To think our DSs achievement is a lot down to me?

[Stayinganontoday]

I know it’s all his hard work, but I did a lot of the encouragement on the side.

For context he’s the first in his family to get into uni. His parents just finished secondary school and (and so did the previous generations).

Before I entered his life (he’s technically my stepson) he only aspired to get his GCSEs and go into social care.

Today he got his results and he’s going to a Russell Group uni.

Im extremely proud of him, but I also think he wouldn’t have don’t it without me. So AIBU for being so proud of myself? (and him obviously!)

You don’t know what they think privately to themselves. OP isn’t saying anything about this to her stepson.

I find it interesting that when he has done well you feel you can take credit and be “proud” of yourself, but when your daughter did not so well you don’t take responsibility for that as “thats on her, nothing more I could do”.

Astonishing, isn't it? Every time OP posts she confirms what she is.

but obviously I can’t talk about these things with anyone, so the best place is here.

@Stayinganontoday Obviously at some point you have been able to, because you claimed in another post that several members of the family have acknowledged your contribution, probably to prevent a meltdown from you on your son's special day.

What's changed?

Is their acknowledgement not enough for you? Have you kicked off at "how ungrateful" they are?

Have they had a bucket full of your attention seeking behaviour and told you to shut up?

Is that why you can't to talk to anyone about it?

Is that why you've come here looking for acknowledgement of your amazingness?

It's not working out well for you, is it?

Let him claim the credit. You don't need to try and shine.

Well I gave her all the tools and she kicked them. She simply was not interested. I understand why she reacted that way. The scenarios are completely different though.

Like seriously!

what meltdown? You don’t know me and are only projecting your experiences with your toxic parents.

Toxic mother. Dad was a great father, but unfortunately a victim of her abuse.

One thing mother did teach me was how limited narcissistic language is. You have pretty much exhausted it in your posts on here.

I’d like to think a lot of my son’s A in Scottish higher English was down to me as I took one look at his coursework essay and completely rewrote it. He got a very high mark for this component which dragged his grade up. Do I feel guilty? Nah. He needed 5 x A to apply for his computer science degree and he was made to take English by his school (most Scottish secondary schools do) when those doing A levels for computer science would be allowed to just do stem A levels.

The Green’s here think that we should do away with exams entirely and just use coursework. They’re totally clueless though and have no idea that this would just mean middle class kids get straight As as parents / tutors shoulder the work. Idiots.

You are a truly unique stepmother. Your achievement is so much more than his achievement - here, on MN we see some stepmothers begrudging their step-children soft fruit - yes, honestly! And you gave him confidence, a chance of a better life, and a university place! You know that sometimes coaches are better than parents for making sure children will succeed in life - they give more of a shit about children, than biological parents do. Well, you are like one of those coaches. Congratulations and well done!

Why would I waste my words with you?

Your feelings are valid and none of us can deny them.

What doesn't make sense to me , ( and I came from a conventional family setup, if relevant here), is I cannot imagine my mum would have said when I got A levels and professional exams etc, I don't think she would ever have said that 'she's proud of herself ".

What she did to support and encourage me was natural, she couldn't have stopped if she'd tried.It was unforced. It didn't cause any feeling of pride any more than feeling proud for putting a plate of scrambled eggs and beans on toast down for me and my brother at tea time made her feel proud. It's what parents do..

Only you can answer for certain, but I suspect it's for attention, which you seem to need like the rest of us need oxygen.

We know role models are very important in encouraging young people to raise their aspirations.

You would be a bit of a knob to go on about it on results day but I think it’s more than ok to clock your contribution and as far raising it on an anonymous chatboard like MN it doesn’t bother me at all.

Individual academic success takes a village sometimes and why shouldn’t the villagers give themselves a discreet pat on the back?

This doesn't come off well.
Presumably if he ever does anything wrong or isn't a success in life that's also down to you? He worked hard and got results.

Most people's parents encourage their kids to aspire to a bit beyond stopping education at 16 and working minimum wage permanently, but they're not asking for medals. That's just being a reasonable parent.

Of course, but having spoken to them about it over the 40 years since secondary school I’ve got a good sense of their views. I’m confident they don’t claim that my achievements are theirs, any more than I claim (to myself or others) those of my children, nieces or friends’ children who I’ve also supported and mentored through their education, careers or other milestones.

In our very particular set up neither my DH has any parental obligation/expectation with my daughter nor I have with his DC. Whatever we do for them is out of free will so to speak.

That is what parents do. Because you love your child and want the best for them.

Nobody has an obligation, it’s just being a decent person to take an interest and support children who live in the same household, surely? And you’ve done that, which is great, but you seem to think you’re quite special for not being an ignorant stepmother. It’s quite unusual.

This is a weird take on your Dstepson doing well. It is normal to support, encourage and help our children or stepchildren in their life endeavours. He sat the exams though so honestly, all the glory is his.

🥇 here’s your medal

Do you seriously think you’re the first and only parent to have done this?!

Good grief. What you're describing is called parenting. I help my kids with application forms, CVs, personal statements etc if they need it. It's pretty normal.

He's not "technically" your step son. He is your step son
It's great what you did. But you are still.his stepmother and his mother is his mother.

We each bring different things to a child's life. And yes you can feel proud that you helped him when you didn't have to. But he couldn't have got there without working hard himself.

But don't try and minimise his mother's role in his life by implying that his "step" relationship to you is a mere technicality. I am a mother and a step mother and I find these linguistic attempts to minimise the mothers role really odd.

I think this is the crux of the issue. You wouldn't generally see yourself in this role with his DC and given all you have done for him, ( which is of course great and very admirable), you now feel that you should be taking pride in helping with something that most bio mothers don't see as worthy of taking pride in.

I actually don’t believe in the “step” terminology. Just like our children call each other brother / sister and not step brother / sister.