Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

I absolutely don’t understand your IL’s attitude on this. My family consists of DSs, their DWs and DP. They are my family. When my DH was dying they all rallied round. My DS’s DP spent hours at the hospital with DH. She didn’t say, he’s not my actual family.

I just don’t get it OP.

People are very funny about who they see as 'family'. GC = family. Mother of GC = not family. Bizarre. You are blood related to their GC and in a long term relationship with their DSon.

Honestly I think you have a DP problem if he thinks his DPs not seeing you as family after 7 years together isn't unkind, exclusionary, divisive, mean, belittling, demeaning.

My ILs at my wedding whisked DH away for photos with 'their' family. I've never forgotten it. I had just married into 'their' family, name change included. It sends messages and it creates barriers and division. They only had up photos in their house of our wedding with 'their' family. None including the bride. If it had happened earlier in the relationship I would very much have had words with DH. I mentioned the photos issue and he got a photo of us as a the wedding couple printed and framed as a Christmas gift for them. It ended up in the guest room but that was fine by me!

Yes, and that’s why I said she needs to speak to them and explain that even though it wasn’t their intention, this is how it felt to her.
Theres really no reason why her partner needs to advocate for her. She’s made a point of saying that her PIL are lovely people and she gets on well with them. This isn’t a situation that needs to be awkward or confrontational.

And I also want to point out that there’s nothing wrong with them wanting to do what they’re suggesting. But if Op feels left out and upset then she should speak to her family and not get herself all whipped up with the mouth frothers on here.

I would actually be happy to get some time to myself. And I don't think there's anything wrong with a family trip like this, without spouses. You're not glued to your husband, he's allowed to do things without you.

What is it with women on this message board who try to coerce their husbands to "say something" on their behalf to their in-laws? If you have something to say, say it yourself. You can't claim to be close to your in-laws, but then not have the guts to actually speak to them.

I agree with this and several other PPs.

If you aren’t family enough to be included in something special like this, very pointedly and being separated from your small child for a week then that has implications for everything else.

They aren’t family - so you don’t need to remember their birthdays. They aren’t family - so you don’t need to buy their Xmas presents. They aren’t family - so you don’t have to make time for them at Christmas. They aren’t family - so don’t waste precious time and energy on them.

(I wouldn’t let my 4yo spend a week away from me for any non- emergency reason I can think of for what it’s worth.)

Another one exactly the same as the step daughter one!!..

PIL are planning a big family holiday, OP assumes that means everyone, turns out her eldest daughter is not invited.. but it's the BIL that has told them that. No one will question it with the in laws, so it's a post full of second guessing, JUST like this one.

Why can't you just relay what BIL has said to the in laws and ask them directly if that is their plan?. It sounds to me like it's your BIL and your DH who don't want you to come...

Why would you in laws plan a big family holiday, book a family room for 4 people, but only invite 3 of your family, and not specifically say anything about you not being invited. Just grow some balls and ask you PIL directly, all this second guessing reasons why is just stupid.

Make you view crystal clear

then book a solo holiday

But some families are just like that. You can marry in, or stay on the outside.

To his family OP is the mother of their grandchild. So is his ex.

Im really surprised by these replies.

I have heard of loads of families going on holiday without their partners.

There is a different dynamic when it’s just certain family.
I’m sure you feel this way when you visit PIL.
The dynamic isn’t better or worse, it’s just different.

I would be absolutely fine with this and be looking forward to having a couple of weeks alone to relax.

I’m fascinated by all these people who would be delighted to pack their 4yo off for a week without them. With people who don’t like or consider them family. Very interesting.

Are you sure your bil isn't stirring and has told his parents you DON'T want to come? I think you need to speak to them calmly and find out.

Based on what they say take it from there?
My concern if it's true is where does it end. There was a truly awful thread on here a while back of a lovely lady who had married a chap with with grown up kids and grandkids that she was expected to look after, clean and cook for. But she was excluded from xmas meals, big birthday meals for kids as she "wasn't family". Unfortunately she had allowed it to go on for many years and I think what people are saying if that you are "not family" you need to cut your cloth and draw boundaries.

Totally this.

it’s weird enough having a holiday for their old nuclear family - turning back the clock. And that would be annoying and leaving you with the children to take care of. But to include the children and specifically leave you out is unbelievable. It sounds like some weird medieval royal thing.

This is so true. I didn’t get married, I am financially independent and thought I was being modern. But now the relationship has failed I am finding I am stuck in a shared house that he won’t sell. My options for dissolving the relationship and sharing finances are much more difficult when we don’t have the option of divorce.
I also agree about how this reflects on your status in the family, ie none

You might be happy with this scenario. But the OP clearly isn’t. She is hurt.

What is it with women on this message board who think just because they would be happy doing something then every other woman should be the same.

The OP doesn’t want time to herself. She wants to be included in a family holiday with her partner and CHILD!

Can’t believe some of the responses on here. Like the OP should be grateful for being excluded and not considered.

This is place is FUCKING BAT SHIT

I agree its a two way street and they've just created a clear line in the sand xx

It's like watching a tv show where most of the drama is created just because the main characters don't talk to each other about anything that is happening. It's so annoying and frustrating.

Why anyone does this in real life is beyond me, why would you be such a wet blanket in your own life story?

THEY haven't though have they.. BIL has and DH is agreeing with it and refusing to check.

The only people confirmed to be excluding OP from this trip at this point is BIL and DH.

The vital part here - "all parties are perfectly happy with the arrangement".

Well OP is quite rightly not happy, because she has been unilaterally EXCLUDED so in no way the same and therefore totally irrelevant 🙄. Try a bit of actual empathy.

I agree with this.

All the siblings are going away with their parents. One sibling has two children so they are invited. You don't appear to have a close relationship with the other siblings which makes it a totally different dynamic.
I’m wondering if the other siblings maybe feel they can’t be themselves around you?
i don't get the mumsnet hysteria over this.

I’d tell your DP that you’ll be stopping doing things for your DSS now. After all he’s not your family is he. It works all ways.

Seems arbitrary deciding that certain genetics allows you into the holiday group. How about families with adopted children, step children, new partners who are not the biological mum or dad, new partners of grandparents etc. very uncomfortable definition of family. Also when an old nuclear family whose children have now grown up and made their own families insists they are still the primary family, it’s odd. You, DH and children are the primary family here. Grandparents are peripheral.

Well "the family" can just crack on then. Assuming you are still together when his DPs are older and need taking to appointments, need support or help your DP better be ready because you're not doing it. And up until then don't bother with them.

My ex was all about the family and they would make such a fuss over some of their DCs partners but never me. It didn't matter what happened in my life, I didn't matter. And then lo! All the family left to the four corners of the world and never helped him once. Oh well.

@notpartofthefamily I'm sorry if this has been addressed already (I have read the full thread but it's very long and I might have missed it), but has your partner actually heard this from his parents or only his brother? Why is his brother organising it? Have the parents simply stumped up for it and handed over the organisation to him? In which case, is it him who hasn't invited you because he doesn't see you as family? Does he have any beef with you?

Why won't your husband speak to his father about it? They must get on ok if they have such a tight family unit.

Thats the line,

This. Op is hurt being excluded from time with her child. She doesn't want to be given a child free week