Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

They may think if you’re there you and your husband may act like a seperate family unit and go and do stuff with the kids,and he may not join in as much,

I don’t know, I’m searching for a reason why someone would do this.

Your partner should have said that you are his partner, part of the family and mum to their grandchild and if you’re not invited, then he will opt out of the holiday.

If the holiday proceeds without you, I would not visit them again, nor would I have them in my home,

They have never mentioned marriage (no cultural differences) but yes i wonder if it would be different if we were married. I’m assuming if sil or bil had partners they wouldn’t be invited either.

The other thing to check op, is could one of them be ill?

Yeah i really don’t know. Theres times dp visits them without me if im working/ busy but most of the time we see them as a family.

No t as far as we know

Yeah maybe it wouldn’t feel as personal if I wasn’t the only one not invited.

Surely your DP presumed you were automatically invited so someone had to say actually it’s just you and the kids? If that was me and my partner wasn’t invited I’d be asking questions!! Really bizarre

You have a Partner problem. A serious one. Have you considered that they know something about your relationship that you don't? Like your partner is planning to jump ship?

That's absolutely insane. Do they actually think they can get away with that? That is bullying and the height of disrespect. And they think they have the right to take your child and leave you home alone without him? Your son is obviously not going on the holiday. Book a fantastic holiday for you and son for the same week, and tell your husband to piss off.

Yes we both believed it was both of us, fil just said big family holiday so we assumed everyone was going. Bil rang to discuss rooms that’s when it transpired I wasn’t included. I think pil assumed we would have known. What a mess! If we had known from the beginning maybe it would have been managed better.

No we are great. I think he doesn’t really see the issue because technically they are right I’m not related to them.

This is horrible. How do you get over this, and your partner hasn't said anything?

😡That is a rude insult towards you.

I hope your dh will see that and say "My life partner, mother of my children IS family. She comes or we don't."

It’s outrageous that your DP would think it’s ok to take your DS on a holiday you are not invited to. I think you should tell your DP that you’d prefer if your DS does not go on this holiday. Does your DP really expect that you’d wave them off happily ? Do your IL’s really think that you’d visit or have them visit before the holiday when there will be excited talk about it or when they get home. It’s awful.

Yes, OP you do have a partner problem, the whole situation is absurd. You are his partner, the mother of his child and there is a serious problem if he can see you so insulted by his parents and say nothing, and furthermore, go away on the holiday without you at their instigation. How fucking dare he. Sod that.

He tried to push back a bit with bil (I think) but bil said they never do anything ‘just the family’ anymore. Which is true I always attend family gatherings (parties, birthdays etc) He’s not comfortable broaching it with fil and has said he won’t.

Not to drip feed but fil and mil will likely cover cost. I don’t think it’s about money though as they can afford it and one extra would not add much more to the cost.

Exactly the thought of sitting there while they are planning what they will do and afterward seeing photos / hearing about it I would just feel so sad that I’m not included.

My parents would not do a family holiday ( we get on fine but I see dps family much more) so it’s not even like I could do the same on my side.

That is just awful. I am so sorry they have excluded you like that. The good thing is they have shown their true colours and you can now act accordingly. I personally feel its too late to include you. Let them all have their holiday, make it clear to the pils its changed the dynamics but your ok with that and then going forward be kind and civil but not available for anything but what you choose.
be clear to your partner that this changes things for you.
And also book a fabulous girls holiday to a nightlife hotspot and have a ball.

Wonder how BIL will feel when he has a partner and they are excluded. It’s nonsense to say they never do anything as a family anymore and yet invite your DS and DSS because since they were born, there was your partner’s ex and then yourself in the mix. Your DS, without you being around, was never part of ‘just the family’ iykwim.

Just to ask 4% think I’m unreasonable. Can I ask your views? I’m genuinely wanting to see both sides

That's appalling. I can't believe they'd exclude you like that. If it was me, and I am good at holding grudges, I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything with them again. If they don't consider you family, then don't treat them like family. They've shown their true colours now. They can't go back on it. I'd also do things with DS and DSS (if you're allowed) that doesn't include DP. The fact that DP refuses to say anything to his parents shows he's not on your side.

Is it pil or is it bil making this? Are they cost cutting due to rooms?

I don’t think it’s financial, according to dp he will be in a family room which sleeps four ao it wouldn’t cost anything more.
bil said it but he says pil agree.

I think they’re really out order, but I suspect it’s some twisted logic about you being the only partner and therefore the only adult that’s not their child..?