Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Yes, I can see nothing wrong with doing this.

The OP's parents agree with me and the OP's husband said that he would not mind if her parents did the same.

So I am not the only person in the world to think that doing this is ok.

Well, that is your family.

All families are different as shown by the OP's in laws. Even her own husband said that he would have no issues if her parents did the same thing.

I would never let my children or their partners use my grandchildren to blackmail me. If they won't let me see them it is up to them.

I can’t reconcile these two comments.

So you see nothing wrong in leaving the in-laws out and if the in-laws objected and matched your mood by leaving you out you would just say ‘oh well, it’s up to them’?

No, it’s not ‘my family’. Did you not read it? It’s my family and my dhs family (his siblings all canceled on a dinner plan once that was just siblings and parents, it wasn’t fair on their partners with babies at home) and it’s everyone I know, a large number of people. And we’d all think you a total narcissist and hope your child sees the light, or if he goes along with it hope your dil escapes. Hope that helps.

Even her own husband said that he would have no issues if her parents did the same thing.

But that means exactly jack shit because it doesn't happen and isn't on the cards, anyone can say they'd be happy with a hypothetical reverse scenario that isn't going to happen when it suits them.

Personally I think it is the way this has been done that is hurtful, not the actually end result.. PIL telling them they are taking them on a "big family holiday", letting them think they are all invited, but when it comes to organising it BIL tells OPs DP that actually she isn't going to be part of it because PIL don't want her there??.. the fuck?? If that was the case, it should have been made clear that PIL want to take DP and the grandkids away and let them choose to attend based on that info.. as it stands they have agreed to a holiday which has now changed, my DH would be all over that like a rash on my behalf.

It is actually BIL and DP that don't want OP there, BIL because he is the one that is organising everything and he is the one that has said it and DP because he is insisting on going without clarifying anything on OPs behalf, at no point have PIL stated directly that op is not invited, why??

If I was OP I'd check with them directly before deciding ANYTHING, but then I'm not a wet blanket, if someone has got something to say I'd want to hear it from the horses mouth.

You have a partner problem. If he decides he's going on the holiday I would very firmly stop doing any things/favours you would do because they're family. "Sorry DP, I only wash my family's clothes", "Sorry DP I only cook for family" etc

It's incredibly childish but will get the point across

Her family by her partners definition now no longer includes him or her step child, it’s just her and her child. This would be a deal breaker in my marriage, luckily I’m entirely comfortable it would never happen.