Ds accused of a hate crime

[dinosaursroars]

Hi everyone i need advice on how to deal with ds2

A few nights ago my eldest came to me in tears and said that he thought he was gay and had a bf who was his best friend first and i knew him but he said that they kept it quiet as his bfs family are muslim but they somehow found out and he broke up with ds they were going to be friends but ds told him he shouldn’t date a girl just for his parents approval as it’s selfish and not fair to treat a girl like that

boy said ds didn’t understand and blocked him this was a few weeks ago and because he lives close ds hasnt wanted to go out anywhere incase he sees him which ive noticed as he’s not gone anywhere all summer

his younger brother overheard this as he walked into the living room and didn’t say anything but ive had a message from the boys mum they live in the same building as us so i have her number but we arent close but she said ds2 had seen her son in the park and shouted at him, threw his pepsi over him and said homophobic slurs at him and his friends and maybe ds her son wasn’t sure shouted racist slurs at him she’s mentioned the police for a hatecrime which has freaked me out even tho she probs should as that behaviour isn’t ok

ive texted him to come home and he hasn’t the mum said her son said they rode off on their bikes but hes not even answered me. ds1 is upset as hes made everything worse

ages as people will ask probably ds1 is 17 next friday and ds2 is 14, the boy is 17

Should the parents of the other boy be prosecuted for forcing their child to date women when he is gay? Is that not pretty hateful towards gay people?

Or just the 14 year old boy who said some stupid things ? Have a black mark against his name ? Potentially affecting future job prospects

So the friends mother made an allegation. Have you seen proof? Evidence? Third party heresay.

Saying racist and homophobic things is not just saying stupid things. You keep on minimising this.
If we’re going to prosecute Muslims who are against same sex relationships will we be doing the same for Christians? Will we arrest vicars, reverends and priests who refuse to marry same sex couples on religious grounds? Or is that different?

You are the one who said it was ok they were against gay marriage “because they’re Muslim” so perhaps you can answer if it’s different when Christian’s are the same?

Im not excusing what the boy said I am just saying the report for “homophobic slurs” was obviously vindictive coming from a couple who won’t allow their son to be gay. As if they actually care about homophobic slurs.
And as I’ve pointed out there are plenty of people willing to say he should own up and take the criminal record but when their own little brat beats his girlfriend or another kid up they pull every trick in the book so little Timothy doesn't have a blemished record.

The boy called his mum and told her what happened and im not sure why she or the boy would made this up about ds2 when they barely know him if at all

Where did I say it was okay?!

Apologies, I looked back and that was Jerrybalantis who said that

That was nice. 14 is still a child.

If it's reported to the police, I'm afraid your son will have to take the consequences of his actions. Throwing a drink over someone is classed as common assault and that could result in criminal charges, although more likely a police caution for a first offence. Racial and homophobic abuse is more problematic. I would wait and see if he is reported to police and then get legal advice if need be.

I think you should be thinking about what consequences you are going to impose for his behaviour. You say he came in and went out again, the first thing you should be doing is grounding him. I'd also be removing his phone/game console for a good while. He needs to know that you're not going to accept his actions.

By OP's account the parents had already found out their son is gay by the time this happened, so there's every chance they're extremely upset and may even be looking too blame OP's DS/family for "leading him into this"

If the allegations are true then clearly this was utterly unacceptable, and before storming in with consequences I'd suggest making a real effort to find out what actually happened

I explained in another post up thread....the "you've raised" is utterly unnecessary.

You can “remind me” all you like that he shouted homophobic slurs, but you don’t know that either.

we have the say so of a woman who would rather her son be deeply unhappy than admit he is gay.

I’m quite shocked that you’re prepared to believe a boy who has treated your DS1 badly and his mother who is ashamed of her son’s homosexuality over your DS2.

i can only assume he has behaved in a homophobic/racist manner previously, hence you not believing him.

hes not behaved in a homophobic or racist way before no. but i font understand why the other boy would lie about ds2 when he hardly knows him and wasnt involved in anything between him and ds1. he also eouldnt know he was out at that exact time unless he saw him

Oddly, I could see an angry teenager taking it out on another kid by hitting a sore spot, and the second angry teenager hitting back and thank heavens it was with words not deeds.

I could also see a parent wanting to make very sure that her son didn't associate with your older son because it'd be easier to believe that he'd been led astray by 'that' family (which I'm sure you're not)

Do you remember when we were young and thought having babies was so complicated? I wonder why we thought things would get easier? Good luck and best wishes to all of you.

I'd want to know exactly what his actions were and how they were provoked, and so, I imagine, would the police. They go to enormous lengths not to charge people down here in the area where I live, so if anything happened, it'd be a community resolution that doesn't show up anywhere. It's been hot, emotions have been running high and kids do daft things.

What does being a single parent have to do with it?! I raised 3 boys alone and they are all wonderful law abiding human beings. Honestly. Give your head a wobble. Men sent the be all and end all you know.

I'm guessing Op has raised her sons the same way, how many families do we know where one child has been trouble or troubled and the others are fine. It's nature versus nurture, not poor parenting. I'm willing to bet there was a lot of peer pressure involved too

It sounds like you don’t have any control over your younger son, you were sorting dinner so couldn’t speak properly to him? I think your son being accused of a hate crime should take priority from whatever you’re doing at the time.
14 year olds say awful awful things, and I get that you’re also upset for your elder son, but you should have spoken to your younger ds too when he over heard your other son. But this behaviour needs nipping in the bud and now, before you end up with police at your door every other week or him in a juvie centre.

he put family first. he's a good kid.

You txt your son to come home?
do you not have him on life 360/find my phone or some type of tracker. so you could have gone and got him?
if not you must have an idea of were he could be to go and get him? You seem more worried about the consequences that the fact he’s done it.

hes been accused of doing something vile and you 100% need to get him home and deal with this. And not just when he decides to come home go and get him and get him home now

This!!!

all I took from it was 14yo “trying” to look out for his brother after the actions of the boy.

not condoning the wording etc but I genuinely feel what the 14yo feels he has done

Op, did your you get son come home? Did he lash out at the boy in defence of his older brother?

it is unacceptable behaviour hopefully a word with the police/and strong words from you/seeing how upset his brother is might make him regret/apologise.

Hope it gets sorted. Poor kid, if he is Muslim and having to hide who he really is, it’s just so sad to be trappped that way.

No, there are parts of the Middle East where they throw gay people from buildings. They’re the people I think she’s referring to.
I feel desperately sad that the bf doesn’t feel he can come out to his parents.

It sounds like you’ve taken this woman’s word as gospel. Take it with a pinch of salt - as other posters have mentioned, ds2 may well have been upset that his elder brother was dumped, as well as trying to get his head around the fact he came out as gay. A confusing cocktail of emotions. No, it’s not right to make homophobic remarks to the other boy, but you didn’t actually see what went on or what else might have been said. Tread carefully if you don’t want to alienate him - try to focus on problem solving and understanding the behaviour rather than coming down like a ton of bricks.