To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

I think it’s absolutely terrible that your DP takes no responsibility for sorting out his own
child’s food requirements.

So you have another month to go. Right your DO sits down with you this evening and makes a 2 week meal plan that you then repeat. Lunch and dinner.

I do think buying vegan fake cheese is fine to have as a way of making things easier.

it’s ok to have some bung in the oven meals for both dsd and your dcs. just not every night, you could alternate it. Batch cook and microwave your own frozen meals sometimes to avoid having to have two meals cooking.

How old are your kids? Their fussiness sounds way more annoying tbh! But yes, your DH needs to step up.

No way would I be doing this. Cook one meal for all and if she or DP doesn't like it DP can start cooking her meals.

Pass it over to DP. His child, his religion, his responsibility

If she is upset she can’t have the cheese, then she can have the cheese. She should be allowed to make her own choices.

Though in your OP you state that “DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion” so not ‘born into’?
If DP would ‘only’ feed his DD ready meals, why d’you need to worry what you put in front of her?

YANBU, ask your DH to sit with you and meal plan.

But YABU to accept that your DC will complain about no meat / not eat a few vegetarian or even vegan meals. There are so many options, I can’t believe they genuinely dislike all of them - random ideas:
Ratatouille and rice
Savoury muffins (broccoli/tomato/pine nuts for ex)
Tomato/watermelon/mozzarella salad
Omelette with onions + any leftover veg
Gazpacho or other cold soups (courgette, pea/mint, etc)
Butternut and peppers quesadillas
Veg lasagna

I would be serving roast chicken and vegetables, olive oil no butter or cream. Boiled rice or pasta if you want more carbs. Fruit for pudding with the option of yoghurt for those not on a dairy restriction. I would serve this every single night and if anyone objected to the repetition I would insist they come up with at least two options that would meet all the requirements for everyone at the table.

At 7 she is more than old enough to help out or start learning in the kitchen.
Would this be an option?

Is your relationship really going to last with this man?

You must hate him dumping all the labour of cooking for, and feeding his kids. Why does he get to refuse?

I don't normally advocate this sort of food but would fake meat products work - so vegan sausages/nuggets etc? No need to tell your DC that it isn't actually meat? Or make veggie meals and serve meat or fish on the side that your DC can add in?

Just do meat / fish and veg for everyone , simple , yes her dad should be stepping up but frankly it sounds like the issue is less her dietary requirements and more that the rest of your kids are really fussy .

I think you and DP need to sit down together and work out a system. Do you do most of the cooking because he's working more hours? If so, he could be in charge of the weekends. If not you could alternate nights. If he wants to feed her a ready meal then let him. Then you need a system to make it easier for yourselves to manage the diet. So she could alternate meat days and dairy days which would mean the 6 hour rule wouldn't be as much of a worry. Or dairy for breakfast, totally vegan lunch (e.g. quorn or houmous sandwich) and then either meat or dairy for dinner. DP could come up with some ideas on how to adapt foods your other children eat (e.g. for lasagne set some of the bolognese sauce aside and she can have it with spaghetti) and if he's in the house he can cook her spaghetti.

I couldn’t be dealing with this.

I’d be asking DH or his ex to agree a meal-plan that I would do then the enormous favour of following, and I’d expect huge thanks from them afterwards for adjusting my life to suit their preferences (not from the child, not her doing or her choices, the poor thing). The meal plan is so that I don’t have to do the thinking, they do. I’d have my own children’s fussiness to use my brain space for. And, they need to build this meal plan with their DD so that they carry the burden of her saying this or that isn’t fair.

Shockingly unfair of them. I’d be so cross.

Judaism passes down the mother's line, so if your mum is Jewish you are Jewish.

DSD won't want to eat cheese if we offer it to her and she understands she can't. She will just be annoyed the other kids are getting to have it. But they won't eat veggie pasta without cheese. We have tried vegan cheese, no one likes it.

DP works long hours and says he doesn't have the time and energy to think about it. I also work but am part time and mostly WFH, and tend to do most admin things with the kids. I totally agree the answer is he steps up but I know from experience he won't.

Husband should be cooking her meals.

“DP works long hours and says he doesn't have the time and energy to think about it.”

if he wanted to, he would.

@orangefoxsoda - are there pasta sauces that you can make meat free/suitable for your dsd, that you could add meat into at the end? So carbonara, but the bacon is added at the end, after you dish up dsd’s?

I make a lemon pasta - cook the pasta and drain it, then add the grated zest and juice 1 lemon + 50g grated Parmesan + 1tbsp of hot pasta water per person, and mix through the hot pasta. You can then add cooked chicken or bacon, or we have sea food or fish - after dishing up for dsd. We sometimes add asparagus and petit pois.

Cook what you’d cook, when you’d cook, leave the rest to him, be that meals he’d
do when she’s not with you and alternatives if your food isn’t halal/kosher/whatever.

She just might have to be annoyed then. She has a whole life ahead of her in a society that doesn’t share her dietary restrictions.

You deserve a medal 🥇 OP. No wonder you’re a bit demented.

Hi OP

R really dirty you are dealing with this.

I'm not addressing the DH issue because I don't know where to start.

One of the things you might consider is approaching your local rabbi for advice about your very specific situation.

Otherwise I'm with everyone else: veggie/ready meals.

I absolutely couldn’t be arsed with this, and neither should you. If she can’t or won’t eat what your own DC are having, it’s beans on toast, irrespective of what the mother would say (‘we don’t observe that diet so she had to fall in with us while she was here’),

Why have her religious fads become your problem?

Its another long (and potentially expensive) month of ball ache, if you don’t nip this in the bud right now.

The only other way is for DP to step up and sort it all out, but it sounds like this isnt going to happen.

This

Salmon/chicken/meat, potatoes, veg and variations on this

Burgers in buns, salad

stir fries

Hearty soup and bread

tomato pasta with chicken sausages