Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

I'm a mother of adult children, grandmother and Mother In Law. There's a different atmosphere when it's 'just' your own children and not their partners and I love seeing my offspring (and theirs) on their own. But, as I also love all my DILs and SILs I would NEVER go off on holiday and leave them behind. I might go as far as a visit to a coffee shop without them, but that would be all. Because it's not about ME and how much I love my kids - it is also about my kids and how much they love their partners.

Wanting to exclude partners for a 'family' holiday does rather feel like wanting to be Queen Bee again.

I always think it’s good for each partner to spend time with their parents/siblings without the other partner there all of the time. The dynamics can be different when partners are there so it’s good for your partner to have time with his side of the family.
I think if this was a woman going on holiday with her parents and siblings with children it would get very different responses on here.

This is awful of your ILs but also your DP!

Not being family because you’re not blood is a terrible distinction to make when you are living with a child who isn’t related to you by blood. How will they explain this to DSS without drawing that comparison to his relationship to you? Surely they’ll be teaching him he is less important in your household because he isn’t related to both adults. This is not what makes a family. Your DP needs to have this conversation with his DP.

That's incredibly hurtful op, but I think the damage is done, would you even want to go now, as an afterthought.
I do think you have a dp problem, and he should have spoken to fil not just accepted his siblings take on the matter and he should have nipped this in the bud before you were even made aware of it.
I don't think I would stop my ds going, but I would definitly sign my Christmas card, lots of love from dp, dss, ds and the incubator 💐

How utterly ridiculous!! I could sort of understand if it was a large family and all had partners and they didn’t invite partners because of the cost (still wouldn’t agree that’s it’s right) but this is one person! In the grand scale of things the cost of one extra person is negligible!!
I really think you DP shoukd back you up and refuse to go!! He is enabling their poor behaviour!!

this is awful! You're the mother of one child and parent to the other. Really cruel unless there's a back story.

I think you'd like to believe that everything is great and you're a family, but you don't even trust one another enough to get married and share your finances. This extends further than just a family holiday issue, I feel. If my husband did that, I'd tell him not to bother coming back.

Normal behaviour is a partner taking your side 100%, all of the time and not allowing you to be excluded. He sounds more like a cocklodger.

This entire situation is bizarre and not normal. No way would I allow for these standards of treatment. Stand up for yourself and stop looking for justification of his behaviour by asking the 4% who say you're unfair. There is no justifying this.

I'd have realised by now that I'd booked the same dates to take DS away on my own..
And things would NEVER be the same between myself & the in-laws, & I'm not sure about DP either..

I am struck by the fact that the AIBU poll here is 96% in favour of the OPs hurt feelings being entirely reasonable while on a virtually identical poll involving a young step child and their inclusion/exclusion, it's currently 70% in favour of the mother querying her child's exclusion being unreasonable.

Why the disparity in attitudes?

(And are we participating in someone's anthropological/sociological study?)

Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare | Mumsnet

Thank you for clarifying why you're not married.

I think your DP should have stood up for you and insisted that you come. You say that he loves you, but this is not loving behaviour from him.

I think it's odd that there are other grandchildren, but none of his siblings have partners. They are an odd family and your DP is odd.

This is hurtful, I totally understand why you are upset.

viewing you as separate from ‘the family’ is divisive. And your partner doesn’t seem to mind enough to talk to his parents about it. There really is nothing you can do about that. That said the boundaries have been set. His parents, his responsibility. Works both ways. No expectation of demands on you as they age.

you could use the week and take a lovely holiday yourself/with friends/with your extended family. Plan something very lovely just for you ❤️

I wouldn’t stop him taking your DS.

You know where you stand now, the feelings of hurt will lessen. Dignity, silence and a fuck them approach going forward is the way to go. xx

I think it's odd that there are other grandchildren, but none of his siblings have partners.

After seeing your post I just re-read all of the OP's posts twice as I thought I must have missed this, but no, there are no other grandchildren other than the OP's DS and DSS.

I wouldn’t stop them going but I’d make it clear that I was hurt and not happy about it. I wouldn’t put on a brave face for them (the in laws, not the children).

I think you're trying too hard to see pils and your DH point of view here. What they are doing is unacceptable and very hurtful. You should be invited, not inviting you is just rude. The 'you're not family doesn't stack up' - it's just an excuse to exclude.
Your problem really is your DH. He needs to make it clear to them how unacceptable this is and that you either all go or none. That he would even consider allowing this is outrageous.
For context, my pils don't particularly like me (and I return the sentiment) but we get along as polite adults most of the time. They would try this kind of shit if they could I'm sure, but my DH isn't a spineless idiot and he wouldn't allow it. They know this.
Your DH needs to have your back. Letting his family treat you as an outsider isn't caring about you or his sons. It's letting them bully you.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but would your son wonder why you aren't there? And if he asks, what would the answer be?

They just want the original birth family to get together. I think you should accept this as a one-off - a family get together for the parents and their DC. As your partner’s siblings are single, it may be that his parents see all 3 as still more connected to their birth family than the families they’ve made.

And you’ve only been with your partner for 7 years, compared with the 20+ years your PiLs have had their DC.

Just be gracious about this.

Can you describe other areas of exclusion?
What happens at Christmas?dps birthday?
Dcs birthday?
Your dp doesn't sound vey dear...
We had a big family holiday.

My , dh , dd +bf not living together
Dd +bf plus dc..living with us
Ds without gf and a younger sibling.
Back away and never see them again. After all they aren't your family. Dp can buy every card and gift himself..

I think the problem is that you are the only partner.

We have 3 children who all have partners and 5 grandchildren.

I can see us inviting our 3 children and grandchildren and not the partners as it is much more expensive for food and drink even if the accommodation is the same cost.

Perhaps they are thinking that if they invite you this time then they would have to invite the partners of their other children in the future.

I am sure that you would not feel left out if your DPs siblings had long term partners.