To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

This is absolutely on your DH, he should be sorting out her meals. If you need some ideas for meal planning, however, you could stick all the information into Chat GPT and ask it to create a meal plan that will work for everyone. I am aware it's the work of the devil but it is also pretty good at doing stuff like this 🫣
Edit: just seen PP has suggested the same!

Can you buy vegan cheese for her?
So don't make everyone vegan but adjust bits for her?

And look at Cook ready meals. They aren't rubbish. They are really good quality.

It seems to be a very selective pattern . Time lapse between milk and meat but don't expect you to keep a kosher kitchen . I think it's unfair to put the burden of meal planning on you alone . DH needs to have some input too . Doesnt help that your own kids seem to be fussy as well . Bet you can't wait until everyone can cook for themselves.

Bloomin hell! That’s so tricky! I’d be saying to DH nope, she’ll eat what we eat or you can cook separate for her. Then leave him to his ready meals. If she’s overweight that’s a shame but you’re not going to solve it in one summer, nor shud u have to. The poor girl with a crap dad.

Everyone in this scenario is taking advantage of you.

This does sound extremely difficult OP. If your DH doesn't normally cook, he's not going to cope with preparing meals for DSD without a lot of input from you, so I wouldn't bother. I would try to find some kosher meals (e.g. roast chicken) that everyone will eat, and some kosher meals suitable for batch cooking and freezing so you can easily produce a separate meal for DSD that isn't a ready meal (but no harm in the occasional ready meal either). I would make DH eat the kosher meal too so DSD doesn't feel like the odd one out - that can be his contribution. Also re. the 6 hour rule, can you eat dinner a bit later to get round that, with a snack to tide the children over?

If she is overweight WTF is she actually eating as part of this religious diet then?

If he was single I doubt he’d have her for this long at a time or cater to the diet his ex is insisting on. Like lots of step mums you’ve fallen into the trap of caring more than the parent does. It still won’t be enough, no one will thank you and you’ll feel very put upon. You’ve had loads of advice on the specifics on the food issues but take a step back in your head and consider what he’d do if you weren’t around to skivvy and think for him, for his child, for his ex and adjust accordingly.

This does sound like a bit of a pain in the arse. If you are constantly trying to cater to everyone'spreferences simultaneously, you will go mad! To that extent, I have to say you are creating this mental burden for yourself. You need to simplify things as much as you can, and have a rule that when she's with you, everyone eats what she can eat. If your kids are fussy they can go without, or help themselves to a narrow range of healthy foods they like.

No child ever willingly starved itself to death. Few kids could have been fussier eaters than my eldest - until he was around 7or 8 I could count on the fingers of two hands the foods he would eat. Cream crackers, cooked chicken, cucumber and blueberries - I always had them in the house and if he didn't like what we were eating he could have those for his meal. As for DSD feeling sad when everyone else is eating cheese and she can't.... That's just life. She's going to spend most of her life around people who don't follow these religious rules, so she needs to get used to it.

But of course your husband should be pulling his weight. The thing is, if you want him to take on some of the mental load, you have to be prepared to let him do it his way, and that might not be your way.

DP needs to step up and take responsibility for planning to accommodate his daughter's special diet. If that means she gains weight, that's up to him and his ex to sort.

I'd make food that the rest of the family will eat and enjoy, regardless of what DSD is eating. She will have to accept that your kids can eat things she can't, if she's committed to following her special diet.

YANBU to resent your DH's refusal to take care of his dd, or even think about HOW to care for his dd.

Fish fingers
Fish pie
Salmon in different ways
Fish cakes
Quiche

Quite! The level of intolerance for the religious dietary requirements of a seven year old who is spending the whole holidays away from her mother (“she should just eat toast”) sits in stark contrast to the expectations of flexibility to cater for kids who are just fussy. I should say, I don’t mean the OP, who is trying her best to cater for everyone, but many of the other posters here.

I dunno; if DEx isn’t fussed about the child’s food being prepared in a kosher kitchen, why does she care about other ‘slippages’ when said child is out of her jurisdiction, such as cheese eaten within x number of hours of consuming a steak (during the month of August but while wearing a head covering)?

What I mean is: either be strict and take your rules seriously, or ditch the whole shebang.
OR take the third way, and be reasonable, and allow the child to eat with her father’s new family without insisting that she be served a quite separate menu carefully scrutinised for dietary transgressions.
I’d think the girl’s mum’s unbothered attitude to the ‘impure’ kitchen is a hint that her heart isn’t really in this proscriptive business anyway.

A 7-year old child will hardly offend a benevolent deity if she abandons a religious dietary imposition in order not to cause bother to her fraught step-mother.
If her dad can’t be arsed to ensure she remains in every way a proper Jewish child with every bite, he might at least be willing to explain to her why she can indeed have a cheeseburger in this house, but not at her mum’s.
(Which is: so as not to cause extra work to her nice stepmother, who is not Jewish. The child should be able to grasp this at 7)

Agreed. She's seven and we've had posters fat-shame, say the OP shouldn't feed her, only feed her beans on toast, or only cook food she can't eat. Not to mention denying her religion and calling it a fad. I hope none of these posters ever treat a child like this in real life.

Plenty of sensible suggestions for the OP to take on board. DP should step up, but otherwise I'd just figure out a few days worth of meals that work and rotate till you get to the end of her stay and then set rules with DP before she comes to stay again.

In Jewish law, a child of seven is not personally obliged to keep Kosher. It is the responsibility of her parents to guide her. You are doing your best and are not her parent, so this falls to her father. If he chooses to allow her not to be as observant in your household, that is up to him. It makes her no less Jewish.

Can I suggest that you get a book by one of my favourite cooks, Claudia Rosen's The book of Jewish Food. Her writing style and content is brilliant, I first discovered her as an Egyptian cook whose books were sold in the 70s & 80s by the tills in Sainsburys... this book is a treasure and will probably satisfy everyone and make them more adventurous in their eating.

Not convinced that buying a new cookbook and making unfamiliar recipes is really going to make things easier for the OP.

I think your friend here may be batch cooking. Things that your DC and yourself will eat so then you're only cooking each meal time for DSD.

I remember your other thread OP about her weight, and it seems very unfair that her Dad isn't helping you here. I think it may be time to read him the riot act over it all, personally. She's only here for the summer and he needs to make the most of that time with her. That could involve cooking together.

she doesn’t get to get upset that others are having cheese, that’s ridiculous, now she’s effectively pushing her choice on the rest of the family. Just no.

I honestly didn't know that Jews cannot eat meat and dairy at the same time. Why?

Exodus 23:19

THIS!!

This is why religions are ridiculous nonsense!! The child isn't even old enough to make an informed choice as to whether she wants to follow these rules - they have been unfairly imposed on her 😬

All crazy nonsense

I can't get onboard with not respecting her mum's wishes. I'm sorry but I can't. It's no different than Muslims not eating pork but not following other parts of Sharia law. I'm already trying to cut down on snacks with her because she's overweight and her mum isn't doing anything about it. That's hard enough, singling her out as the one having beans on toast while everyone else is having a different meal isn't fair on her.

She is definitely old enough to understand and make an informed choice. Which she is doing. We have given her things like bacon in the past when she was younger and less aware, she won't let us do that now.

I like the batch cooking idea. Ideally if DP helps with it, but I'm not holding my breath.