To think our DSs achievement is a lot down to me?

[Stayinganontoday]

I know it’s all his hard work, but I did a lot of the encouragement on the side.

For context he’s the first in his family to get into uni. His parents just finished secondary school and (and so did the previous generations).

Before I entered his life (he’s technically my stepson) he only aspired to get his GCSEs and go into social care.

Today he got his results and he’s going to a Russell Group uni.

Im extremely proud of him, but I also think he wouldn’t have don’t it without me. So AIBU for being so proud of myself? (and him obviously!)

My daughter graduated from a RG university this year and I can honestly say it’s all because of her own work ethic and intellect. I’ve only ever encouraged my kids to do what they want and what they feel capable of of course I’ve always told them they can achieve anything

I actually have zero MH issues thank very much, I have para/hyper phantasia which has nothing to do with MH.

Plus, yes my stepson’s achievements are despite his background. Both his parents have abused substances, including his mother doing pot while she was expecting him.

Exactly what I thought.

Wonder where your daughter gets the overconfidence from 😆😆

For your own sake I wouldn't tell your DSS how proud you are of yourself in relation to his achievement. Or anyone else for that matter.

It's rare to read something so blatantly narcissistic. Kudos, I guess. 🤨

Yes I think you can privately be proud of yourself.

Wow, you're bad mouthing his mother when your husband was recently doing coke and paying for online sex workers!!!

You really do have main character syndrome that's for sure!

You can lead a horse to water.....

It's like people who say they got someone a job. Yes, but if the person doesn't perform well, turn up on time and been an good employee, they would be out.

He put in the hard work, so it is on him.

You may be correct that you contributed to his success, in an unquantifiable way. But if you want to claim credit for success, you should be equally keen to accept responsibility for things that go badly in his life.

If you do feel responsible for things that go badly, it's not great for you or him. And if you don't, then you'd be saying your success is mine but your failures are yours (a parental attitude that is almost universal in the culture I was raised in and very annoying).

plus, I also sat with him checking a lot of his course work too. One of his A levels is on what I have my MSc in.

Seriously? Did he make the declaration that it was all his own work? "Checking a lot of his course work" is criminal.

I don't know why everyone is leaping on you OP. I too know that my kids had better educational outcomes because of the support I provided. I live in a deprived London Borough and very few of my children's friends have had the educational outcomes that they have achieved. Both DC's realise that they are unusual and have said so. I won't take their achievements for myself, or ever say it out loud to anyone, but I know had I not advocated for them and supported them, their outcomes would have been entirely different. I am proud of them both, their successes are their own - and I am happy to have been able to be a part of it along the way.

You need to read the OPs recent threads.

Then you'll understand why people are pushing back on this narrative.

Haven't read the full thread but my goodness the batshit brigade are out in force tonight.

I get it, OP. You're proud of him and I imagine that knowing you played a part in his success by opening up his horizons and coaching him is rewarding, maybe the way it is for teachers.

Quite agree. I think you can be pleased with the positive effect you've had on his life and knowing that he is where he is partly because of you.

You have to think it silently though and not take his shine away, although I am sure you won’t do that.

Excuse me??? My husband hasn’t done coke in donkey years (before we met!)

Well done to your step son. I love hearing about young people doing well and achieving.

Of course you should be proud. Children are a reflection of their environment and you have helped create a wonderful one for him. Obviously it's down to the individual child but children who have support usually do better.

She's not muscling in. She's just quietly celebrating her own contribution somewhere where he will never find out about it. Well done, OP, you're perfectly entitled to give yourself a quiet clap on the back.

I think though it's how it's expressed, and doing it on results day, that comes across as making it about her.

Today is the day for saying how proud of HIM, celebrating HIS achievement.

If in a week or sos time she'd said that she was so proud of how far he'd come and how supporting him had really helped him achieve that, then I'd agree with you.

“I’m the one who sat with him to write and revise his personal statement.”

Well done you. Did you sign it too?

Really surprised that the OP admits to "helping" with DSS's course work, when she has a Masters in it. I do hope that she will come clean with the school/uni. And of course the personal statement.

You played a part, as did everyone else that supported him, including the teachers who taught him. No-one ever achieves anything in isolation, but the achievement is ultimately his.

It depends on the level of 'help'. If it was akin to hiring a tutor in that subject, that's fine; if it was basically doing the work for him, that's obviously far from fine.

She admits to "checking his course work". Which is cheating. No mention of a tutor. No wonder she wants the glory. It seems the DSS got into a RGU on the basis of fraud. Something we have been fighting for so many years, but still it happens.

Yes YABU in my view. Gracious thing to do is help people without having the ego or need to pat ourselves on the back. Humility is a great quality. Some of the phrases here like you didn’t have to, or how uneducated his Mum and Dad are, just don’t sit well. Are you going to claim every success the lad has herein is down to you? Success in any event comes in many forms. It’s not all to do with academia.

If you boast and take credit IRL like this OP it isn’t a good look. Your DM and DH didn’t credit you unprompted as you say at one point you said to them about your starring role in the lads success plus they may know you need ego massaged. Be quietly proud but it’s his time, his ultimate success and everything he does hereafter is not yours to take credit for.

Yes be proud that you stepped up and did what good parents do.