DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Will your firm/you be able to get flights home every weekend /fund him to visit you? Will you work from the uk office/home some weeks? If yes to both I think it’s fine to push to go ahead but if it’s weeks away at a time I’d be more hesitant. Flights are frequent and cheap from Amsterdam, there’s a train option plus to drive out is easy too, I’d be more hesitant if it was say New York

A year is such a short time though, really. As pp said, you could do it, take the career boosts, see each other nearly every weekend, and start TTC 6-9 months after the placement starts (with the expectation that even if you conceived first time, you’d be living back at home and in your new, boosted pay & benefits package by the time you needed to tell work).

I would also consider (from my position as someone whose eyes were rammed open to inequity and abuse within relationships, once my child came along) your own future security. If your husband is saying he can’t do long distance for a year even though you’ve already done it over a longer period and a greater distance, I would be asking why this time is so different for him, and wondering whether it’s because he’s used to prioritising his career and mentally sees yours as less important. Honestly, it’s a bit of a flag 🚩for me. I’d really consider whether there are other signs you haven’t noticed.

Oh wow, definitely go for it. 12 months is nothing and Amsterdam isn’t that far away especially from London. Do it now before you have children, you won’t get this chance again.

Well you did post a made up scenario knowing what the responces would be so why complain?

Do it! It's only a year, it's not far, you won't be able to take an opportunity like this after kids. I did something similar at a similar age (much less money though, hah) partner didn't love it but supported me and we made it work. Sometimes the non-easy option is worth it.

If she doesn't take it and ends up having kids and her career slides, she will always resent him and the marriage may not survive anyway.

Most women in the reverse situation would end up as trailing spouse as the man wouldn't think twice about how it affected his wife.

Honestly it has to be about what the OP wants and thinks is best in the long run. If that's in line with her DH, that's great. If it's not then the relationship was doomed from the start.

Did he take a 50k salary cut to move to London?

Yeah I’d defo go for it and start trying to conceive while over them (he can fly over during your fertile window) then you can come back to London on a higher salary maybe preggo or on the way with a higher salary.

Sounds ideal!

This is a time limited opportunity which would have lifelong benefits in the shape of increased income and lifetime earnings/wealth. I would roll my eyes a bit maybe, but would suck it up as it’s just for the year.

Ah. Massive drip feed there. I wonder if you wanted to be told “go for it, he’s an arse” so left this out.

hes already relocated internationally to be with you so his reluctance for you to take this and live apart again is understandable.

Congrats on the job offer and I think go for it! Amsterdam is so easy to get to so practically you can make it work. I think it’s normal for him to be not completely keen as he will miss you and his idea of what the next year would be like has now changed. Once he’s sat with it and digested how things could be, I’d expect him to move on and support you wholeheartedly. If he doesn’t and you get bad moods, guilt trips, being cold and huffy behaviour, that will tell you he is not a man to build a life with.

He’s used to prioritising his career? What about the bit where she asked him to move and he did?

I have done this exact same thing, albeit in different European capitals and for 18 months. It's a short amount of time, the experience you gain is enormous, the message it sends out to future employers is invaluable, it's great on your CV and it's a small adventure in negotiating your way in a different country. Your husband could travel out regularly and you'd both enjoy exploring the country together.

I say this as a parent of three (now almost adult) children. Take the job. It’s a fantastic opportunity and think long and hard about having children.

You haven’t said the type of job. If it’s a Mon-fri job I say go for it. But if either of you are hospitality or retail and struggle to get matching days off then less so. I would also start TTC halfway into the year so you are definitely committed to it being a short term thing and also I wouldn’t travel often for work when you have small children. It’s a great thing to do just before may leave to shoe yoy are serious about your career and put credit in the bank (metaphorically) to buy yourself leeway with mat leave and potential future flexible work requests.

If a marriage won't survive being a few hours travel apart, the potential to see each other frequently and to Facetime every day, then it isn't going to survive any real challenges - the least of those being children.

Regret going - do not regret not going. You will always wonder “what if”. Amsterdam has pretty good airplane links so easy enough to hop home.

This.
Get details, then sit down yourself and make a plan of how the year will look. This will make it more tangible for you both.

How can you spend both your holidays efficiently to maximise time together. Fun things you could do in Amsterdam.

Could you scatter you time off to do a 3/4 day weekend together every month?

Could you negotiate condensed hours so you can do a 4 day week or a work from home day (from the UK) frequently.

Maybe make plans together of what you could spend the additional money on. Fun stuff, expensive holidays etc.

Then longer term, what the additional money could be spent on. Dream holidays, bigger house, early retirement etc.

Present the plan to him, see what he says.

If he shuts it down dead then you have a problem. If he uses it as the start of a serious negotiation then you're in.

Does he realise how mucch better a position you'd be in to start a family after this? Work flexibility and pay wise?

have you sat together and looked at what time together you could actually have?

If the marriage is that fragile it’s probably best to know before having children which puts huge pressures on. @Mlouisede I was offered a similar opportunity at a similar time. My DH couldn’t have been any more supportive and we had a brilliant time when he came over visiting. Great memories now in the trenches with two under 3!

I would definitely go.

The only other thing I would mention for consideration as someone who got married at 34 is that I had fertility issues which I hadn’t expected at all (periods seemed normal etc) so it was a bit of a shock. Not saying you would be in the same boat but it was just something I hadn’t considered at all. Not saying it’s a determining factor but just something to perhaps look into.

No human gets to dictate your life full stop, yes i see your point that you were long distance but you cant turn down huge pay rise thats madness, he lives in london you could see each other twice a month or more depending on flight prices, if you are turning down a huge payrise to keep a man happy then hes not the man for you, you can still try for a baby, for now you come 1st and when the baby comes baby comes 1st , he doesnt come 1st you do

Well done OP. You’re getting the answers you want because your “context” isn’t in your first post so most people don’t read it

This would be my thought process too.

I think there’s more reason to regret not going then regret going.

Its a couple hours away and 12 months.

I think it would be quite easy to maintain a healthy relationship for 12 months.