DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Agree 100& that if your marriage is unable to handle 12 months of living separately, but still within weekend visit distance, then it would certainly not stand up to the trials of parenthood...

You can alternate weekend visits and actually have more quality time together as you wouldn't be focussed on cleaning/laundry/shopping etc at the weekends? You'd be prioritising spending quality time with each other instead.

I wonder whether he thinks he'd 'suffer' by having to do his own 'life' chores while you're away?

Tbh, if you don't take this opportunity now, you'll always think 'what if...', and you'll definitely be in a much better financial position to start a family after returning in a years time, not to mention the benefit of better pension etc longer term.

It's sad, but it's highly unlikely that you'd ever be offered something like this again after you're a Mother, so this really is your only opportunity? (Whereas your H could be offered something like this any time in his career)

I’ve done this twice. The first time, the long-term relationship didn’t survive, but it was a relationship that wasn’t right and would have ended anyway. The second time, we
spoke about it, he supported me, we had clear plans for spending time together, and the relationship is still going strong.

In theory, you will just be missing the boring day-to-day together. The coming home from work, the sorting dinner, the going out to the gym or with friends separately, the vegging on the sofa. None of that needs to be couple activity.

In your shoes, I’d want to understand what’s really behind his reluctance. Is he a bit envious? Is he lazy at home and doesn’t want to look after himself? Is he worried you’ll want a different kind of life than he does?

Yes, marriage is compromise. But one year in, when you’re in your early thirties and with no responsibilities, I think it’s unfair of him to pooh pooh this opportunity for you because he doesn’t like the thought of it.

Ultimately, if either of you can see this being a marriage-ender, the marriage isn’t going to be a long and happy one anyway. So you take the opportunity and risk hastening the demise, or you stay and it happens in slower time, perhaps after kids, when you realise you’re very different people and he doesn’t truly support you.

I worked in Amsterdam for nearly 3 years. The flights are so quick and so regular it just becomes routine. I knew exactly where to park at Gatwick to get to departures quickly, I got it down to a fine art. It was quicker and easier than working in Leeds and living in London which I did for a short while too.

I think the career progression is the most important part. It's only a year. It's a lot more money.

I guess you could put off conceiving for a few months at the start of the contract if you wanted to avoid having a baby during the year in Amsterdam

In all honesty, I’d be trying as hard as I could to have the baby in Amsterdam and avoid the NHS 😄

Would he turn down the oppertunity if he had it?

Doubt it.

Do it.

Any man who won’t support your career isn’t worth it. You’ll take a hit on maternity leave that can be hard to recover from. You have the opportunity to really solidify your place before having kids - which in my experience paid dividends when kids came along both in terms of salary but also flexibility because I had proved my worth.

I’d speak to him again, negotiate with your employer about living costs so that your pay rise isn’t swallowed up by additional costs, but go and do it. A man literally wouldn’t think twice.

A year goes by surprisingly fast, I’d go for it.

My god do it for absolute sure. I had a similar opportunity then got pregnant (with extreme morning sickness) so it didn’t happen and I very much wish I had been able to do it

100% go

Definitely do it BC! Depending on where you live, Amsterdam is very convenient, jokingly referred to as the 6th (or whatever) London airport, you would easily be able to get back for weekends or OH could go to Amsterdam.

Do it now, before you have children.

i don’t want to scare you but the mummy track is real. I have never recovered my career from having kids, and have had to become self employed to survive at all. Obviously in some sectors there is more protection eg civil service, but I would advise you to take every opportunity you can at this stage.

Amsterdam isn’t far - you can presumably see each other every weekend as perhaps once in the week every fortnight? Does he have any wfh flex? Will you? If so, you could have long weekends at each other’s places?

I too worked in Edinburgh and Glasgow (two offices for same organisation) for over 2 years, commuting every week from the London area and working from home every Friday, so in effect I was only away for 3 nights each week. It worked fine, both in terms of work and the relationship. A key part of the deal was that the company paid for an apartment for the duration of the posting and some weekends my partner travelled up to me instead of me flying home.

I used to fly to Scotland from Luton every Monday morning and back on Thursday afternoons - it would have made little difference if instead I had been flying to Amsterdam, Hamburg or Dublin.

Honestly, being away for 3 nights was little different to commuting into London every day - I wouldn't have seen much more of my partner doing that as I'd be out of the door every morning at 07.00 and not home until 18.30 at the very earliest, knackered, tetchy and sweaty after the hell of an hour on the train. In terms of my own commute in Scotland, if I was working in the Glasgow office I could lie in until 08.00 and still be in the office by 9 o'clock as the walk took all of 10 minutes.

