Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Anyone can do anything. But then you run the risk of your DIL or SIL rejecting you as family members.

Is that what you want? You don’t include them, and leave it all wide open for them to not include you?

But like I already said, anyone can do anything 🤷‍♀️.

Yes they do because some people enjoy being offended.

There is nothing wrong with what her in-laws are doing and I'm sure that it wouldn't be an issue if there was more than one partner.

I can't believe that people are encouraging the op to stop her 4-year-old from going or even threatening to break up the marriage if her husband does not speak to his parents and say that she has to come.

So many people on here just like drama.

Well, if the daughter-in-law or the son-in-law is the sort of person who would reject us just because of that then it is their problem not ours and there is nothing we can do about it.

You can't go around tiptoeing around people who take offence at things like this.

But you can (eg) have a holiday and not invite the in laws.

And the in laws can (eg) celebrate Christmas, birthdays etc and not invite you.

I don’t really see the difference tbh.

The OP is the only person being left out. If a family need to be so penny pinching that one more makes a difference as to whether or not they can afford it, then they shouldn't be going on holiday. I wouldn't dream of leaving out my children's partners and my children wouldn't dream of leaving behind a partner to sit on their own for a week.

I wouldn’t even leave out my sons girlfriend and they aren’t married, have no plans to marry, no kids, no guarantee they’ll still be together by Christmas, but now, today, she’s a part of our family!

Absolutely, you can do what you like. But actions have consequences.

Yes and so do the actions of the son-in-law and daughter-in-law.

It is not all one-way traffic.

Are you saying that you would not invite them on holiday because they left you out at Christmas or birthdays? Because that’s not where you went with your comment.

I haven't mentioned Christmas. I think you are referring to another poster.

This is truly horrible and you’ve every right to be hurt. But if you’re going to let your DS go anyway, why not go away yourself with some friends or do something really cool that you can’t do with kid in tow. Make the most of the free childcare even if it’s for all the wrong reasons? I’d be so hurt by this and actually even more hurt that my DP didn’t stand up for me in this.

I asked you this…

But you can (eg) have a holiday and not invite the in laws.
And the in laws can (eg) celebrate Christmas, birthdays etc and not invite you.
I don’t really see the difference tbh.

And now you are saying that…

Yes and so do the actions of the son-in-law and daughter-in-law.
It is not all one-way traffic

Like you have the right to not invite people on your ‘family’ holiday (correct, you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to) but now you are saying as if you don’t invite them because there is history of them not doing their side of it first.

I’m kind of joining comments together here, maybe that’s the confusion.

So, if you didn’t invite your SIL or DIL on a ‘family’ holiday, they might not invite you to their ‘family’ Christmas. That’s fair, yes?

Well mustryharderandharder we will wait for your thread "my dils are avoiding me" or something similar.

See also…

’AIBU DIL won’t let me see my grandchildren until Dec 27th?’

’AIBU Son in law won’t let me come to my grandchild’s tenth birthday barbecue’

It’s horrible of them BUT…imagine being child free for a week! 🎉

So, your partner is willing to have a child with you, and have you raise his child that isn’t related to you (so, in their mind, not your family), but you’re not part of his family?! The fact he won’t speak to his own parents about this is bizarre. I’d have lost all respect for him and got the massive ick.

Edited for typo.

Quite. I would ask your dp why he wants you to treat dss like family, when you’re not dps family and you’re no relation to dss. If there’s something you do for dss regularly tell dp you won’t be now you’ve had it so clearly explained you’re not family.

but, I’d just tell him we are separated now, as thats the only way this makes sense, and you will never look at him the same way. Now you know he doesn’t love you anywhere near enough in any meaningful way.

My dd's bf would be gutted if we took her /their dc away and not him. And their dc would be gutted her df wasn't around to join in with her having fun.

If they want to avoid me it is up to them. I certainly wouldn't start a thread about it on MN because I can't do anything about it.

As long as I don't think that I have done anything wrong then it is their problem and there is nothing I can do.

I would never let my children or their partners use my grandchildren to blackmail me. If they won't let me see them it is up to them.

But you wrote this…

We have 3 children who all have partners and 5 grandchildren.
I can see us inviting our 3 children and grandchildren and not the partners as it is much more expensive for food and drink even if the accommodation is the same cost.

You can, but neither my dh or any of his siblings would go if you were his parents, no one we know would go if it were their parents, none if my siblings or I would go if it were my parents, and if I did find I knew anyone who would go, we’d offer support to the other partner assuming their separation is a sure thing. It is a dumb dumb thing to do unless you’re genuinely a narcissistic controlling abusive person, in which case it’s just typical and hopefully the adult children break free.

You have been with your DP for 7 years and you are the mother of his 4yo child, not to mention (it sounds like) a key carer for your DP's child from a previous relationship.

Yet your DP's family are treating you as if you are a very recent girlfriend. Much more worryingly, your partner seems to think that's fine.

@notpartofthefamily I think you need to spell out to your partner exactly how hurtful this is.

Best of luck to you OP

If my partner wouldn't put me and his children before the needs of his parents, I would be done.

This will only become the norm

You are the child's mother and a partner to their son and step mum to his child.

Either you all go or none of you go, and yes I would leave if I wasn't put first.

I do wonder if this has come from the BIL - as he doesn’t have a partner, and nor does SIL, he feels like you’re intruding on their family unit as he still views it as the childhood family. I do think you need to check in with the PILs, as they have always welcomed you.

I also think if this in the case, your BIL needs to get over it. I imagine as soon as he has a partner he will want them included.