DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

It’s only Amsterdam fgs. Not exactly Timbuktu I’d want to discuss more especially getting as many career bumps as you can before a baby.

alternate alternate visits. Take the train. Commit to one weekends rest where you both stay put. Schedule FaceTimes and holidays.

he could ask for some dedicated wfh days so he could work from where you are sometimes.

you could also try and wfh in uk as well sometimes?

Haven't read all the replies just OP.

Putting aside that he has already relocated I'd be wondering what your expectations are if/when you come back, be it a weekend or a few days midweek.

Your DH works too and as with anyone has a social life, how would you feel if you came home of a weekend and he has already planned to go out or an impromptu invite to go to the pub with his mates occurs, as in would you expect him to not go as you haven't seen him all week.

If I'd moved to Paris to be with DH and he then moved to Berlin for a year and offered to come back to Paris once a month, I'd be a bit resentful too.

OP, why could he not go with you, if the pay rise is so good?

Or could he take some unpaid leave during the year?

He seems to assume that 'earning even more' will just happen automatically.

He won't necessarily be grateful if you don't take it.

And if he wants the third child, you're right - it will have to be paid for.

Don't be like my generation who tried to 'be fair' and 'do the right thing', only to find that they ended up being doormats and 'women who loved too much'. There is no cosmic justice, no pat on the head from either a deity or a spouse or indeed children for being a 'good girl'.

I mean if he then gets the opportunity to move you shouldn’t say no.

marriage is give and take. Put a hard out on the year with no compromise. Take the train not the plane as it will make you less tired unless you commute via city airport.

you should do the bulk of the travel obviously. If you want to do 3 weekends a month.

It’s honestly depends where you travel from if you go via city. You can get there 1hr - 50mins before and just work and get a coffee.

schipol is an arse ache though.

I would seenif you and find a way of making it work. Think of it as an investment into your married future as the money and position would be good for ur impending family

I lean toward "you're only young once" and therefore YANBU. As you touch upon, you may well not have this opportunity again, especially if you plan to have a family.

It is wise to climb as high up on the career ladder as you can before starting a family - once you have kids, you may find that your progress slows. Unfortunately, no matter how equitable the relationship, women tend to end up doing more of the childcare when the kids are young, and those few years are likely to cost you professionally. I speak from experience!

You would be mad to turn down this opportunity !

Opportunities occur rarely

Amsterdam is a fantastic city

It is only for 1 year

You could save for your maternity, holidays, family future

Do not turn this down

I do get the point about moving…but one of them was going to have to move eventually if their plan was to be together.

Given her follow-up it seems clear she means deep into their marriage when kids have arrived.

I think this opportunity with kids is a very different premise to without children.

Yes, but now he's moved to be with her, she wants to bugger off on her own!

Take every opportunity you are offered.
Once you have children, this will be far more difficult to manage.

You can come home at weekends from Amsterdam.

What a dilemma. Personally I wouldn't go. If you are happy together, earn enough and want to start a family, at your age I wouldn't take the risk. If I were single, of course. But I would focus on family now. What if you go and it causes resentment, or you end up staying, or something else? I woukd say the same to the man. If you want three kids and are already 31, I wouldn't delay too long. There are lots of advantages to not being older parents.

No I didn’t.

You’ve literally just made that up.

She could, but OPs plan is to only come home once a month and get him to travel twice!

For what it’s worth, I think this could work if it were strictly for a year - but I can see why her husband is miffed. I’d also only do one trip each per month (so see each other every other week) to avoid burnout.

That's fine, but then why get married and plan to have a baby? If you want to prioritise your career, why enter into a marriage where your partner should also be a priority?

Well said. Don’t understand all these posters getting carried away with their own stories, not seeing the difference of circumstances or context.

She is from Holland so I am sure she knows if it’s an amazing city to live. She made her now dh to move to London for her. If anyone is selfish here, it’s not the husband.

Absolutely do it. Amsterdam isn’t exactly tricky for him to get to at the weekend (or vice versa). It’s a career making opportunity.

@Redpaisley Longterm, however, it could put them in a great financial position. An extra £50k net with her accommodation and travel costs paid for is a big chunk of change. Plus, a bigger role when she returns to London.

I suppose I'm saying this as I've been married for over 25 years and experienced how quickly the years fly by. 12 months is nothing in the grand scheme, but it could make a big financial difference to their family.

Do it now before children. It’s not even that far.

'focus on family now' - but they haven't been born yet.

The career-building stage is so, so short.

If he can't cope with this, then it's not a great sign of staying power for when things get truly difficult.

Excellent career opportunities are getting rarer, and the distance between senior levels and 'middle' levels increasing.

In my early 30s I thought good (well, reasonable) men were rare, while good jobs would be widely-available. 20 years on, things look rather different!

Yes, I think the job is a great opportunity and I think she probably should take it… but given her DH isn’t totally in board I think they need to discuss it further - and frankly, given he’s already made quite a lot of changes for the sake if their relationship, because OP asked him to as she didn’t want to do long distance- I can see where he is coming from. I think OP should also be a little more self-aware and realise that she needs to put as least as much effort as she wants him to do into maintaining the relationship (her plan is they’ll meet up 3 times a month, but he has to do 2/3rds of the travelling for some reason). And she she also needs to be prepared to have some flexibility/keep an open mind if he gets a similarly great offer which could make an equally big financial difference to their family…. Oh wait, she already categorically ruled out doing that in the future.

I think this does sound pretty self-centred, if I’m honest.

A man posting the same- deciding to take a promotion with a year abroad (even with a significant longer term pay-off) against his wife’s wishes, suggesting she do most of the leg-work when it comes to travelling at weekends and then categorically ruling out any possibility of supporting him to do the same if a similar opportunity came up in the future; and all on background of having relatively recently asked his wife to give up a successful job to move countries to be with him as he didn’t want to have a long-distance relationship anymore. Well, I imagine he’d have his arse handed to him and called selfish, misogynistic and so on.

i’m not saying she shouldn’t take the job, I’m saying she needs to be a little more thoughtful about how to make it work and more open to compromise when it comes to any future opportunities her husband may get.