DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

I would do it now before children (with the caveat that you come back often because I think your relationship will suffer if you don't make time for it). Would you get weekends off? How long have you been together?

To add - I am coming at this as someone who went abroad to study for a year after I met now-DH.

I would go in a heartbeat - can’t understand why he wouldn’t see this as a fantastic opportunity for you, and it’s only a year - he comes to stay at the weekend, you have fun in Amsterdam (amazing city), it’s great for your career and the extra money can be banked for your maternity leave if you start a family. It’s a no brainer in my opinion - I’d be very cross if my husband didn’t want me to go! Sour grapes perhaps - are you doing better in your career than he is? Could he be a bit jealous? He shouldn’t be, a good partner should be supportive. Good luck with your choice!

It's Amsterdam not America. You can see each other a lot.

Is he inadvertently showing who he expects to make any career sacrifices for parenthood?

If it's only a year, gives you a 50k salary bump, permanently (I think, from what you're saying?) then I can see why you'd go for it. You'd only need to stop trying for a baby for 6 or 9 months because you'd be home after 12. You'd get to live in Amsterdam. The Eurostar takes under 4 hours or the flight takes an hour. You could easily visit each other once every 3 or 4 weeks. Would there be any option to WFH for a couple of days once a month for either of you so you could spend a bit longer together?

I can see why your husband doesn't want you to, but I think that's an easy thing to think on other people's behalf.

I would say go but absolutely commit to
coming back regularly and budget for DH to visit you - depending on travel costs each of you could travel to each other once a month or so, that you could see each other fortnightly. The opportunity may not present itself again and a man would certainly be likely to go rather than agonise about it. At 31 you are still young enough to not feel huge pressure about starting a family.

Maternity care is loads better in NL than UK, so if he'd be prepared to follow you, it would be a good move from that perspective! Cost of living is high though, so 50k more might not actually be that much. We're on around 150k together: we're comfortably middle class with several foreign holidays per year while paying daycare, but I get the impression from MN that we'd have more spending power in the UK. Maybe it's just the MN infinite chicken phenomenon though!

I think you should do it. You're so young and you don't have children tying you down yet. Seize every opportunity - this sounds like a great one.

Absolutely go for it! It could take a while to conceive anyway, and it’s highly likely you could finish your year fine in most stages of pregnancy if you want to continue trying. It sounds like a fab opportunity and probably won’t come round again- why would they ask you when you turned it down once?

Do it. It will do more harm to your marriage over the years ahead when the trickle of resentment kicks in and you’re forever wondering ‘what if’

I know quite a few happy couples that do longer weekly than the flight to Amsterdam. Including commutes within the UK if the family lives up north somewhere but the DH works in London and also within the US- my old boss in Chicago, her husband worked in Boston. You could come home every weekend, or since there are no kids yet, that you do alternate Amsterdam and London weekends. The big pay bump will more than cover the travel especially if you’re on it and book early. Could you also negotiate a Friday WFH so you could travel Thursday night and always have a long weekend to play with? I’d 100% go for it, I think it’s really workable, but would just hold off TTC until you’re towards the end of the year, which will be fine as you have time on your side at 31.

An offer like this isn’t really about the money is it? It’s about the opportunity to live abroad and progress your career, the fact it’s £50,000 more is just the cherry on top and will pay for the frequent visits each way. I’d love such a time boxed opportunity to live abroad.

Definitely do it, he can come out for weekends, and your career will never wake up and say it doesn't love you anymore

If you take it you could lose your marriage and not have any children. You need to decide which is more important, neither is right or wrong. It's a personal choice but your DH raising concerns suggests that he isn't confident the marriage would survive it.

Sounds like a great opportunity but in marriage decisions have to be made as a couple. Talk it through see if you can make it work. Ask yourself how you’d feel if roles were revered?

Do it. Try for kids when you come back, with a better remuneration package under your belt.

Have you talked about how you will handle childcare when you have children? Is he planning on doing half of it? Will either or both of you go part time? How will you decide who and for how long if it's not both of you? I'd be wary that you end up being the one who goes part time because "it makes sense for you as the lower earner" and take the career hit long term.

For me, if would be a no-brainer, it's only a year, it's better in the early days of your marriage rather than when you have kids, Amsterdam is a great city and you could have a bit of fun while you are still child free, plus you unlock a higher salary and over the years that just keeps compounding (especially when you also think long term about pensions).

How much of the pay bump would be taken up by living separately and travel between the two locations and what sort of percentage increase is that?

I have done the long distance thing in the past, working away Monday to Friday but it was for a pay increase of about 400%. I'd also consider travel options, if you can manage to have two full weekend days, rather than having to travel Sunday evening it makes a big difference.

Congratulations on the offer @Mlouisede

Do it! It’s only a year. It will be an amazing experience. You can start trying for a baby 6 months into the year’s contract anyway (if you want))
Once you have DC it’s harder to take up opportunities like this (and sadly some employers don’t offer them if you are a woman with kids 😔) so you should lean in right now to everything.

I worked in Edinburgh for a few months when we just got engaged. Ok it wasn't a year but it's far enough from London. Our weekends together were very romantic.

If my husband thought that our marriage couldn't survive a bit of separation, it would really ring alarm bells for me and I would be worried that it wouldn't be strong enough for the trials and tribulations of parenthood either.

will your company pay extra on top for housing in Amsterdam? Otherwise after tax, travel and accommodation you may not be that much better off, if at all

Do it now before children. He needs to understand your career will take a hit due to you carrying his children so it's a fair concept to prioritise your career now to get you ahead in advance of that hit.

Refusing a huge opportunity and pay rise AND going on maternity leave is too much sacrifice to ask of you.

This. It will be a good test, IMO, to see if this is the man you really want kids with.

Agree with a PP that I’d think hard about what this says about who takes the career hit when kids come along.

Unfortunately you don’t know until you have a kid whether all the talk of equal load sharing turns out to be true (or BS).

Go and have an adventure in Amsterdam and keep an eye on these subtle signals about parenthood.

Do it.

It is only for a year and Amsterdam is easy to access with the Eurostar!

It is an interesting city too.

You don't have kids and now is the time to enjoy travelling and advancing in your career.

It will be a good test as well to see whether this is really the man to have kids with and spend your life with...