To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

Do your DC like fish and eggs? Fish and eggs are not considered meat or dairy so I would just do lots of fish and egg based meals (omelettes, tuna sandwiches, grilled fish etc) to get round the timing issue. Obviously the fish has to be a pretty standard fish (has fins and scales) for it to be kosher.

I grew up eating "kosher-style" (rather than strict kosher), which is basically what you are trying to do here, and I've never thought of it as restrictive.

Stick it into Claude/ChatGPT and see what it says. It's great for meal planning with restrictions.

Don't know why you're concerned your children moaning about no meat - let them moan surely? Or buy loads of pre packaged ham and chicken and they can add.
At the same time dsd needs to get over it if they have cheese, it just is what it is! If they're teens or preteens they will moan about every single meal regardless so don't wring yourself into knots! Go old school and they get what they're given, with a few sides they can add to, serve it all buffet style and that's that.

Falafel, houmous, middle Eastern etc food. Make your own pizza night. Make your own tacos/fajitas. Jacket spuds with loads of topping available. Toasties and tinned soup!

I would stick with some religion friendly ready meals for half the week and then the other half try to stick with some own child friendly/religion friendly meals - maybe three of those if you can find any? Whilst not ideal from a healthy eating perspective, I think that is a better option than resenting your step child. Or, some ready meals and maybe your husband comes up with some meals for his child that you and your children can eat.

Ham? Like pork?

The moaning will be adding to the mental load the OP is already resenting. This is why it's for the DP to take on some of the catering and to have milk days and meat days so there's no confusion. The fact that the OP is prepared to go to the lengths she is to look out for her DSD makes it pretty clear she's not going to be serving the girl pork 🙄

This sounds super sensible. Whilst the dad ought to be stepping up, he won’t and everyone needs to be fed. Making a nominally vegetarian meal then adding meat is a brilliant idea. I’d be worrying about calorie content of mainly pasta meals given little one is overweight, so maybe sneaking in blended veg for bulk and swapping pasta for salad if they’ll go for it.

For ease, I’d say do days with meat added at the end or no meat days, it won’t do the others harm to skip the meat every now and again, possibly may save money too (and better for the environment if that’s something on your radar, I get that ensuring all the dc will actually eat what you make is frankly more of a priority) Would maybe be good to expand the variety of what the OP’s dc will eat/time to experiment?

Yes smart arse... the other children eat pork presumably.

If her dad's not worried about the religious diet then I wouldn't bother either.

Actually, I agree with this suggestion, to get your DH to prep DSC's food for the week on a sunday.

Also.. with making three separate meals... We have one part that everyone can eat... so if it was a pasta dish and We have one who can't have pasta anymore... so we do courgette or vegetable ribbons and add the sauce. with a salad. That way everyone is eating more or less the same thing. And we have say three different pie dishes if its a baked dish.. and put the main thing in everyone's.. but different additions in two of them. Its not any harder and we don't have to think of one size fits allll food. An air fryer might be useful in this respect.

Could also get some over night oats receipes.. and encourage the children to make then and add to their individual tastes.. that makes breakfast much quicker and easier.

Vegan spread, vegan cheese would be a way around the meat/dairy clash.
I also found that do ing a really clear explaination of what can and can't be eaten and putting it into chatgpt.. came up with some quite useable suggestions and shopping lists... which I found quite useful.

But yes. Your DH needs to do more

But then the child might go back to her mum who is worried about these things.. and it puts the child in the middle... plus she's old enough to know what she's allowed or not allowed and that would make her feel very uncomfortable.

Ultimately, its down to the DH's lazyness and lack of concern for her feelings.

