To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

Like others have mentioned, it's a bit odd that she has to wait 6 hours between meat and milk when she's allowed to eat at your house in the first place, but I guess each to their own.

We have spent the summer with orthodox family and it has been a challenge. Some of the kids are very fussy so it has definitely been tricky! But things like jacket potatoes with various choices of toppings or tacos (same idea with everyone choosing their own toppings) work quite well. It does sound like maybe the other children also need to accept that there won't always be meat available at every meal though 🙈

You're not unreasonable to be fed up with the mental load being all yours to deal with though. It's completely unfair and needs to be addressed. Him working surely doesn't mean he can't sit down and come up with a list of suitable meals for his child?! That's just him shirking all responsibility.

If you want suggestions for meals, let me know and I'll send you a list of meals that have worked for us. Alternatively, get your husband to ask his ex for meal plans she uses and see what might work for the rest of your family too.

Good luck!

My children have complex (medical) dietary needs as well as selective eating for one due to autism-related reasons and I feel your pain because it’s hard work. Your husband should absolutely be helping more here. He can at least help you meal plan and shop even if he’s not always around to do some cooking.

But a big part of the problem seems to be your own children’s fussiness and not just the DS’s dietary requirements. If there is no medical or developmental reason for your children’s fussy eating then perhaps this is a good opportunity for them to try some new things?

Regarding things like SD’s annoyance if your children eat cheese, I would say she just has to live with that and get used to it. My kids have to deal with the fact that people around them eat things they can’t, and unlike religious requirements it’s not even something they can opt out of as they get older. They just have to accept it; yes it’s difficult sometimes especially with complex SEND but it is what it is and I wouldn’t expect all others around them to never eat cheese or ice cream or cake or anything else because they can’t have it. We find alternatives and make sure they have a treat if we’re having one but we wouldn’t just ban cheese for example. It’s part of their life and sadly they do have to accept it.

Presumably SD will go to school and clubs and mix with people who don’t observe the same diet? If not, it’s likely to happen in her future so she is going to have to learn to accept it, and if she doesn’t like it then she can choose not to follow the diet later on if she wishes.

DH knows more about this than you do plus it’s his child - he needs to be doing the cooking.

At the very least, he needs to buy the ingredients and write you a meal plan to follow.

The working long hours is a BS excuse.
I work long hours but as a single parent still manage to feed my DC.
No way would I expect a partner to be parenting my child for me.

It’s literally a few weeks of cooking for him, he’ll manage.

You don’t need milk to make scrambled egg

Irrelevant. It’s up to the individual Jew how practicing they are.

OTOH relevant, because he is the one who has studied kashrut so he should be making the effort. Conversion was important enough for him when he wanted to get married, but not important enough for him when he parents his own child?

Most important of all, over and above religious status or practice, he is the child’s father. He needs to step up.

Talking as a mum with a child with severe food allergies…

BOLLOCKS TO THAT. Mum and dad are responsible to ensure the child is fed appropriately so there are no issues. That’s either due to health issues, religious beliefs or whatever.

It is a LOT OF WORK, you cannot expect a new partner to carry all that load on her own. If he is just dumping the responsibility with you the child goes back to her mum . PERIOD.

Mum will be upset and angry, dad will say you are selfish but the fact here is that they are the parents and they know how to feed her, you don’t so no matter how much you try, you will not get it right and they will blame you even if you are cooking exactly what the mum cooks for her.

And also, if neither of them are helping and the child just agrees to eat the same simple thing every single day… That’s ok, she will not become malnourished or more overweight if she only eats things she will accept until the summer ends in 2 weeks.

OP refers to her kids as being fussy, not having any condition that means they can't eat certain things. I'm sure she would have mentioned arfid, we're it relevant.

I wouldn't worry about ready meals for their calorific content- they are generally lower in calories than a version you would do yourself- not as healthy but not higher calorie.

I just saw OP’s other thread where she is asking about putting DSD on a diet as she think she is overweight. In the other thread she mentioned the kid has been going through substantial upheaval being passed from one relative to another one as her mum
is ill.

Under these circumstances I would say, make sure DSD has a good time, feed her whatever she can eat that she is permitted to eat even if it is a bit fattening and when it comes to sorting kids’ relationships with food, op should stay on her line and focus on sorting her own children’s fussiness and diet before trying fix a visiting child.

Why? Her soul isn’t going to be tainted. I wouldn’t feed a Jewish person pork, I don’t eat it myself but if eaten nothing would happen. I believe Judaism is relatively relaxed about not sticking to the rules in an emergency or if you don’t know.

I get this might make people mad but it is just a load of made up nonsense. I wouldn’t be eating certain food based on what some old men said thousands of years ago.

