals aren’t all high calorie / salt and DC can be served different ones.

& as others say, sandwiches, raw veg, things on toast.

Would serve your DC their normal cheeses and DSD knows what her Mum’s religious food rules are and can decide whether to have it.

Would have zero regard for your H’s food preferences given his behaviour! If serving meals he dislikes or ready meals to the DC he can sort out his own food.

Shit parenting & sexist partnering by him.

The OP is cooking for at least 4 children for lunch and dinner for over a month. The OP is looking out for her very overweight DSD by not just taking the easy option the girl's father would and giving her a ready-meal. It's fair enough that the OP wants her children to eat things they are happy to eat over such a long period of time. The OP is also conscious that her DSD gets upset if she can't have cheese with her dinner when others are.
OP - your DP needs to follow the same diet as DSD while she is staying. He must follow all the rules she does. So he needs to take a more active role in this for sure. He also needs to not have the cheese on the bolognese etc. He needs to have the vegan sausages with the mashed potatoes made with veg oil not butter and so on.

I’d serve the same meal for all DC, so if DSD has beans on toast or fish fingers they all do.

DP works long hours and says he doesn't have the time and energy to think about it

How much time is spending with DSD when she's with you? How would he manage his contact time if you weren't there to facilitate it?

He's being lazy defaulting to you but you do need to find a way for your own DCs diet and DSDs diet to align a little.

Could she have a non meat sandwich for lunch then meat for dinner?

What are her favourite/usual breakfast/lunch/dinner options? Can you give us some ideas so we can help?

I would ask her to respect her own choice and religion if she is upset by the cheese.

It won't be the last time she will miss out on something if she is 100% kosher.

That's massively restrictive and really not your job.

She isn't Jewish. Her mum has chosen for her to be Jewish. It doesn't matter if it "passes down" it's a choice the parent makes for the child. Until she decides it for herself when she is able to make those decisions, it is simply that her mother wants her to be Jewish.

If her dad wants to follow her mothers religion that's fine. But that's his responsibility.

Yours and your children's diet should not be dictated by your husband's ex wife.so no, everyone shouldn't be vegetarian or vegan. You tell him from now on you are just cooking for everyone. If she wants something different or he wants her to have something different then that's his responsibility to sort out.

You didn't get a choice in her diet, so you are not responsible for maintaining it.

Surely if you choose to be with a partner who is Jewish and has a Jewish child you should be willing to accommodate the dietary requirements?

Some of the comments here are awful, like its pandering to a fad, and suggesting 7 year old should be made to feel like an outcast at mealtimes