DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Would he be thinking this were the boot on the other foot? It’s Amsterdam, not Beijing.

But op has already ruled out him taking such an opportunity in the future, so if she has her way then the boot won’t ever be on the other foot.

And he has already made changes for the sake of their relationship, including giving up a successful job to move countries to live with OP, so he’s not totally selfish, is he?

@jacks11 Oh I agree that they need to discuss it further and tbh, I think that seeing each other every other weekend would be fine, no need for three times a month. They can spend their leave together, of course, and it'll fly by.

Re. Future opportunities (for either of them) abroad. As soon as they have a child, everything will change anyway, because they'll need to put their child's needs first. So if they start a family in a couple of years, it's unlikely that her DH could easily take a job abroad. Plus, he might not even want to.

My DH was offered a short-term opportunity in London last year (we're in the US) and I encouraged him to take it if he wanted to - I'd stay here with DD/DS as they're at university/school and we'd visit during holidays. He wouldn't take it! Pre-children, he definitely would have, but now his children are more important to him. 😍

if they have children, they could temporarily relocate- especially when they are young- if he were to have an opportunity which could lead to significant long-term benefits for their family. It’s perfectly possible, but op has said no. I think lack of flexibility and being a bit selfish is unfair and potentially problematic for their relationship.

Could you commute from London? I know people who do it. Not easy but doable. WFH fri and mon so fly in to Schiphol on Mon night or Tue am and back to London Thursday night.

Yeah. I get that but it’s just 12 months. It’s just everybody talks about this great sacrifice he made but one of them would have to.

It’s not mentioned in your post so I haven’t made up that you omitted it.

Well one of them was going to have to move. Her to Paris or him to London or a new country all together? So does that mean whichever one did not move the other is automatically selfish?

No, its the leaving to live abroad for the year after the other party was the one to upend their life that's selfish.

Just stay put, OP, such opportunities are for young single men/women
@Mlouisede

He's manipulating you and holding you back in your career. If you want the promotion, take it, otherwise you will resent him when he jumps at his chance of promotion.

presume you’ve not read all of the OPs posts…

Since reading the updates I can see both sides of this.

One thing I see that would annoy me is in the logistics of how you would handle time together you aren’t doing the majority of the travelling to see him. He has to be the one travelling to see you and also in every 4 weeks you have already said you won’t be able to do one of the weekends because something might come up.

There is also no discernible goal for when this year ends and you get your promotion with another £100,000 salary increase

Apart from you earning much more money which is obviously a good thing overall and you will be getting better maternity provisions and your bank balance will increase.

Everything is about what this means for you

I actually can understand where he is coming from
You are returning to your homeland and I think that adds to his fear that you could end up staying.
Whilst you say that wouldn’t be the case, circumstances and feelings can change

Personally I would still go because this would set you both up for the rest of your life. But I would also be doing much more of the travelling back and forth to London.
Even coming home mid week (booking airlines in advance and timings could make it a very short 2.5 hours commute each way) to spend the evening and night together mid week.

Do you own your place in London or are you in rented.
If the latter again I can see how that is adding to the misgivings he has about you going and not returning

Maybe see a mortgage advisor about what you could get a mortgage for after this year and with the extra money from the promotion and savings and equity in the property you are in (if you own). Your joint goal could be an amazing house in an amazing area.

I think you have to get him invested about what this will mean for him. What he can plan on and be very attentive and doing an equal or more of the share of travelling during the year and giving him a stake in the future because of this
He has blown up his life and moved countries because you didn’t want the long distance relationship only to find you going away again.

Amsterdam is not that far and what this sacrifice on both your parts will bring will be amazing but only if you can show him and yourself a tangible goal to work towards.

I think you need to have something that is going to alter both of your lives for the better

I don't understand why you're reframing my statement as a question. Do you have an actual question?

@SatansScrotum

people deprioritising their partner in such a way is why there are so many divorces. Women need to remember that kids grow up and move on, and a lot of women then end up bereft and lonely because they haven’t invested in their partner, friendships etc as well as their kids

Tbh I wouldn't want a marriage when my partner put me before our kids. They are our joint priority at this age and stage.

It's also interesting your whole reply is all about hiw women need to remember... funny you don't say people. I'm sure that's just because men never seem to need to be reminded to do anything.

Except I've seen many threads over the years where men just assume someone is walking the dog or buying ingredients for food or going back part time as a low earner or buying their mum a card or even being surprised what "they" have bought and planned for the kids for birthdays and Christmas.

But please, tell me more about how women need to remember to prioritise the men in their lives (the same way the men put themselves first). Because funnily enough, when you both prioritise the same stuff at the right stages, things seem to work out.

@SatansScrotum DH and I have joked about whom we'd rescue in the event of a disaster...and of course, we've both said our children! If we could then rescue our spouse, we would, but our children are the priority. I think that's perfectly normal tbh, it would concern me if my partner didn't think this way.

It doesn't mean that we don't value each other and spend quality time together.

Sure, but to address any risk of the thread being derailed by other posters tagging me to challenge a simple statement I made, literally all I said was that my child comes first, always. Exactly as you have. And tbh I'm pissed off that another poster, probably a sulky bloke, is trying to make out like I don't prioritise my husband at all and in such a way that you feel the need to also get drawn in to telling me i can still love my husband and my kids, purely because they've twisted my point.

All i actually said was that there is no point at which DH is a close second. Its the same point youve made: if a building was on fire, I'd pick dc every single time without hesitation - as would any good parent. That doesn't mean I don't love him or prioritise him. It simply means I wouldn't um and ah if there was a difficult decision to be made.

I dont like that the other poster has implied I dont value dh. That's simply not true.

What a load of 1950s shit!

It’s a year, which is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I genuinely think that this is such a great opportunity that it will become a big regret if you don’t do this.

I think that is the way to look at it - how will you feel if you don't take it? Will you feel resentment and regret? Because that is a relationship killer