Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

This! It will feel odd to most children. Mummy isn’t being invited - the only one excluded. He’ll think that she has been naughty or that the others don’t like her. Or he’ll learn over time if this is repeated that she is inferior or less worthy perhaps unless you can be very careful explaining this and handling it sensitively and robustly.

The thing that swung it for me was that the other two siblings aren’t taking partners and they are only in their twenties. Still fairly young - so to keep the family dynamic, it’s easier if you stay home and your in-laws take their kids and grandkids on holiday.
Having you there will change the dynamic - another mother, another matriarch figure. Your in-laws are paying and they want to be head honchos for the holiday - that’s the impression I get anyway.

This is disgusting, and a really nasty thing to say.

Imagine saying to a woman “Oh it’s easier if you just stay home so we can have a nice holiday with your partner and young child”. I’d say that’s bullying!

Thanking my lucky stars my family are totally different to you.

I wouldn't be able to get past this! Does your DP even care about what a horrible week it would be for you? You would be missing your little boy and stuck at home on your own!
It will always be there, even in years to come, most people wouldn't be able to get over it. I would insist your child stays with you as it would be to upsetting to be without him for a whole week. Plan sone lovely things to do with him.

Exactly! I bet if OP's DP's siblings did have partners, they wouldn't be pushing for a 'birth family only' holiday.

It's also incredibly hypocritical of OP's DP to agree to this on the grounds that OP isn't 'family' when she treats his child from a previous relationship like her own child even though they aren't blood related. He would no doubt be furious if she insisted on excluding her step-son from family outings etc. He can't have it both ways.

I’d be making it very clear that if they don’t consider me family, then they’ll reap what they sow. Christmas & birthdays/anniversaries are for family & I wouldn’t be spending any of those times with them. Make it clear to DP that by going, he’s agreeing to their idea of you not being family & that division will last forever. If 7 years together & birthing their dgc isn’t enough to get you family status then you never will be.

DP has let you down by not immediately refusing any “family” holiday that doesn’t include you. He’s choosing to reinforce their thoughts on you & I’d struggle to forgive him for that.

Yes, especially if DGS pipes up so how come your Mum is family but my Mum isn’t!?

Bizarre. I just don’t think it’s a biggie at all! I’ve been married 18 years and if my DH’s family were paying for a holiday without me I just wouldn’t care. I would care however if the other siblings were taking partners, because you’ve then been singled out, but they’re not.

So it’s the in-laws, the kids and grandkids. Lovely! It will be really nice for all of them.

It’s mental to me that posters are saying how will you ever forgive him! What?? For going on hols with his Mum and Dad? With younger siblings that are only in their twenties?

OP hasn’t said what sort of holiday it is, yeah I’d be pissed off it was a 5* hotel in Barbados - but if my DH was off caravanning with the kids and his parents were paying I’d be thanking god I was NOT invited.

This is really tough. I wonder if it's because the two of you are not married and they are trying to make your DP take your relationship more seriously and that's why he won't talk to you about it.

I think the issue that is worth your time and energy is with you and your DP here. You said you aren't married as you don't want to share money. To me that says you aren't committed to each other forever. As if you were you would be happy to share money 50:50 or make an agreement about the money and get married. Maybe that's not what you think or feel, but I imagine that could be why the in laws aren't taking you seriously, after all he already has one ex he has a child with.

The fact that he is happy to go without you when you are upset gives me the most concern. I would not be happy with this. Yes you could have viewed it as a nice week for yourself to do something fun but you don't feel that way and he should stand up for you as you should be more important to him than his parents. That coupled with the not sharing money thing makes me think his parents see something you don't, that he is not that committed to you after all.
I would let them go and spend the time reflecting on your relationship, if everything else is good in your relationship then you can let this go and enjoy the break from childcare. But if it's not and this is another sign of his lack of commitment, you can re-evaluate and decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in or if you would be better off without. Some relationships are worth the work but you both have to care enough to do the work and if he doesn't care is that what you eant? You are still pretty young if you ar in your 30s.

Sorry if that's too much of a ramble, I guess the TLDR is is this just one thing in an otherwise great relationship or is this a sign of other problems that indicate he is not that committed to you. Only you know that.

Not sure why you aren’t holding your DP much more accountable here because how can he be ok with this. If you accept this from him then you have absolutely NO leg to stand on having a problem with the IL doing that.
and one thing is for sure, if they exclude you on this they will be for sure doing this Time and again
Do you want to come on here at Christmas crying about how they had Christmas dinner without you?

You seem far too passive about your dp.

So it’s the in-laws, the kids and grandkids. Lovely! It will be really nice for all of them.

See I find this really bizarre. Imagine a family having a lovely and really nice time whilst the OP is home alone, feeling hurt and excluded, away from her young child and partner whilst they’re all having a nice time.

It just screams that they’re thoughtless and spiteful.

I’d be going on a lovely trip on my own , kid free! Amazing!

I can’t see the problem tbh. If my DH took our child on holiday with his family I’d be delighted and see it as a week to do something for me.

