Ds accused of a hate crime

[dinosaursroars]

Hi everyone i need advice on how to deal with ds2

A few nights ago my eldest came to me in tears and said that he thought he was gay and had a bf who was his best friend first and i knew him but he said that they kept it quiet as his bfs family are muslim but they somehow found out and he broke up with ds they were going to be friends but ds told him he shouldn’t date a girl just for his parents approval as it’s selfish and not fair to treat a girl like that

boy said ds didn’t understand and blocked him this was a few weeks ago and because he lives close ds hasnt wanted to go out anywhere incase he sees him which ive noticed as he’s not gone anywhere all summer

his younger brother overheard this as he walked into the living room and didn’t say anything but ive had a message from the boys mum they live in the same building as us so i have her number but we arent close but she said ds2 had seen her son in the park and shouted at him, threw his pepsi over him and said homophobic slurs at him and his friends and maybe ds her son wasn’t sure shouted racist slurs at him she’s mentioned the police for a hatecrime which has freaked me out even tho she probs should as that behaviour isn’t ok

ive texted him to come home and he hasn’t the mum said her son said they rode off on their bikes but hes not even answered me. ds1 is upset as hes made everything worse

ages as people will ask probably ds1 is 17 next friday and ds2 is 14, the boy is 17

Wow, hugely unacceptable from your 14 year old

If the police come round you don’t have to let them in without a warrant.
I would agree to an interview at the police station but have a solicitor present.
Maybe read a prepared statement to them as they may try to get him to admit racial or homophobic motivation.

If this does escalate to the police, your role is to help your son navigate the legal system fairly. Make sure he has legal representation before speaking with the police.

for dealing with it as a family, deep breaths. Take your time. Your son messed up badly if this report is accurate. No one was injured though which helps immensely. He can be punished by you, have many conversations about what he did, and hopefully get to the point he can make a sincere apology.

what a revolting thing to say.

Eeek that’s hard OP. You need to deal with your DS1 correctly and come down full force.

Does he actually think this way or was he just showing off with his mates? Either way neither is acceptable.

If it was my DS, I’d be putting the fear of god into him and making him sincerely apologise, then hoping they don’t call the police.

Your youngest son sounds rather unpleasant.
maybe this will be good for him. Help him realise that he is not ok to behave this way .
doesn’t sound like you are giving him any consequences so hopefully the police will .

What advice do you need, it is a hate crime, it’s utterly vile bullying behaviour. And I’d would speak to him, ground him. Remove privileges. Have him apologise in person. And have the police speak to him,.

on top of this he’s ignoring you. That also needs dealt with, he’s out of control, are you a single parent?

Hes not home how can i give him consequences

That's definitely a hate crime, possibly two from your 14 year old. I agree with the police having a word, hopefully he can change his ways.

You don't sound horrified and shocked. Which makes me wonder if this is normal for your son.

That story was a rollercoaster

Well as he is only 14, the police really wont do much

You have some problems

Your son is gay - great that he has come out to you. What does he want to do now? Will he come out as a whole and be who he is?

Is your son a homophobe? Does he hate his big brother now? Has he always hated him? Or is he angry at the way the boy has treated his brother? Is he standing up for him?

Did he shout racial slurs? You need to be clear on that.

This Muslim boy needs to be prevented from dating girls imo, not everyone will agree. For some Muslim girls, they take virginity and relationships seriously. A boy should not use them as a beard. Nasty in itself.
Not your responsibility but just irked me.

Personally I'd let them in to try to defuse the situation. Coming on all legal at this stage could be the worst thing. Its a 14 year old so the police might want to just get him to apologise especially if the other family don't want to take it further.

Your 14 is an absolute knob...he clearly lives in a multi cultural area and his brother is gay...so thats his neighbours and his brother he will have really upset.

The thing that freaks you out is her mentioning a hate crime rather than hearing what your son did?

No it's not. What's revolting is what OP's 14yo said and did.

This.

His poor older brother, living with someone who feels like that.

There's no really no reason for the 'you have raised' bit The OP is clearly upset and shocked about what has happened and clearly doesn't agree with the Son's comment. Some posters on here only come alive when they've got an opportunity to say something nasty.

When your sn's home I would tell him thw mother is considering going to the PL POLICE and And that you don't blame her, he may be interviewed and charged with a hate crime and I would go through with him what were potential consequences if this are short term and long term. I'd have a separate conversation about his attitude and why he's done this.

edited to add I think there needs to be punishment but also education He should already know better than this. Removing things is one hi idea gaming rights etc but I think it's something that needs to have a long lasting effect.
Personally if it was me I think I get in contact with the local mosque and ask Somebody if they will speak to him and explain the impact this abuse has.

No phone and not allowed out. But you also need to explain why this is so unacceptable, and also the consequences of a criminal record. Can you get his dad or other respected family member to talk to him as well. He is 14 so still learning.

Ok are you being deliberately obtuse, she clearly means when he comes home.

Give her a break she's trying to deal with it.

so comment on that rather than tell the OP she's raised a vile human being. The inference is that it is her parenting that has caused this. Assumptive, judgemental, lazy viewpoint.

Didn't the mum say he hasn't done it-it's just been claimed he has?

I will re-read it, but that's the sense I got from it.

Obviously it is awful if anyone has said anything hateful, but people do make accusations that aren't true, thinking it'll be taken seriously even if it's a complete lie.

But surely he did have racist and homophobic motivation?

Ever heard of punctuation?

The 14 yr old is angry and upset about how his brother’s been treated by his best friend and ex boyfriend. He’s dealt with that by saying the meanest words he knows.

When we tell children that certain insults are really powerful and must never be used, those are the ones they’ll reach for when they are very upset/angry.

I really despair of our inability to distinguish between words, thoughts and actions. The other parent actually is homophobic, but that’s not relevant apparently.