Ds accused of a hate crime

[dinosaursroars]

Hi everyone i need advice on how to deal with ds2

A few nights ago my eldest came to me in tears and said that he thought he was gay and had a bf who was his best friend first and i knew him but he said that they kept it quiet as his bfs family are muslim but they somehow found out and he broke up with ds they were going to be friends but ds told him he shouldn’t date a girl just for his parents approval as it’s selfish and not fair to treat a girl like that

boy said ds didn’t understand and blocked him this was a few weeks ago and because he lives close ds hasnt wanted to go out anywhere incase he sees him which ive noticed as he’s not gone anywhere all summer

his younger brother overheard this as he walked into the living room and didn’t say anything but ive had a message from the boys mum they live in the same building as us so i have her number but we arent close but she said ds2 had seen her son in the park and shouted at him, threw his pepsi over him and said homophobic slurs at him and his friends and maybe ds her son wasn’t sure shouted racist slurs at him she’s mentioned the police for a hatecrime which has freaked me out even tho she probs should as that behaviour isn’t ok

ive texted him to come home and he hasn’t the mum said her son said they rode off on their bikes but hes not even answered me. ds1 is upset as hes made everything worse

ages as people will ask probably ds1 is 17 next friday and ds2 is 14, the boy is 17

So it was coincidence that the person he decided to allegedly abuse with homophobic and racial slurs just happened to have dumped his brother, and that it is just a coincidence that he heard his brother crying to his mum about it only to then target the ex…come on. He was retaliating for the hurt caused, it isn’t acceptable, not even a little bit, but it definitely was not a hate crime

I suppose he might have been avenging his brother's honour even though OP herself says he doesn't particularly care about him.

And perhaps it was a coincidence that ds has been engaging in antisocial behaviour for no other reason than to be a menace but this time it's for moral and familial honour reasons.

I agree with you btw on the fact that it definitely isn’t ok the way he behaved. I just think there is a big difference between targeting someone because of their ethnicity or sexuality, vs using a slur.

Both are awful, but the first one is a very serious crime, where the second could possibly be just that he is an idiot. Either way, what he has allegedly done is not ok and someone needs to have words with him about it, preferably the police so he realises how close he came to seriously impacting his future.

It looks like you have so many children OP that you are unable to control them and look after them properly, children need love and attention

You've decided all this based on what someone who wasn't there at the time said and sentenced him as well. Using the words juvie centre suggests you're American. In the UK we have this little matter of evidence, and it'll come down to two kids saying stupid things. I'm surprised by your attitude towards body shaming a teenager tbh.

A) Not all pregnancies are planned
B) She didn't know her son was gay, which was the root cause of all this when she was pregnant.
C) We're not in the dark ages, so it's not up to anyone else to query why a child has or does not have children.

I agree with you but for a different reason. I'm horrified that so many people are taking a woman's word who wasn't there and doesn't want her son to be gay so may see herself as protecting him. I'd hoped the Henry Nowak case would have done what his parents wanted and made people think about stereotypes.

Would you have thought the same when Henry Nowak was lied about as he lay dying?

I imagine your son may have done this to distance from his gay brother. If he hangs round with a bunch of regressive bullies then having a gay brother could be enough to get him targeted, so he goes the other way to prove he's like them. You need a conversation about why he did it.
As far as police ate concerned, personally I'd let things play out with no attempt to protect him, as the shock of police involvement now could prevent him from escalating. Wading in to make it go away will have the opposite effect. He will think he's untouchable and can do what he likes, and next time he could hurt someone and really ruin his life.

Sorry - the anger issues were with the 14 year old.

OP has done a lot of posts and it is clear she was struggling to parent the children she had when she had the fifth. She admitted to ignoring all communications from the older kids schools to the point she didn’t know that the eldest had to apply to college. That’s not judgment, just a fact. she has done many posts which come down to not having any bandwidth to parent and then leaving the posts because of the inevitably questions about why she has so many children and not having any space for them which has led to arguments between the older two. They are in a 3 bed flat with 5 children and occasionally I guess the latest boyfriend who is the father of the baby.

children don’t just need love… they need attention, guidance and boundaries. It’s clear her 14 year old has not respect for her

Are you aware of how much a home with 4 bedrooms costs?
Applying for college means being 16 years old, not 6, many parents leave decisions like that to their children.