Sometimes people want to be with the family they’re born from there’s nothing wrong with that. We had a family holiday and DH and my brothers wife were invited too and paid for by my parents. I’d have been happy to go without him. He’d have been annoyed to miss out on a free holiday but asides from that he wouldn’t care.

it is what it is. Stop making your dp feel bad - it’s not his fault your family wouldn’t do it, my DHs family would never either. If they do it every year so be it. It’s your week off. Enjoy. Go to a spa or something. Have the time of your life. Do the things you never do.

LIVE.

we didn’t know if we could all afford a family holiday this year and my DH and I weren’t bothered about which of us went as long as DC got a holiday. No big deal. Let your son enjoy that side of his family without you. It doesn’t mean they don’t care for you, I’m sure they do. Not everyone has to be at everything.

Also they’ve seen his relationship break down before, with a child. Now they have that women in all there pictures.

I am sick of seeing the myriad of my families Ex’s in all my pictures because of course we couldn’t possibly take a picture without them. Because they’d feel left out.
10 years ago you could be done with them for good and never speak to them again like his ex.

Agreed. I couldn't imagine my parents doing this to any of my sister-in-law's. And to top it off, having the audacity to assume they can take her child and leave her home alone.

The way they got her to consent was super sneaky....they framed it all as family holiday for all. It was only after they agreed as a family that she found out she actually wasn't invited.

Op, they see you as a soft touch. Start building your self-worth.

Normally I'd be agreeing with this BUT there's a 97% consensus vote and so many similar replies here from randoms who usually enjoy fighting amongst themselves. That should signal there's a real issue that needs to be addressed.

Whether OP goes to some of the extremes discussed is up to her, but sitting on her hands is obviously not the right thing to do.

Nor is allowing DS to go without her - because that week would be absolute hell to live through, alone with thoughts. A solo spa week isn't going to stop the little cogs of doubt from turning I'm afraid, it's more likely to heighten cortisol levels than decrease them.

This is the kind of thing that rips families apart because there are some family qualities about to be broken here, between any and all of the three parties: OP, DP, ILs: trust, respect, loyalty, support, communication, and whether forgiveness is possible.

So this whole talk about ‘family’, how would your partner feel if you treated your DSS differently, not like ‘family’ … ask him that.

@notpartofthefamily

I would be fucking FUMING! And not just at the cruel insensitivity of the in-laws …. mostly at your partner!! What standard does that set, going forward? What message is that giving your child? Your partner sounds like a weak man who has most definitely not got your back.I would lose respect for him & would have the major ick. What a dick!!!!

I would be booking myself a nice little holiday for myself somewhere abroad with a nice beach. See how he likes that

I can’t believe your partner is accepting the terrible way his family is treating you.

Sorry OP but I would not be seeing or lifting a finger for these people after this. I’m not normally petty but this would set me off.

also my DH is far from perfect but absolutely zero chance he would agree to a family holiday where I want invited. It’s fucking insulting.

Why shouldn’t OP speak to them herself? This attitude is so ridiculous. She’s a grown woman. She’s known them for seven years. She gets on well with them and thinks they’re lovely. SHE is the one who is upset and would like to understand. Grown ups in this situation do not need a go between.

And as for your comment on my situation - that was to add a little bit of perspective in a sea of outrage. I didn’t use it to minimise her feelings, and in the context of my whole post, it should’ve been clear that wasn’t my intention. It was to help her see that, while she was upset, that very, very likely wasn’t the intention of her PIL, and that for some people it’s just something that they do. It’s not meant as a sly dig, or an opportunity to tell OP she’s not family. Again, that is why she needs to talk to them and give them an opportunity to explain and heal her upset, instead of listening to people on here who are deliberately trying to stir the pot.

Your in-laws have decided that because their other two children (who I assume are younger) don't have partner's, then your partner can't bring you along?! Don't your in-laws understand that once your partner got together with you, and had a child, then their family dynamics have changed??! Your partner is no longer single! He has a partner he lives with, and children!!

The fact your children are going, but you're not, makes the whole situation even worse in my book! If the children are going, what does it matter if you do too?!!

I would be extremely hurt and upset. Your husband needs to step up and say No to the trip away, unless you're invited. By not doing so, he doesn't have your back.

It is not "the in laws".
If you're not married they are just your partner's parents.

You have different views on what constitutes family. That is fine, your partner has to do the negotiations between his wider family and his home family.

(And arranging anything, and birthday cards, and Xmas stuff etc.)
He is in a difficult position, as are you. You and he need to do the negotiations on where your boundaries and lines in the sand are. He sees you as his family. He sees them as his family, he just doesn't necessarily see you ALL as one family.

They, however, don't care a teeny tiny bit, because, to them, you are not family at all.

You're not family then ?

As a previous poster says that absolves you from a shit ton of stuff in the future.

Who facilitates Christmas birthdays etc, are you family then when you're doing the donkey work (if you do)

I don't think it's over the top to say if OP isn't considered 'family' after all this time and producing a grandchild into the family to boot, ten she's out. Entirely.