Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Agreed.

DP needs to say 'dad, our Joey says this holiday excluded the woman I love, live with and mother to my kids, I don't understand '? And let the FIL explain their logic.

@cymruyespls I disagree that the OP should speak to the in-laws herself. Her DP needs to clarify the situation himself first by talking to his parents. And the fact is, while you maintain that "non" family members have been fine not being included in your blood family events, the OP is upset at being deliberately excluded from this holiday.

In your case there are multiple partners not going. In Ops case she is the only one excluded and she is entirely reasonable in feeling upset about that. BIL is younger and single and appears to be pushing the ' blood' family only idea. He is single and may never have had a significant relationship because he's still too young. So he doesn't get why that's hurtful to Op . When he's older he my well understand. Ops partner is in a committed relationship and needs to advocate for his partner in this situation and say that he's not comfortable coming if she isn't included. If he would rather be on holiday without her/ is too weak to speak up fir her then she has a DP problem

All of this, I’d totally withdraw and stop facilitating visits/doing anything for HIS family. How can not be family?! How can your dp not go mad at his relatives for this? I’d go bonkers if someone excluded my Dh.

I experienced something similar for my mother in law’s 80th. We were to get a professional photo done and spent some time planning the kids’ outfits etc. As the day came nearer I realised I and my sister in law, and brother in law were excluded from the family photo shoot as they wanted ‘just family’ ie my husband and his siblings. Like you I was incredibly hurt. The grandchildren wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for me and the other excluded people. Neither my husband or his siblings thought this was odd at all. They had the photo shoot and proudly showed me the professional photo. My husband and kids were in it and looked great. But I wasn’t there and it stung all over again. I did get over it of course and always had a good relationship with my mother in law but it certainly hurt. The interesting thing though is that only I thought it odd to be left out. To everyone else it made complete sense.

They ‘grew apart’! Can’t he see the parallels with the current situation?

Ask yourself honestly if you would do this in the future in your in-laws position? If not, you have radically different ideas of family.

May be worth having a calm conversation with other half about how he sees life panning out in future as you may not be on the same page. Does he expect your support with elder care/ visiting etc as in-laws age for example? They don’t see you as family so would seem inappropriate.

Could there be an ex wife element? Will she or in-laws see it as inflammatory if you go?

Or maybe they think if you are there you and DP might want to have some couple time leaving them to babysit? Either way it’s weird and YANBU OP.

I honestly think this would be my reaction too. I don’t think I’d be able to get past this.

I also think you need to ask DH how he is going to explain/justify mummy not being invited to your DS and DDS. "Mummy isn't part of the family" is going to be an interesting one.

It’s totally fine to want to do things with just your child and grandchildren without a partner there. But there’s a time and a place. A day out? Fine. A little weekend away? Yeah, probably ok. An entire holiday it’s not ok.

It’s obvious where DP gets his spinelessness from, given PIL have sent the younger brother out to be the bad guy.

I’d be hurt if I was the OP. I would still let my DC go. But it would be gloves off from there on in. Mother’s Day? Nope, that’s mine and they aren’t family. Birthdays? Not family so I don’t have to invite them or go see them. I’m sufficiently petty I’d be making other plans for all those times now. Christmas? Fuck right off, why would I want to spend Christmas with people who aren’t family. And I’d make your partner very, very aware that this is how it will be going forward. If they’re not your family, they’re acquaintances and you only need to treat them as such.

I have read some shocking things on this site, but this situation stands out as awful. If your DP goes and takes DS how will you ever forgive him, won't it taint the relationship.

Only family? So who are you? Bloody servant? Make major fuss and tell them they are mentally ill. Tell your dp he must be mentally ill to relay this shit to you. This is vile.

DGS and DGSS are not part of the original family unit either so that’s not the arrangement is it.
Additions to the original unit are acceptable, just not OP

It's really rude and I would be offended in your position. I absolutely accept my DC's partners are part of our 'family', even if they haven't always become life-partners. Some of them I haven't liked as much but still tried to welcome. After 7 years it must taint a lot of memories of events when you thought you were all getting along well, with mutual respect and admiration.

None of these things are the same as being deliberately excluded from a WHOLE FAMILY holiday though?

My husband and I do plenty of things separately but if his entire family planned a holiday and left only me out I’d be devastated.

If the other two siblings aren’t taking partners then I think it’s fair enough. I would relish the time alone.

I would wave them off gleefully.

Yanb I'd be really hurt. If they wanted a last family holiday just the siblings and grandchildren then they should have been upfront and said to you, we love you, we just want this last hurrah before x and x get partners/kids etc, next time we'll do a big holiday with everyone - then you'd know and understand. (But equally as mother of grandchild you should be treated as family)

Looking at it from other side, i guess once everyone gets partnered up its no longer just the little old family unit and that is sometimes nice? I had meet up with my parents and brother for something specific and we went for dinner- without our partners and kids and it was really nice - like old times.

OP has stated that the siblings don’t have partners.

Why should she gleefully wave her partner and young child off on a holiday that she is excluded from? Why?

Your 4 year old will not resent you 😕 for taking him away with you instead… and I think this is what you should threaten…

but your have a partner problem. you seem in this man’s thrall and have somehow developed a belief that only ‘blood’ matters - nonsense

his parents/siblings for whatever reason don’t see you as family. You can see from the responses on here that most people think that’s crazy but it wouldn’t matter if your partner had your back.

Why does he think this is okay?

It sounds as if he doesn’t see your little family as his family so where does that leave you … his housekeeper, nanny and sex worker I guess …

in your shoes i would be going nuclear…making it very clear that if this holiday goes ahead as planned your shared child will not be going and will never go anywhere overnight without you until he is a teen, you will refuse to attend any future events with the ILs (fuck them) and I would also tell him that you might have to reconsider any mothering you provide to your DSS seeing as he’s not actually your family (actually I probably wouldn’t do that last because why punish a child for his dad’s dickish behaviour - still it’s a point worth making if you want to show him why his parents are wrong)

The damage is done. No undoing this, you can’t possible go now, knowing you are not wanted. You may choose to swallow it whole and it reads as if you will try but it will choke you and resentment will build.
One member of that family decided to fracture what you had and they’ve played a blinder. DP doesn’t love you enough to accept your POV and that’s sad but this situation has shone light on the reality. Sorry OP 💐💔

It sounds as though BIL still see's himself as a child and he is happy to have a 'family' holiday with just 'his' family ?

Im sorry but if my husband agreed to this and left me behind because im not “family” he wouldn’t have a home to come back to!

This is how single dads holiday and I’d tell him that and if he goes then he is single because if I’m not family I will never ever host his family, invite them to my dcs birthday parties, Christmas or any other holidays nor go there again. A dinner with just the parents dh and his brother, sure. A dinner with just dh, his brother and your child? Nope. That’s my child. And a whole holiday? Fuck off forever.

First of all I thought it was outrageous, but then after reading your whole post I did vote that you were being unreasonable. The thing that swung it for me was that the other two siblings aren’t taking partners and they are only in their twenties. Still fairly young - so to keep the family dynamic, it’s easier if you stay home and your in-laws take their kids and grandkids on holiday.

Having you there will change the dynamic - another mother, another matriarch figure. Your in-laws are paying and they want to be head honchos for the holiday - that’s the impression I get anyway.

If the relationship was always a bit tense, I would think there is an underlying problem. But if you normally get on well I would just assume that they want one last holiday with just them and their kids and grand kids.

If were me I would be delighted to have the house to myself and know that my child was having the time of his life.

Yes it is! Fil and mil are partners