But the 7 year old hardly has religious ‘beliefs’, with a broad comprehension of Judaism’s dietary requirements, let alone any actual theology.
Tangential really, but still….

Maybe this is one of those who count eggs as dairy. My sis in law used to, when she eschewed milk and cream (except when in chocolates). 🙄

Yes, I also do not follow a religion and don’t believe in any of it, but I 100% believe in religious freedom and if a child that I am responsible for is part of a religion then I’m going to respect that. The same way I would expect a religious person to respect that I won’t be following their religious practices.

A 7 year old is unable to manage this themselves and so if I force them to follow a diet that’s not in line with their religious practices then I’m in no doubt this may cause upset and angst for them. I think it would he really disgusting to not respect their religious identity.

If you ever asked to look after a child and won’t meet their religious dietary needs then do them a favour and just tell their parents you’re not willing to follow a basic level of decency so that they can not leave their child with you

I would stick to their requirements as much as I could, I just couldn’t be bothered about keeping a kosher kitchen. If I was OP I would probably just go meat free while the DSD is there, but see she has obstacles for this.

My little rant was more about the issue of religion generally sorry, seems like various rules for nothing, but that’s my view. People can follow whatever rules they like, and I would respect them as much as I could. I just think it is a load of nonsense.

No meat with dairy

I would ask your husband to talk to the Rabbis at the Shul they go to, you won't be the first family in these circumstances or equivalent ones (ie. catering for elderly relatives who are more observant).

I suspect they can help come up with meal ideas that are reasonably familiar to everyone else.

Different branches of Judaism have different interpretations of the rules and some of the rules are family customs. Worth trying to talk to a Rabbi type about the extent to which your household can develop its own customs separate to her mum's customs. I'm pretty sure once she's 12/13 and is a religious adult there's room for that. Not sure what the thinking is with a child in a non practising household.

Would also suggest going with your stepdaugher to a supermarket with a big kosher section / a kosher shop to see if you can find any of her favourites.

I read good things about the double wrapped kosher meals made for airlines - whilst I understand not wanting to rely on that kind of pre-packaged food all the time it would give you some breathing space with an emergency meal or two.

No, this shouldn't be just for you to figure out without your husband's input - he should know something about the dietary rules already and be able to contribute to the meal planning and cooking.

The child is jewish because she was born to a jewish mother and its nothing to do with the dad

But if the meat and cheese are separately available for people to add their own, it works. Each person can choose one, both, or neither to add to their meal.

If the DSD isn't a fussy eater, then can you just give her meat substitutes instead of meat? My daughter was vegetarian for many years and the meat substitutes are amazing these days. Then you don't need to worry about the meat and dairy thing.

But you definitely have a DH problem here, rather than a meal planning one. Tell him if he doesn't parent his child properly, she can no longer stay.

I'm assuming you're parenting her most of the time too along with your and his other children?

It’s unreasonable to expect the non-Jewish stepmother to live a kosher life for her DSD. Especially as the mother does not appear to be bothered about her daughter eating in a non-kosher kitchen, on dishes also used for non-kosher food.

Having kosher options available alongside other options, so that the all the children can choose what they can/will eat, is reasonable.

I wish people would understand the reasons they had those things thousands and years ago it was because of health and sanitation.

People would get food poisoning and parasites. There was no modern medicine. There were no modern sanitation standards. Nobody had a high-end fridge where they could keep things frozen lol. things went off. people got sick and died people getting sick and dying weakened the tribe with less people there was less protection from attacks by others. That really is all there was to it so they made up these rules 🤦🏽

Where are you going with this? That we should carry on with the rules, or it's very much optional now, as people aren't dying of mixing milk and meat?

I’m really shocked about the dismissiveness and disrespect of religious dietary requirements on here.

You don’t need to believe it matters. But people do, and it wouldn’t cross my mind to mock it, although I myself am not religious,

this is a child. Fuck sake, it’s not difficult to make meals to suit

It's not difficult to make meals that suit the child's religious rules as well as her preferences if the kid is just there on her own. It is difficult for the OP to do that whilst also accommodating her own children's dietary requirements and also being conscious of not making the visiting child feel upset. This is why the DP - who is not Jewish by birth and who has decided he's no longer Jewish having once converted but is now opting out - needs to at the very least step up and join in with his Jewish daughter's religious dietary requirements so that she doesn't feel like an outcast and, better, stop expecting the OP to do all the cooking for everyone all week.

What ready meals would her dad give her ?

why have to wait 6hrs after eating meat to add dairy - is that part of the religion

so some days can eat meat ?

and why are you sorting this out and dh not helping