To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

He has had a truly shit 2 years. Dont punish him for that.

when he is back sit him down and talk about how maybe now is the right time for him to access some support to help him deal with everything. Come up with a plan together.

No you do not ‘punish’ him like this. These festivals are a rite of passage. Let him at least have that

This.

I can’t see any benefit to stopping him going to the festival, nobody is going to feel good and you’d be closing down communication lines with a firm hand.

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team

your boyfriend?
not his father

what a nasty twat

This poor boy.

He is hurting and acting it out. Has anyone listened to how he feels? He has lost his father and can’t see his siblings which is so sad. Your partner is being far too hard.

I would let him go to Reading regardless

Agreed.

I would also be considering if having your “partner” in his life was going to be a positive thing or add even more problems for the poor lad.

Your partner needs to back off.

Gcse's are not a one time offer. He can take them later on at a college.

He is young enough to take some time out from the stress of it all and come back to it in a year or so with a clearer head.

Education will always be there for him. Maybe he has other more important needs right now.

Your partner is spiteful. If he fails, that's punishment enough, although it sounds a bit like he has been in self destruct mode for a while, which is understandable given what he's gone through.

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room
Your partner sounds horrible.

What good will it do to stop him going? The exams have already passed. Losing any parent but particularly a same sex parent as a teen is a huge huge event. No wonder he’s gone off the rails a bit and sees some things as pointless. You know differently as an adult of course but his grief may be so raw he’s just not able to apply himself. Gently try again with the offer and counselling and try to keep line of communication open.

Your DP has a lot to say about a child who has lost his dad. Sod the bloody GCSEs. He can resit them when he's good and ready to if necessary.

Why is it always a dickhead DP making a bad situation much worse for everyone? Into the bin with all of them.

No, you shouldn't ban him from Leeds festival. You can't 'punish' him with unrelated privilege loss. He's almost an adult. All that does is drive him away. The natural consequence of him failing his exams is that he has failed his exams. That's enough!! Now you support him to work out what next. Be a person he trusts is in his corner, no matter what. Show him how to regroup and work out his next move.

He is almost an adult. You need to work very hard on being a person that this angry, confused and grieving young man chooses to trust as a young adult. Punishment is not it.

Your DP is unreasonable.
Your son is having a really tough time, all on top of puberty which sends teenage brains haywire too .

I would consider going to the festival with him, not to hang around with him, but to be on site in case of a problem (although only with his agreement). I would also insist on impeccable behaviour between now and the event. Chores done when asked, polite communication with family, etc

Good luck!

He's had an awful two years with his Dad dying on top of the pressure of GCSEs and he sounds miserable.

Your partner sounds horrible and deeply unsympathetic to a teenage boy who is struggling.

For Christ's sake don't punish him for struggling in life by banning him from Leeds Fest as well.

Your partner hopes he gets kicked off the team, why??? To teach him a lesson? Get rid of your partner and support your child who is clearly really struggling. Poor boy

Good grief, what on EARTH is your partner doing saying things like that to your son? It's not his place to allow your son to go or not.
If passing GCSEs was a condition of your son being allowed to go to the festival, that should have been made by clear to DS well before the exams. To dump that on him as a late punishment is awful. Consequences need to be clear and related to the "crime", not arbitrarily thrown in when it's too late for the child to change the outcome.

No way should you stop him from going. He has had the most awful time. I'd say we'll talk about next steps once he's back, and not let your partner get involved. In fact I'd ditch the partner. Good luck!

Are you sure your partner isn't part of the reason your child is like this?

Poor kid. I would be worried about him getting in trouble while he's there, but I would let him go. It's a rite of passage and something he and his mates will still talk about when they're ancient (if they're anything like me and my mates).

I'd suggest some kind of ultimatum that if he gets in trouble you'll... whatever. Cut off funds, turn off the WiFi, whatever works. And then try very hard to get him some counselling he'll interact with and get him back on track, never it sounds like he's taken the last two years very hard (unsurprisingly) and he needs more help.

So you are deciding now that if he fails his exams, which he sat a few months ago, that he can’t go to the festival in a few weeks time. It makes no sense. Dishing out a consequence that he wasn’t aware of and can do nothing now to change the outcome.

Your son has lost his Dad suddenly and also not allowed to see his half siblings any more. That’s a lot for a teenager to deal with without having to contend with what sounds like a bully of a step-dad. Is there anyone to advocate for your son at all ?

Jesus.

what have I just read.

DP wouldn’t be my “dp” given his opinion. 2 years wouldn’t scratch the surface of grief for such a significant loss.

The bit that bothers me most is your partner telling him he can’t go seemingly without discussing it with you first. WTF?

I would remind your partner he is not DS’ parent and that wasn’t his call to make, and yes, I’d let DS go to the festival, absolutely. Poor lad has had an awful few years.