To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

This is just awful. Only two years after his father has passed there is a strange man in the house thinking he has the right to parent him, at nearly 17 years old no less. If I was him in this situation I’d be counting down the days to move out.

Your new partner has absolutely no right to a say in anything relating to your son OP. Put a stop to that ASAP or I fear you won’t have much of a relationship with him in the future.

Is there someone from his rugby club (I don’t know what level he is playing at) that could mentor him? A senior player that’s not involved with his team? My kids have played rugby and I’ve coached and sometimes someone that a kid can look up to can be of massive benefit. Also with coaching kids within the club, it could give him a bit of a sense of purpose and younger kids love the older ones coaching.

YABU and your partner is an absolute twat.

I was your DS. My dad died when I was 15, I had a SHIT couple of years and messed up my GCSEs. I was in an absolute agony of grief that I couldn't process, not matter who 'talked' to me, I was failing at everything, I went from a quiet, trouble-free teen to someone...else, and it took me years to get back to a pathway that made sense.

Do NOT punish your son. GCSEs are retaken all the time if he needs to. Education doesn't just happen in one fell swoop, it can - and should - be accessed freely and flexibly.

Your partner sounds fucking horrible. Why in God's name would you put up with someone being so dismissive of your child? I strongly suspect that there's more your poor son is putting up with, having to share his life with a bullying arsehole.

Hang on, your partner says you are undermining him if you make a decision about YOUR son that he doesn't agree with?

Partner sounds like a resentful vindictive bully with no empathy for the terrible time your DS has been having at a really vulnerable age.

I sincerely hope your partner does not live with you and that you prioritise your son's needs and wellbeing after this arsehole.

Your boy is hurting. Stop listening to your nasty partner and support your child. In answer to your question, yes you would be very very unreasonable to hurt him further. Poor kid

I absolutely would NOT stop him going to the festival, as others have pointed out, this consequence for failing his exams was not given at a point in time where it could affect the outcome.

So now this would simply be revenge for failing. That isn't something that teaches anyone something useful. It would really damage your relationship with him.

I'd tell him of COURSE he is going to the festival, however his behaviour and conduct there may affect future trips, so he does need to behave sensibly.

I would also tell your 'D'P that if he ever oversteps like that again he can fuck off, or in fact just fuck him off, how dare he go behind your back and drop a pointless bombshell on your (and his) relationship with YOUR kid.

I don't think considering the possiblity that losing his place on the rugby team might eventually be a good thing IS that awful - it'd be a direct consequence of his behaviour. But hoping that he does is pretty nasty.

Poor lad. He’s had a shit couple of years and acting it out in his behaviour. Maybe if he fails his GCSEs it’ll be a wake up call and he can retake. Def led him go to the festival.

That poor kid. Let him have some fun! He sounds like he’s had a shit ride. You can do GCSEs at literally any age. I only got 3 GCSEs c and above, no A levels, and I still went on to do uni and have a great job. It’s not the best all and end all like some parents seem to think it is.

This is so true

The fact OPs partner laid the law down with her son whilst she was absent is appalling. It's completely clear DS has had an appalling life shock and needs to know he has anchors...which is you OP.

Talk to him about the fighting, Kevin Sinfield and his reaction to trauma, the danger if he blows up his rugby career through lack of control...honestly you've got the best in to teach him....his love of rugby...so many examples of rugby heroes finding a way through adversity ...help him see a positive way out

Help him see and YOU see that anger is distress

I have to agree with the others. Your dp was way out of line and has forced you to undermine him by overstepping and being a dick.

My godson lost his dad at a similar age and went through a very turbulent few years but is now doing great. His mum very sensibly kept her eyes on the big picture, which was helping him to feel secure and loved and invested in his own future. GCSE results are simply not the priority right now. And Leeds festival is a huge rite of passage - he won't forget if he's not allowed to go.

Apologies, just re read this and you need to lose the partner. Your son has lost his dad and siblings. Sod the GCSE’s, send him to Leeds. It’s nothing to do with your partner.

The actual FUCK?

You're putting 'undermining' your arsehole partner before what you KNOW is right for your own child? Stand WITH your son, stand UP for your son. He needs you. How you support him during these hard, hard years will matter for the rest of his life.

Let’s just hope this is is just a bored person in a darkened room wondering how to inject some excitement in to her life by making up crap on Mumsnet
We can but hope

I hope so too @Quitedark but there are many women who 'put cock over kids' and @PrinceHood may easily be one of those.

The "punishment" for poor GCSE results is poor GCSE results. That's it. Not that a bereaved child needs punishment.

Was he told before he sat the exams that passing them well was a condition of going to the festival.

Was he told when he was buying his ticket/s that going was dependent on the results of his GCSE's.

What were the plans for Sept - A Levels ?
if so - where

was his current school prepared to have him for another 2 years on a bursary

What will happen if his results are poor ?

I suspect he will need to resist his GCSE's - where ?
is the current school prepared to allow him to repeat a year ?

YOU have a lot to consider, but the main consideration is do you support your son
or your ' partner ' are you married to the partner ?

Rugby - is it school he plays for a professional team

is he good enough to play professionally

Has a team expressed an interest in him for when he is 18 etc.

Is his bursary a sports bursary or one out of kindness due to the death of his father ?

I know this is going to sound quite harsh and I’m sorry about that but here we go - TBH it sounds like the adults in this boy’s life are letting him down really badly. His father died when he was 15 - he’s an adolescent and he’s grieving. An adult might find an offer of counselling helpful but he sounds like a teenage boy who is overwhelmed and hurting. I know I’m making assumptions here but did he feel able to talk about his father’s death at home with you (the ex-wife/partner) and a stepfather who, from your post, comes across as an intolerant bully? Both of his stepparents seem to enjoy bullying him! As his mother, I’m afraid you sound very passive. Why do you find it hard to prioritise him? He might be behaving like a total shit but there are a load of factors here, not least that both home and school seem to be thinking he should be ‘over it’ by now, should be grateful and go back to being a good student PDQ or be written off. Can you say when was the last time you made him feel good about something that he’d done or achieved?

Your dp is a nasty bastard and has overstepped the mark by telling him he can't go.

Your poor, poor son. His life was been turned upside down with his dad dying, 2 years is far too soon to expect him to be over it.

Back your son here and tell your dp to stick to his lane. Your son needs you to be in his corner.
How long has your dp been throwing hie weight around when it comes to discipline?

Poor lad. The last thing he needs is more upset.
Please don’t use this as a life lesson for him - he can always retake GCSEs in college.

Immediately post-GCSE is peak Leeds fest ‘rite of passage’ age.
He can’t get that time back by going another year.
Pack him off with a big safety lecture and deal with the other stuff when he’s let off steam.
(There are charity workers on-site providing safe spaces at Leeds if he needs help or non judgemental time out).
Wishing you both the best at this difficult time.

Your partner needs to fuck off.

@marmitegirl01 These festivals are a rite of passage

No they're not.

Your partner has no right to discipline your DS. Tell part er to back off and leave any punishments to you. If he fails that is punishment enough.

Did you know your P was an overbearing bully who resents your child before this incident, or is it news to you? And in which case, what happens now? Does your poor son have to live with this fucker?

Stuck to your instincts @PrinceHood let you Ds go and enjoy himself and tell your DP to eff off your DS had the right idea .