Scouring someone’s old posts in order to find a way to stick the knife in isn’t a good look

I havnt scoured. OP was a prolific poster but has changed names so it’s impossible to scour. But she has come here many times and that is her decision to do that.

of course I know how much a 4 bedroom house costs! That’s why I don’t have 5 children and why I have taken steps to ensure I don’t have 5 children. If you are a single parent it would be very hard to keep on top of the discipline, educational needs, emotional needs, physical things of 5 children so I think it is entirely relevant to suggest she reaches out and gets further support from social services or any other places you can access support from.

college was over a year ago and under a different name its not relevant to this post i did it in the end

its also against talk guidelines to bring up things from previous names.

Apologies - happy to delete my posts. However, your son has been accused of a hate crime and had the highest behaviour points in the school and got reported to school for abusing people. You can’t do this on your own - reach out for help. Police, school, social services… charities in your local area that might be able to do something

This is dreadful advice. You're teaching a child to lie. Also, there may be witnesses and video evidence. People often start filming at the first sign of an altercation these days.

my husband is Muslim and would agree with what your son said about dating a girl if the boy’s parents are like many Muslim parents would not be happy with a son having a girlfriend as dating is seen as a taboo

I’ve known plenty of families with five children in a three bedroom home. This was the norm until very recently. In the same way a 14 year old shouting insults seems to be a bigger issue than the parents forcing their gay son to date women. Would you tell a Muslim family they shouldn’t have had so many children? Seeing as they’re more likely to have big families

I would advise anyone to have the number of children they can afford, both monetarily and being able to support emotional needs and keep on top of discipline and their education without relying on the state and that they can continue to support if circumstances were to change. I don’t think it matters what religion you are. The OP has described various instances of bad behaviour in this post. Her son had an extremely high number of behaviour points at school, was reported to the school by a member of the public, he admitted to throwing the drink, talked back to her, left the flat when she was still trying to talk to him… this doesn’t sound like a one off and should be diminished just because the other family are homophobic. Their issue with there son dating a boy is a whole another kettle of fish!

Ok well it reads like trying to guilt trip her over having more than 2.4 children and not living in a mansion. As if that’s the reason her son is misbehaving.

My parents did everything right 2 kids, nice home, home cooked dinner on the table every evening I still disappointed them by making them grandparents when I was 16. I knew a woman who was really up her ass about her perfect son but when he was 14 (same age as ops son) he was selling crack and heroin.

So don’t think because you’ve done everything “perfect” you are better than anyone else. And on the face of things what he’s done really isn’t that bad. I mean come on shouting insults is a homophobic hate crime but the parents banning their son from having a boyfriend is fine? I’m not saying it’s ok what he is done obviously it’s not but he’s not selling crack like mrs perfects son so bringing up her old posts is uncalled for

Who said banning the son from having a boyfriend was ok? No one has! But this isn’t about them - they aren’t going to read this. It’s not about him or them.

but shouting homophobic abuse at someone is a hate crime. The other boy is not his parents. Of course he is going to feel pressure to comply and you don’t know why that may be - he might risk getting disowned so he is in a really tough position. So I don’t see why there was a need to shout homophobic abuse at him - if that is what happened.

No. We do not all know kids that have done far worse than that. Far worse than homophobic assault and bullying? Are you serious? It’s just ‘kids being kids’ to you? No wonder the country is such a cess pit if this is what parents are teaching their kids is acceptable.

I would be horrified if my child behaved like that. I’d be horrified they had such views and would feel like a massive failure as a parent. I would most certainly NOT be ‘hiring the best lawyer in town’! I’d be coming down like a ton of bricks.

Whatever the other family’s beliefs does not
excuse the behaviour of this boy. It is possible that two things can both be wrong at the same time, you know.

We don’t need any more nasty, racist, homophobic bullies. We’ve quite enough of them already. He’s 14, get him grounded for a month and if the police get involved then maybe he’ll learn a lesson.

No one has but of course there is a big rush for everyone to get their panties in a twist over this homophobic hate crime reported to the police by parents who won’t even allow their son to be gay.

To the extent people are combing old posts to blame this on the size of the ops house.

I’m not saying his behaviour is ok but do you really think shouting mean words is worse than selling crack and heroin or hospitalising other kids? Are you really going to act like this is the worst possible thing a teenager can do

So when my daughter dumps someone, she can expect their sibling may throw a drink over her, and light her up with a few horrible 'words'. She'll accept it too, because they're just looking out for family.

Taking note of the excellent parenting advice here, thank you 👌🏾.

Why have you brought crack into this? It’s not the worst thing but it’s a bad thing and in light of the repeated bad behaviour outlined in this post it’s probably a really bad thing and any parent would be concerned… the OP is clearly concerned otherwise she wouldn’t have posted