I would go in a heartbeat. If you don't accept it could have a detrimental affect on your career and you might get sidelined in the future,
It's Amsterdam - not Australia. You can see each other regularly and it's only a year.
It's better to build your career prior to kids as doing it afterwards can be very difficult.
Get that head start - It's only a year.

Actually, there's some context I need to add. I dated my husband for 8 years, and I've known him for almost 21 years. He was my best friend, and that eventually turned into a relationship.

We did long distance before getting married I was in London (I'm Dutch), and he was in NYC and then Paris. I was the one who asked him to move to London, and he did. Now I'm again moveing to another country for a year

Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is. This should be a mutual decision too it's not like I can just do whatever I want whenever I feel like it. That's not how this works.

If you live anywhere near a budget airline airport, you could come home every weekend (or him visit you). My daughter's ex had an easyJet commute every Friday and Sunday/early Monday.

Can you negotiate finishing on Friday lunchtime or starting Mon lunchtime (or a WFH day) to help that work?

If you don't do it now, before children, you'll probably never have the chance again. Also if you live in the London area you can get Eurostar home every weekend.

I guarantee if he'd been offered the position he'd have told you he was going and not discussed whether or not he should accept.

Do not waste this opportunity. A marriage worth having can survive a few missed weeks together. He's essentially telling you he only expects the marriage to last if you do what he wants.

This

And he can’t just tell you not to do something if it’s something you want. We’ll take the abroad experience out of it as you’re Dutch so I guess that’s not every exciting, but it sounds like this role will progress your career? Your DH should want that for you? Long distance for a year is not that big of a deal, my DH is military, we don’t see each other for months and months at a time, I support him as it’s what he loves doing and he supports me in my aspirations. That’s how it works.

If she loses her marriage over this then it’s absolutely not a marriage you’d want to being children into

If my partner was offered this opportunity I would also be hesitant about supporting it - it would feel like too much outside of my control unless we were both committed to opportunities abroad. So, I can't unilaterally declare him unreasonable.

If you weren't married I'd say jump in with both feet. This is an incredible opportunity and you shouldn't pass it up for a man, you'll regret it if you do.

Being married means you need to make joint decisions but I also weigh up how often women's careers stall when they marry and have children. We still sacrifice our futures for marital harmony when many men will apply and accept such a position without so much as checking in.

I don't know what your husband is like, but I do think you should be able to grab this opportunities with both hands. Before you it up, assess how willing he is to compromise and discuss this opportunity in full. Whether he'll consider moving and building a life with you out there.

If its a flat no, and he won't even explore the opportunities then I'd suggest you take it and work out your marriage as you go.

If he's willing to at least seriously explore this, then you need to give equal weight to his reservations.

But I really hope you accept the job

I guarantee if he'd been offered the position he'd have told you he was going and not discussed whether or not he should accept.

So you know this man?
Don't be ridiculous ridiculous. I don't know a single male friend or colleague who would act that way. You can't guarantee a thing

What? Each to their own of course but I cannot imagine any reasons strong enough to justify this attitude.

First of all it’s a year, not a permanent move. Second, the promotion will benefit both of them. Third, if a marriage can’t survive a 12-month posting when the couple are young with no dc, there is something wrong with it already imho.

Marriage doesn’t mean living in each other’s pockets and having to be together every evening and every weekend necessarily. Especially pre-dc.

What marriage means is not just thinking of your own needs.

Actually yes good point- what’s the full package OP? I had assumed if it was a year’s secondment that housing would be included, if not then you might be at best neutral or worse out of pocket for doing it. If that’s the case renegotiate with your company for more money. I wouldn’t just upend my life for the ‘experience’ it needs to pay now, not just potentially in the long term. But assuming financially it does work out then go for it!

I would look at the full package that your company are offering. The salary increase is a lot but what's the cost of living in Amsterdam? How much is rent there not to live in a horrible place and or area? What are the costs of flights or Eurostar back to the UK?

I think that this is to good an opportunity for you to turn down career wise if you can keep most of the salary increase into savings. You and him travel regularly to each other and take your annual leave together. He goes to Amsterdam for this and you can both travel around Europe then.
It's only for a year. Then you come back to the UK with a better job.
You have money saved to take longer maternity leave than normal.
When you go back to work then put as much as possible into a pension and savings.

Another thing to consider is that if you get pregnant and have a baby in Amsterdam they will have an EU passport. In time they could go to an EU university for free or for just a few thousand a year and have no graduate loans to pay back.