DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Never let a man hold you back from what you want to do. You’re married, that doesn’t mean he owns you. If you turn this down you might as well stamp doormat on your forehead and be prepared to be one forever.

If it was him with the job offer he’d be telling you he was going, not asking whether he could.

Put yourself first, OP, and pay attention to that little orange waving flag that suggests your new husband isn’t entirely supportive.

The only thing I would say is check fertility levels as my SIL at 30 and DB (9 years older) had issues (was DB’s issue) and they had to have IVF. But go for it.

Did he give up a career opportunity in Paris to move to London at your request? If so, I can see why you now moving away is a difficult ask. That doesn't mean you should just accept it and give up on the opportunity.

You would be mad not to do it. It’s only a year, Amsterdam is not that far, you don’t have kids yet, it will bump up your salary forever (either in this company or another given the experience you will gain) and it sounds like it would be professionally fulfilling.

If your marriage can’t weather something so straightforwardly good for you and your (future) family with so little downside, then it doesn’t bode well for how it will cope when genuinely difficult things happen and more difficult decisions need to be made.

I’d be wondering if your DH is worried about you out performing/earning him. Which would not be a DH I’d want to be with. He should be proud of you and supporting you to fulfil your potential.

I have given this a great deal of thought to this over the years. My DH did work away a lot (long haul every 6 weeks or so ) and it was a massive strain on the marriage.
Travelling home every week or the suggestions of having a baby in Amsterdam to avoid the NHS haven’t been fully thought through.
I would think different if the OP wasn’t married but she is.

Oh and they have delicious chocolate sprinkles you eat on bread (hagelslag) when my stepdad went to Holland a lot he always brought these back for us as kids/teens. They sell Biotex over there too! Plus you could travel to other countries easily from there. My grandad (half German/half English French) lived and worked in Amsterdam and Rotterdam when he was young in 1920s.

@Mlouisede it's a great opportunity - take it. Relationships change over time. It may seem like because you asked him to move to London you do not feel you can do take this promotion but your DH has agency. He did not have to move. He could have insisted you join him instead. If he moved, it was because it was better choice for him or a better choice for you both as a couple.

But the main point i want to make is, no one knows tomorrow. In some years, it may be you having to make sacrifices to support his career advancement. Now, it is your turn to advance. Marriage is a partnership. Sometimes one person is giving 30% the other 70% and at other times it switches.

If he does not think your marriage can survive this one year of you in Amsterdam then.... the decades of friendship/knowing each other was wrong to end in marriage.

The sun is shinning NOW for you, make hay.

Ah. Well that’s quite a big drip feed op! Why would you not mention this from the outset?

It does make a huge difference because your dh has already moved countries for you.

There Isn’t a right or wrong answer to this, except to say at some point, when you have dc, you have to decide on a fixed spot where both of you are prepared to stay for a while, especially once they start school. I guess up to that point things are not so rigid but I can understand your dh’s perspective. But you have tolerated him being in two different countries too.

I don’t think strangers on the internet can have any better insight in to this situation than you and your dh op tbh.

Do it, many reasons but the main one would be:

1. £50k uplift would pay for weekly flights home/him to visit you
2. Get as far on in your career before you take mat leave, it will improve your mat pay and give you the clout to come back after mat leave on your terms ie compressed hours/part time/working from home.
3. Experience somewhere else before you have children and have to consider the impact of such a move on them/their education

I say this as someone who had a number of international roles both single and once I was married, but before kids. I'm now approaching retirement and I'm so grateful to have had this opportunities and the memories they have given me.

Finally, as many others have said, what would have happened if the promotion had been his? Just keep an eye on this.

Asking him to move to London must be a big factor in his reluctance for you to take the job.

It’s no further than being in Edinburgh.
Another that says go.

Go for it!
I know plenty of people who do (or have done) Mon - Thurs in Amsterdam, Luxembourg, Brussels or Paris and then spend Friday working from home in the UK and then, once a month or so, their partner comes out & spends the weekend with them. They also have the odd weekend when they don’t see each other, either because they just need some time to recharge their batteries or because they’re meeting up with friends.
As one of you is always having to pay to travel, it’s also a really good opportunity to visit loads of European cities too. If your DH is flying out to A’dam for the weekend, then he could go to Paris instead and you jump on the train. It sounds like a great way to spend a year!
With regards to children, even if you got pregnant today you’d be able to do about 8 months of the role. The chances of conceiving immediately are limited so there’s nothing to stop you taking the role and TTC.

This actually strengthens your position, you both have international careers so another move/career opportunity should come as no surprise to him.

As you have already done long distance and survived it, I really don't see his problem. Go for it!

If you want to do it and it’s only him not being happy about it that is holding you back I would advise you go for it and try and make it work between you with frequent weekends together at home and in Amsterdam. It’s an amazing opportunity and a lovely place to be. It’s only a year and I think you would not only regret the lost opportunity but you are very likely to end up resenting him if you don’t go and that will be hugely damaging to your relationship as well as likely to your career! Best of luck OP.

This with bells on.
Might actually be a reason to take the opportunity and put this rationale into the pros column. If the marriage can't survive this, it sure as hell won't survive a baby.

@JLou08

its best to not have kids if a marriage is that fragile.

Fair enough! If you’ve tried it and it damaged your marriage then you do have good reason but many of us have done it and thrived.

My point about avoiding the NHS was partly facetious but now it turns out that the op is Dutch, it’s not that outrageous an idea!

@JLou08

Also having children is not the be all and end all for some women

Absolutely do it!

It's one year.

You can fly back every weekend. He can pop over every bank holiday.

Marriages don't last. Regrets do.

You’ll have to run two homes and travel to see each other so a chunk of the 50000 will be used on that .But it’s only for a year it’s worth it for your career and it will be fun

do it - there will probably room in your contract for you to get at least a couple of weekend visits, and to have your accommodation paid for over there.

It will set you up in a great position for your future career, especially if you decide at some point to have children.

Don't let him guilt-trip you into giving this up.

It's an hour on the plane to pretty much most of the UK, and flights probably cheaper than return tickets to London. Many of us pay far more for a regular UK commute. Do it.

Can he work remotely at all? He could come over to you as much as you return home. At that level I also assume you're getting a significant level of annual leave so there will be plenty of time to see each other.

You're newly weds. Each travel every other weekend, so one weekend him to Amsterdam. Next weekend you back home. Or 1 weekend him to Amsterdam. 2nd weekend, you back home. 3rd weekend apart.

Plus holidays. Either take them together and explore your temporary country. Or take different times and maximise the time you can spend in the UK while he works and he can come to Holland while you're at work. You could very well end up only having to spend 250 days in the year apart if you manage it well.