To think our DSs achievement is a lot down to me?

[Stayinganontoday]

I know it’s all his hard work, but I did a lot of the encouragement on the side.

For context he’s the first in his family to get into uni. His parents just finished secondary school and (and so did the previous generations).

Before I entered his life (he’s technically my stepson) he only aspired to get his GCSEs and go into social care.

Today he got his results and he’s going to a Russell Group uni.

Im extremely proud of him, but I also think he wouldn’t have don’t it without me. So AIBU for being so proud of myself? (and him obviously!)

I had every single confidence he wasn’t going to.

Even a couple days ago they started talking about clearing and I said that obviously there was not going to be any need for it!

But what if he had? Are you only going to claim the good news and not the bad?

How old was he when you first met?

Before anyone gets too hot under the collar on this one probably best to read the OPs other thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554671-aibu-to-want-to-stay

Their thinking is, ahem... interesting, to say the least.

I can hear my toxic mother's voice:

"How could you let me down like that? After all I've done for you...".

Yes, in part! My step mum was a good role model for me, as neither of my parents went to uni. I do feel it was a team effort with her and my mum (my mum was the one day to day dealing with me) but my step mum actually helped me so much with the practical side of uni applications ect. You should be proud of yourself and of him.

He was 11 but we really only bonded when he was 14. Ironically through coursework

Well considering his dad steals your medication for a large part then yes it's down to you that he's not following his dad's footsteps.

The comments are funny because on every middle class vs working class kids everyone shouts how having engaged, involved, active, educated parents DOES make a massive difference and it IS a privilege. Suddenly this is not the case anymore . 🙄

@Lynxie hmmmm

I get you OP, you’re not his parent.

I remember feeling the same when we were foster carers and one of ours we managed to get into uni. Huge deal (less than 500 looked after children go to university compared to 46% of ‘normal’ 18 year olds) and an enormous amount down to DH who was a teacher and me helping them.

It took literally thousands of hours over the years above ‘parenting’. No one in their birth family had even had a job, never mind go to post 16 education.

I’d be very careful here. I was pushed into revising and going to uni as the first in my family. I hated uni and did enough to get a degree but don’t use it now. My parents still believe they did the right thing but the pressure of needing to complete was extra with the weight of the first in the family “pride.” I would look at it as you having given your DS support to achieve his potential but he could well have done it without as he is clearly capable so this is his win.

I would also think about why you feel this is so important compared to your DHs family education. Uni is great for some, but not all. Is your husband not successful? I know many people who didn’t bother with uni and earn easy 6 figures.

Your whole situation sounds immensely fucked up. Hopefully the poor kid goes to university and never comes back to see any of you again!

I think it’s weird that you feel you want the validation of your own success via him!

Congratulations to this bright young man, and best of luck to him. Having people around to support and encourage him in many different ways has given him opportunities to thrive. Being part of the team around him, including parents who have nurtured him in their own ways, grandparents, teachers and others you have played a part in raising his aspirations, so enjoy celebrating with him. Well done to every young person who has got the results they hoped for today, and extra love for those who feel disappointed in theirs, there are many more ways to measure success in life xx

Yes, your child’s achievement is ultimately down to them. However, having supportive parents makes it much easier for them to achieve. There is a reason a lot more people from higher income families attend university than those from lower income groups and it’s not just down to income. Good parental support can overcome some of the disadvantages of lower income families.

My dc all attended uni. They all worked extremely hard and did very well. However, I read to them from a young age. There were always books in the house. We did lots of enriching extra curricular activities, not because we were pushing them but because we enjoyed it. If they needed extra help with subjects in school, they got it. I arranged unpaid work placements for them in careers they were interested in.

So yeah, their achievements were down to then and I give them full credit but they were extremely lucky to live in an environment that fostered and encouraged achievement.

It sounds like the op’s stepson was lucky to have her support and was able to realise his potential once he saw it as an option. I don’t see anything wrong with her feeling a little proud of her role in his success so long as she doesn’t say it out loud.

OP - you should have probably mentioned in your op that you obviously are not saying anything about your pride in your role in his success.

By all means feel proud. You took on a stepkid and did a goof job of parenting them from the sounds of it.

It doesn't sound like you're raining on his parade, and mumsnet is a good place to air thoughts that you know shouldn't be public.

As a teacher, I'm very aware that parental support makes a huge difference. I'd never ever congratulate a parent in front of their child for their successes, but definitely have had a few where I have.thought they made a huge difference to their children, and equally there have been a couple over the years that I have felt sadly dragged their child down (not necessarily anything they could avoid).

So feel proud. You did a good thing. I am proud for my part in my Y13's sucesses this year (and yes, for a couple I wonder if I could/should have done more) and I don't think that takes away from my pride in the hard work that they have put in.

I always claim the star* on DD1's A at GCSE RE because I did so much revision with her. Please note that this is entirely a joke between us and she now has a better grade than me at the degree we both did (not RE!)

OP parental support is one of the biggest contributors to academic success, but I'd keep these thoughts to yourself (especially as he is not your DS but your DSS). Well done to him - he's the real credit here.

That's what good parents do. It os neither remarkable nor worthy of comment.

My DC went to Oxford and Cambridge. Support and love helped but they possessed the raw intellect, sat the exams and uswd the right techniques independently to get the grades. Their achievement entirely. My reward is to be proud of them and glad for them.

Still have had them in my arms sobbing their hearts put when they've been dumped.

Often in life we need someone who helps us to flourish, to show us other opportunities.

When I was a teen I had a couple of people who showed and helped me realise I didnt have to do what was 'expected' of me. And years on I get a warm glow thinking about them.

So I thank you for being that person who has helped them to flourish and are moving onto new experiences that may not have otherwise been encouraged.
Obviously you can't say anything aloud. But you know you supported him.

I think its calling him our son that has put people's backs up add to that the admission that shes only really had a relationship with him since he was 14 and no mention of any help or support that his actual mum gave him or even how often she sees him.
Its all about op and how he'd never have gotten the results without her

Mentioning Russell group just makes you sound like snob.
Be happy that you have a positive relationship with him, and you have given him the support to flourish.
That alone should be enough.

I know you are a step parent but you basically have done what I'd consider "standard" for a supportive parent. So I don't see that you have anything to be proud of any more than cooking him meals and providing him with a roof over his head is worthy of being proud of. and you really shouldn't have been checking his coursework

But I may be biased because my parents like to claim a share of achievement in absolutely everything I do, and it's pretty insulting.

We support. We give advice. We guide in the direction that develops the child into the best person they can be. We breathe a sigh of relief at their accomplishments. What we don’t do is put ourselves up front and centre and detract from their successes.

YANBU but don’t say it out loud and don’t expect him or anyone else to say it. They may sometime but don’t be disheartened if noone ever says that.

You’re not the Main Character today OP. Take a seat.