DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Amsterdam is really not far away. You can take it turns travelling for the weekend.

i doubt you’ll be able to save any of the 50k. You’ll need to rent a flat in Amsterdam and you’ll spend a lot on the weekly Eurostar. Running two households in expensive.

that’s not a reason to turn the offer down but you should do some calculations and negotiate the pay.

i think it’s a great opportunity and you should take it.

Do it! Amsterdam to London is only a short hop, and it will be great for both of you.

I would take the job. Amsterdam is probably more accessible (to travel for DH to visit) than some parts of the UK.
It’s about career progression for you, and it won’t be as easy to be flexible when you have kids.

If he’s not able to support his wife take an opportunity for what is only 12 months the relationship is likely already dead in the water. It’s only a year, there’s not really a good justification for not supporting.

Nails it.

It's not about the pay rise for this year alone. It's about the pay rise for the future and the step up the ladder. If you intend to keep your career after children you need to be working to protect it now. And he should support that if he knows you well enough to marry you

Dramatic much?

The OP is 31.

If her marriage breaks up over this she will know that this man wasn't the right one for her (as he could not understand or accept why she wanted to do this) anyway and she will still have time to have kids with someone else.

Are they offering accommodation or a package for relocation?

A lot of that 50k will be swallowed up by living costs otherwise.

It sounds like a great opportunity. I would also be wondering about DH's expectations re childcare if he is against this temporary move. Amsterdam is easy to access from the UK.

God. Never choose a man that doesn't support you and doesn't think you have a strong marriage over your own achievements and success.

This.

London to Amsterdam is a really easy weekly commute. Go for it.

Do it! Once you have children everything is more difficult to manage, its only a year and Amsterdam is only a v short flight, you could see each other every week if you wanted to.
Will they chuck in travel for him? Will you have an apartment rather than an hotel?
ETA DH worked away loads before and after we were married (UK but more than an.hour away) it was fine, but you both need to be on board with it.

I’d do it:

• you’re still young, you can wait another year before trying for a baby
• it’s only a year
• it’s not that far, I’d plan to come home every weekend.

Whether or not it damages your marriage, no one can know, it might just be as damaging to not go because you might resent DH for it.

Speaking as someone who has moved to a few different countries with their dh, I’d honestly go for it op! It can be a good idea to be flexible and run with whatever opportunities life presents you with as a matter of principle and before you have dc as it is a lot harder to up sticks then. Tbh this is a non-issue in my mind.

A year is nothing, and I agree with pp that being newly married is a good time to do this! You could argue that it’s the best time to do it!

Why ever would it not be? That’s a strange thing for your dh to say? Can he explain further? Is he thinking of his own convenience and home comforts?

I find your dh’s position rather surprising, inflexible, and a bit selfish tbh. Yes, the decision affects you as a couple, but he should be proud of you and supportive. He could choose to look upon this situation as a great opportunity to explore a city and culture he doesn’t know. You could have some great weekends and holidays together. A year goes by in no time!

I would go back to your office and ask more concrete details about the package, especially about accommodation which is difficult to find in Amsterdam. What about travel costs etc? Any benefits for spouses?

Then take your dh out for a long lunch and ask him to re-consider and lay out all of the pros and cons. Tell him that you really want to go for it and it would be nice to have his blessing and support.

Ultimately though, harsh though it sounds, you do not need his permission to go op.

I did this when I was young (not Amsterdam though).

It is a good opportunity and I would go - ensure you build in the time and budget for regular trips home or for him to visit you.

You will still continue to accrue annual leave, so some of those weekends could be long weekends where you catch the train together to explore other parts of Europe.

And as for starting a family, it might not happen straight away. I guess you could put off conceiving for a few months at the start of the contract if you wanted to avoid having a baby during the year in Amsterdam, but otherwise you could carry on as normal if that’s your priority. Make sure you check out the arrangements for healthcare as it has changed since I did it. Your company might be able to advise.

Do it. If he’d been offered this opportunity would he take it? And what would your response be?

You can see each other every 2-3 weeks (I used to know someone who flew home every weekend though both airports were nearby so it was a relatively easy commute). You’ll have annual leave, there may be long weekends you can work from home, and you can start trying for a baby in 6 months. Even if you get pregnant straight away you’ll have time to finish the assignment before the baby arrives. If you continue being paid at the new rate that’s an extra £50k a year every year minimum - or roughly an extra million pounds (before tax) over the next 20 years. To me it’s a no brainer.

If he thinks your marriage is too fragile to withstand it then maybe the marriage isn’t as strong as you think.

The main cause of the glass ceiling for women is exactly this choice. If the boot was on the other foot do you think your DH wouldn't jump at it? Amsterdam is close by - you can take long weekends together all year and if you wfh then that's even more opportunity to have time together. Work it out, what would a typical week look like if you flexed annual leave and wfh opportunities? I bet it's workable.

Working overseas provides huge insight into other cultures and that is an important aspect of personal growth let alone the growth you'll achieve in taking on a bigger role.

I would strongly recommend you take the opportunity, you will not be able to do this once you have children.

Oh my god, do it, now, when you’re young, before children. It could give you a permanent raise for the rest of your career. I wish I had more opportunity to live abroad - once children come, it’s so much harder. Sounds like a fantastic opportunity!

This is a really good point!

I would divorce my DH if he did this, I didn’t sign up for a long distance marriage.

Do it, if the situation was reversed, he would go.

You've said that his first reaction was that he wasn't keen and worried about the long distance. I don't think that's an unreasonable initial feeling and maybe he just needs time and reassurance to come around to the idea. I would focus on how you could both make it work together for such an amazing opportunity for you. Please don't let it slip away from you if it is what you want.

What are the possibilities of him being able to work remotely, at least some of the time? Or changing jobs himself?

Take the job. A year is nothing. Your husband is being selfish. How incredible to be offered this at your age. You're a real high flyer! Don't let any man hold you back.

I cannot imagine a man being held back the other way around.

If you stay and start a family, you may never progress beyond your current level. Obviously that's ok but unfulfilled potential because of someone else holding you back might cause resentment.

What fun you could have with your husband visiting regularly in a great city, before children... Sounds wonderful.

Even if you go for a year and come back for a year and start trying at 32/33 you have plenty of time.