To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

If she's upset that the other kids get something she doesn't then it's very simple to explain that no one is stopping her. But if she doesn't want to eat it she doesn't get to complain that other people do.

food isn’t a religious belief… is it?
If there was a supply chain issue / war / rationing (I appreciate there isn’t) people who subscribe to religions would eat what was available to them.

Keeping Kosher is far more involved than just not eating pork and waiting 6 hours between meat and milk dishes. All your equipment and appliances need to be blessed, the kitchen and all equipment for food and drink needs to be made Kosher via very specific cleaning and blessing. Any new kitchen equipment used for cooking or eating needs to be taken to a mikvah and all foods she eats checked for Kosher compliance.

The efforts you are making are not following the Kosher Laws properly anyway, so if it is too much, I would stop worrying and just do what you can. Your SD's Mother cannot dictate that you follow this practise and since her daughter is not keepings Shabos of her own accord and is not orthodox there is no way she can force you to comply. It is a practise that she should decide about for herself in the future and her father needs to support you by saying that to his ex wife.

Presumably Muslim or Jewish or similar religion where not following food laws is just not possible.
DH should cook for her and him and you can deal with other DC and you.
Try to cook one meal and adaptions where at all possible.
Those seem the only sensible SOLUTIONS
Edited as saw your update, get her lazy git of a dad to cook for her, presumably she can have spaghetti bol without cheese and your kids can have cheese. You can be strict if you don't have separate prep and cooking areas so this must be possible. Same with plant based pastry on pies, mash made with olive oil etc

Yes. I wouldn't be able to do it as a non Jew - I know the rules as I have worked in a Jewish institution but they are not easy to adhere in a normal household or supermarked.

This isn't strictly true for reform Jews. My understanding is it's a bit more relaxed on some of the separation bits, eg no separate kitchens needed. She does only eat kosher meat.

So would the fussy kids! Unless we were talking about ARFID but it doesn't seem to be.
What doesn't sit well is the fact so many replies say they wouldn't follow the restrictions for her, but don't mention the fact it's only really a problem because the other children are fussy and won't eat the same thing.

ETA: That's not to say OP isnt right to be fed up, there's a definite husband problem here!

We each have one DC from a previous relationship, and we have two DC together.

Get a couple more small pans and cook carbs, meat and veg separately, then everyone takes what they want. Eg
Pasta, meat, tomato or veggie sauce in three pans, grated cheese on the side.
Wraps with meat, salad, and cheese in sep pots.
Rice, soy sauce meat, soy sauce veg.
its no more work putting ingredients into separate pots then the same pot. I had a fussy eater and it worked for me.

Exactly.

P.S. LOVE the username!

It's a Jewish law that life takes precedence, and so if starvation is what is at stake then people can eat rather than keep kosher.

However in this case, everyone can just eat vegetarian meals or the DSD can eat vegetarian. No stress.

What you are doing is only a half-arsed form of kosher. Are you checking all packaging for kosher certification? Have you koshered your kitchen? Are you using separate milk and meat crockery? Are you buying kosher meat?

Jewish people follow a wide variety of food standards, from eating everything and ignoring all of the rules, through to following every rule.

If she's not following every rule, then the mother appears to have picked a fairly arbitrary set of rules to follow and I'm not sure I'd pander that much to them. I'd not offer pork or shellfish as that is pretty straightforward. But she can either eat the veggie pasta and live without the cheese or go hungry.

Fuck that.
If his daughter has a specific diet then he has to prepare for that.
Mind you, your other children sound super fussy!
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this because it’s simply not practical to do it alone.

Anyone suggesting that the child should be fed outside of her religious dietary requirements is completely unreasonable. I think where possible you should cook meals everyone will eat if you’re normally the one to cook. But you need to tell your DH this is what I’m cooking this week, and either give him set days to cook so it’s shared more equally, or say on M T and S I’m cooking xyz so you’ll need to make something for DD.

If he doesn’t and never did usually do the cooking and meal planning asking him to suddenly do it for his daughter might end up with more stress rather than less.

