DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Amsterdam is so nearby, the extra salary bump is not to be sniffed at and you still have plenty of time to try for children. I would do this in a heartbeat. The early stages of marriage is exactly when you should be doing it - you are both still hugely loved up and committed to making it work.

From your first message I’d have said definitely go for it. A year isn’t a long time, would be harder to do it with kids etc. you could both easily balance annual leave to make long weekend visits viable. Eg he uses a day of leave every month to take a Friday off to travel over Thursday evening and then have Friday do Sunday and you do similar.

Your update adds a bit of complication for me but not something that can’t be worked through. If you are Dutch, would you want to settle back home in the Netherlands? Is that perhaps what he is more worried about? Where was he from originally and are visas an issue?

Is he inadvertently showing who he expects to make any career sacrifices for parenthood?

This would also be a question I’d be asking myself. Start as you mean to go on.

Your update does change things.

He moved his entire life for you because you didn’t want to do long distance…but now you want to do long distance because it will benefit you.

This would tell me a lot about the type of man I was with if all of the decisions was for their own benefit and I was expected to fit into their life and put my happiness second.

There have been multiple threads about men getting opportunities like this and the majority always say that it would not be a good idea.

I am not married for this very reason - I would not think twice about grabbing such an opportunity.
This is probably also your last chance if your planning to start a family.

When were you hoping to TTC?

If I was him it wouldn’t be the long distance thing, it would be the fact that yet again your wants/happiness trumps his.

Do it!!

It sounds interesting. Amsterdam isn't that far and easy to travel. Pop back for weekends and he can come see you?
The length of your marriage isn't actually an issue here, it's if you guys are willing to work at it. He shouldn't really make that a thing.

Imo, I understand him not wanting you to go but he should support you if you do want to go. It is one year - a year goes by really really fast.

Edited, read your update, apologies. Ah, if he doesn't have friends and family in London then yes, makes a difference. His year may be lonely.

When did he move to London for you? That makes a difference.

Does the assignment come with accommodation? If not that £50k is just going to be eaten up on rent and travel back and forth.

I would do it its one year, will help your career and Amsterdam is easy to reach. You could do long weekends together etc

You will be in a better financial place if you do go to have kids

I think for the future prospects you should go. You wouldn’t be delaying TTC for that long.

So to the posters who are pro moving to Amsterdam for a year would you be happy if your DP did this after they asked you to move continents to be with you?

Go for it! It sounds like an amazing career opportunity. Amsterdam is less than an hour away on the plane so it’s relatively close by for a “long distance” relationship. Your husband should be very proud of you - selected to head up the new branch shows the company clearly trusts you and think highly of your capabilities.
if you turn it down, you’re potentially turning down the bigger role back in the UK a year on from now!

I would go in an instant. I used to be criticised for pursuing my career by my ex husband, ALL the time. I got so much criticism about how I was “neglecting” my children. I am now in a very senior role, happily remarried with someone who supports me in everything and most importantly, my three boys are wonderful.

There are far too few women who make it to the c suite because most people try to hold back. No one would ever hold a man back for being successful. (Sorry, this is something I clearly feel strongly about 😹😹😹).

Well done on your achievement and I’m sure you will make the right decision for you and your husband should be v v v proud of you 🏅🏅🏅

What a selfish stance he has taken.
Never give up a career chance for a man. You will regret it forever and he will always expect you and your career to take a back seat to him and his. Don't set this precedent now.
Take the job!!

Sounds like he's had plenty of opportunities to live and work abroad, then chose to come back to London to do the same - plus you. This is now your chance to live and work abroad for a year, and it's not across an ocean. Amsterdam is not far time-wise. You can come back often ... and it will make a massive difference in your career.

I hope he can find a way to support you in this. You don't have children (yet). This is the time to do it if you're going to do it.

It’s a year though, not a permanent or long term situation.

Do either of you have any ability to WFH? If so, this could increase the amount of time you can spend together.

It's one year. You MUST be able to cobble together a working plan for this to maximise your time together while enhancing your career.

Do it. He should be your champion.

Come on girls, do better! He literally shifted his career to London for me because I didn't want long distance.

And many comments are calling him selfish, or saying it's a test for the marriage? I don't think it's a test for the marriage it's more about logistics and not wanting to change our routine

90% of the comments are pointing towards ending the marriage, which isn't helpful at all. I only posted to get neutral opinions. And as some men pointed out, if the genders were reversed, the opinions would be very different. I felt that too

@Mlouisede if not now love, when? You can set yourself up at a whole other level of salary and responsibilities before having kids so if you decide to have a family, you have way more wiggle room to negotiate a package and set up that works for you

have kids now and put this promotion off and you’ll never get it again, either because you won’t go for it, or you won’t get offered it.

go for it, it’s 12m. A £50k rise buys an awful lot of train/air travel.

what’s the package like otherwise? Will you have accommodation paid for, or do you have a place there already?

He moved countries because OP didn’t want a long distance relationship anymore.

But now she’s the one that wants to do it long distance.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as him being selfish.

You are being offered a terrific opportunity! You should absolutely take it. In the grand scheme of life, one year is not long.

Absolutely do this, before you have children is the best time for this kind of thing, and it will do wonders for your career.

How many children do you want? Would you be ok if it turns out you can't have kids? I'd think carefully about that aspect before making a decision.

If you started trying to conceive now and it didn't work, you normally have to keep trying for 2 years before being eligible for IVF. That can then take another several years before it's successful. So you could be mid/late thirties before having your first child.

Not the end of the world of course, but maybe not ideal if wanting a bigger family.

I would see this as a great opportunity for your career, to build up some more money before you start a family (if that's the plan). As others have said, you can see each other a lot. My dad used to work in Brussels when I was a teenager and we and our mum could see him easily, or he could come here.

Don't go then 🤷🏼‍♂️
But don't ever EVER moan about missed opportunities.
There you go. Problem solved.

Have you worked out the logistics of how often you’d see each other?
This would make my decision.

How long will it delay you TTC?
I’m guessing it’s not as straightforward as delaying it for a year if when you come back you’ll be starting a new job etc.