There is plenty of meat your DSD could eat: chicken, lamb, beef. Most fish apart from shellfish. Does it need to be kosher? If it does, why don't you get your DH / DP to order it from a kosher shop while your DSD is here and freeze it? Everyone can eat it while she's around (it tastes the same as standard meat). She can eat most fish apart from shellfish. Her dad does need to help here. Perhaps you can plan some meals together that all the children can eat. Fish and chips? Spaghetti bolognaise and she has to have vegan cheese? The others can have normal parmesan? Roast chicken? Chicken sausages and mash (your children could have standard sausages and you can freeze the rest of the sausages). Also it would be helpful if her mum sent over some meal suggestions to your DP so that you can find out what DSD actually likes eating. Although she follows dietary rules I don't think the diet is that different from bog standard Western diet. (I had a good schoolfriend whose parents kept strictly kosher and honestly they didn't eat very different food from us bar bacon sarnies). Def her dad should support you - it's so typical for us women to get left to carry the mental load for this stuff :-(

I would order a load of kids' meals from Cook (that she will eat) and give her that on Pie Day.

If it's a pasta dish I would boil all the pasta together then pop DSD's portion in a small separate pan and add tomato sauce. Even lasagne you can put her portion in a small pie dish.

Some frozen margarita pizzas might be a good idea too.

You could keep lunch easy like a PB/hummus sandwich for DSD

My kids dont like cheese or spice so I often make half of dinner then pop a portion into a separate pan whilst I add all the lovely chilli to mine!

You can insist he takes responsibility for it and cooks for her, you can't insist he doesn't give her a ready meal every night if that's the way he chooses to handle it.

YANBU to find his lack of concern for his DD's health startling poor parenting and deeply unattractive.

If you’re in the UK then the quality of vegan meat substitutes is actually quite good. My meat-eating DD actually often prefers them. So get in a supply of vegan chicken less nuggets or burgers then try and make some days ‘dairy’ days and the next day a ‘meat’ day. Using vegan substitutes for any cross-overs. Eg Linda McCartney mince for a veggie chili or spaghetti bolognaise.

And Yes, it should be DH stepping up to take the mental load.

No; the child is likely of the same religion: and it would be completely disrespectful to feed the child food that isn’t permitted in her religion

This Is a conversation you need to be having with DH, not Mumsnet. Your DSD is 7, you could potentially find yourself in this exact situation, every summer for the next decade. Sort it now before it becomes the norm. I think it could work but needs a team approach, with you and DH sharing the load. Together sit down and work out a menu. Figure out which meals work for everyone and which will require a separate meal for dsd. Where possible ask DH batch cook and freeze a couple of options for when dsd needs a different meal. It’s fine to include a few days of jacket potatoes with tuna and salad, beans on toast, omelette.
I would also suggest DH takes this opportunity to educate his daughter, that, as she follows a different religion, there will be times when she can’t have what others are having (I.e the cheese on meat based pasta dish), she’s going to need to learn this anyway. Liken it to a child with an allergy being unable to have foods containing their allergen when others are.
There is also an opportunity for you to try to expand your own children’s palate, particularly challenging the notion that all meals need to contain meat and, as we all have different tastes, sometimes it’s necessary to have foods that you enjoy less in order for someone else to have their favourite.

This is why I would never get into a relationship with a guy who had kids, then have even more kids together

What a disaster

This - l could not put up with this shit, the answer would be l am unable to cater for her needs and therefore can't have her for so long.

Your very lazy DH is surely capable of spending ten minutes writing a command in ChatGpt or Claude to explain what is needed for a two-week meal plan, with shopping lists?! If he isn't, you have a bigger problem.

Will it upset DSD to just ignore her diet while she's with you? Or make her ill because her body is not used to digesting the food she doesn't usually have? If not, I would honestly just ignore it. If dad isn't on board with helping, then it's just too much work.

How long is she with you for in total and how much holiday does your partner take while she is with you?

Already tell him next year you are taking your child ( that isn’t his) away for 2 weeks during that time, and he has to cater for all his kids during that time.

He is being allowed to opt out of parenting.

Just don't mix meat and dairy and you're golden

He's a loser and you are being used by him.
Hand it over to him.
You are not married, this is not your child.
If it's important to him, he can sort it out.

Will she eat quorn or similar?

Yanbu to be annoyed with your dh but I dont think thisnis impossible. Cook the meat separately if necessary. Revert to lots of meals with meat and veggiss and xarbs - grilled chicken, steamed veg, potatoes or fried fish, chips, salad. Make your own pizza.

Encourage your children to eat tomatoe based pasta sauces.