Calling it mental load to yourself probably isn’t helpful either. It is planning. You are saying you find planning the food options difficult. Fair enough.

By all means ask for his help. He is not a mind reader. Have you asked him? Have you explained you find organising the arrangements for eating hard ?

You say she doesn't practise this religion? In that case, while she might eat certain things with her mum in the other country, why would she be bothered here? I will sometimes not eat things when with friends/family who don't eat them, out of respect, but I wouldn't bother sticking to that when not with them.

And isn't she old enough to do the cooking herself sometimes? Get all the kids (if old enough) to do plan and cook the meals-shouldn't just be on you and your husband if you're both working and they aren't.

OP work out what is easiest for you in terms of milk days and meat days. Tell your DP what days you need him to do the catering for and whether you need him to do the milk days and/or the meat days. Some of the veggie alternative meats are actually pretty good so maybe on some of the milk days your DS can have the veggie sausage pasta, or the veggie cheese burger etc. no restriction on full dairy cheese for anyone. Insist that your DP takes on some days (is it realistic Friday dinner through to Sunday dinner for him?). I like the idea of the eldest 2 giving your DP some suggestions of what to cook on his days. If DSD is 7, and assume your DS is a similar age, then obviously they are not in a position to cook it themselves.

Eating in a Kosher fashion as I described is what makes you orthodox. Reform Jews are not orthodox and do not choose to follow Kosher dietary laws "properly". In essence, your step daughters mother has chosen to follow a watered down version of them so cannot argue that it is critical to her daughters religious observance that they are followed.

Your step daughter doesn't eat Kosher and she is not less Jewish because of it. You are doing your best to do what her mother has asked but there is a limit and you have reached it, that is fine. You can only do what you can manage.

If a court order was in place to insist that the Kosher laws are followed in both households this would be entirely different, but I am assuming there isn't one.

Your partner doesn't follow the faith and clearly has no interest in doing so. His daughters mother knew this when she married him! You can encourage her, but should not be a slave to it. If she wants a bit of cheese with her pasta , her father can remind her of her mothers wishes and deal with the fall out if she doesn't like it.
It is important for her to learn early that she will always be slightly compromised by the restrictions that kosher eating involves, this is the idea of it! As a result she will need to make her own choice regarding her level of Jewish observance in adult life, but will be no less Jewish for her choice.

Yabu to have ever entered into this drama. His dc. His cooking.
Surely when he had a dc with his ex he knew the drill going forward?or was she cooking full time and never him?
Mm wonder why they split ?
Because he is a lazy arsed df ?

Why though? I’m not religious. I wouldn’t serve pork to a Jewish or Muslim visitors, or beef to a Hindu. But that’s about as far as I’d go.

Well, inevitably you are going to end up with complex mealtimes with that level of "blending" and I say that as someone with a blended family myself.
Your step daughter is only over in the holidays so the least you can all do is make her feel welcome and supported and that her religious dietary needs are respected.

It will be good for the rest of the children to learn to be less fussy

I’m in a blended family I have one girl he has a girl 6 years younger than mine. I am responsible for feeding my child and he feeds his, the odd time if I’m putting something in for my child I will put something in the air fryer for his also if it looks like they’re gonna eat at the same time, but I’m no nanny, it doesn’t concern me what or when she eats, he gets on with it.

im guessing if you’re all sitting down together for a meal he is just expecting you to do it, if so tell him yous are taking turns from now on. If you don’t all sit down together just don’t feed her, when she says she’s hungry tell her to tell her dad. Oi ‘partner’ your kid is hungry, you need to feed her! Then make yourself scarce till he gets the message.

It’s very easy for people who aren’t religious to not care about the religious needs of others. But I honestly think if I was talking to a Jewish person who was telling me that growing up her stepmum used to make her pork chops for dinner I would be disgusted and think her stepmum was abusive.

But I get where OP is coming from, this is her dads responsibility. But I honestly think anyone saying just let her eat what you eat is out of order