To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

Ok they’re not then. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah i think yabu sorry

My DH’s dad was ill from when he was 10 and he eventually died due to his illness when my DH was 21. My DH also got an injury during his a-levels and did much worse than he should have done. He’s gone on to do really well and is the CEO of a company. He rarely talks about the impact his dad’s illness and death has on him but I have no doubt it was really tough as academically he was incredibly bright.

Your son has had a hard few years. He’s lost his dad, lost his siblings, he’s probably using sport as an outlet for his grief. I agree with sitting and talking to him and being supportive but I wouldn’t punish him. You see a lot of teens struggling with their mental health and deciding they can’t continue on. He shouldn’t take the piss but I think you have to be there and give him a lot of support rather than punishment at the moment.

Stop allowing your partner to butt in - your partner is undermining your parenting by inventing punishments that you have not agreed

It is a ridiculous idea to suddenly announce a punishment that your DS can't influence the outcome of

For fucks sake, the poor kid. I’d pack him off to Leeds with a pack on the back, £100 quid and tell him to have a blast.

Your partner sounds awful.

Unless you originally said him going was contingent on him passing, this is unfair now as there’s nothing he can do about it.

Are you close to Leeds to get him if he needs you? He needs to know you’ve got his back and if he gets into a situation at the festival you are there for him. Deal with anything else in September.

Your partner needs to back off.

You have to get rid of that awful partner of yours. You are everything your son has left, he needs to be your focus. Your partner is actively trying to make sure that yours and your son’s relationship gets damaged. He cannot be around your son.

It’s quite shocking that you think having this partner is a good idea.

So, at the very least your partner is a complete tosser.

if your dad had died at 15 would you not have gone off of the rails slightly?

fuck sake. What a pair. You and your partner are very well suited.

when I was in school I was in top sets at school, year 10 I did well but in year 11 it went to pot. My mom was in a dv relationship, he used to call me to listen to my mom’s screams. It was horrific, anyway, I failed all my GCSEs and remember sitting in McDonald’s and just cried my eyes out.
I went college and did a level 2 course and Re did my maths and English as functional skills. I ended up working a bog end job but worked by way up to manager level but it was still low pay, was like £1 more.

Anyway. I’m now 31 years old, successful in my career, I went back to college at 24 to study, and then did my degree level course at 29, I’m thriving in my career and just brought a house.

Don’t punish your son. I think it’s a ridiculous system expecting people to know what they want to do at age 16 to prepare them for university anyway.

Your partner saying you will undermine him if you allow him to go but he undermined you by not having that conversation with yourself there and ultimately going behind your back.

No he sounds like he’s had a really horrible time past few years he lost half his family in a few years. I would expect him to behave appropriately whilst attending and make a reserve plan for bad results but give him some down time. Your partner should probably not be butting in so much right now it’s not as if he paid the fees he sounds like he’s antagonised a traumatised teen and is being controlling but only you would know if that’s the dynamic. If your sons not receptive to him then he shouldn’t be trying to parent him he’s nearly grown up now!
You and your son decide what happens next.

Your partner is disgusting. He is a grieving teenager acting as thousands of grieving teenagers do. It’s a miracle he has done his exams let alone expect him to get top marks. As for his behaviour on the rugby trip, not ideal but where was the pastoral care when it was needed before it got to that stage? That boy has been failed by the adults around him. And you are talking of trashing his summer holiday?

Talk to him, he’s very young and gone through a very traumatic experience. Don’t be too harsh. I’d let him go but explain that he had to knuckle down come September. Hopefully he can do retakes. If you punish him too hard it will push him further away from you. Is there a grandparent or aunt/uncle who he could talk to. Good luck.

This in spades. What a cunt.

My father died during my exams, so I was 16. No way should your ds be punished. You don’t just get over parental death at this age. I completely fell to pieces 5 years later and nearly failed my degree.

Your son has already lost his dad and then his siblings. He does not need your partner stepping in as a replacement father figure, starting arguments and trying to discipline him.

That’s only going to push him further away. You should be the one setting boundaries — not your DP.

GCSEs can be resat. They’re not the end of his future. He’s been grieving for two years and his education took the hit. That’s understandable.

Rugby is his outlet. It’s the one thing he’s clung to since his dad died. If he used to play or watch rugby with his father, it makes complete sense that it’s where he feels closest to him.

Hoping he gets kicked off the team is cruel — it removes the only coping mechanism he has left.

As for Leeds Fest, I don’t think banning him is the answer. He’s already isolated, angry and grieving. Taking away something he’s looking forward to will just make him feel punished again. Let him go, but set clear expectations around behavior and safety.

He needs support and stability, not more restrictions and conflict.

Your partner needs to step back. Your son needs you, not another man trying to “parent” him into line.

Your partner has no say in parenting your child.

If he feels 'undermined' then that is his own fault for deciding to tell your son he couldn't go to Leeds Fest. That was not his decision to make and not his place to stick his bloody beak in. He is NOT your child's dad.

Your son would be greatly helped by you telling this partner to fuck right off (for good). It's bad enough that your son lost his own dad without having to deal with a step-twat like this. Your partner is nasty.

It sounds like your DS had had a terrible 2 years. My DDs are in the same boat - their DF sadly died just over 2yrs ago

And now you're angry at him!! Your DS has been coping as best he could. Don't blame him for anything. It's not surprising that he didn't try or care. He probably feels terribly guilty but doesn't want to admit it and he's letting out all his emotions physically on the rugby pitch
(remember when you and his dad split? how did you feel then?)

It's too late to do anything about GCSEs so you should let your son go to the festival. Remind him that you love him and encourage him to be safe. And look for some counselling for him!!

More importantly: does he have a place for A levels somewhere? If so, focus on how you can help him make the most of that and plan for university/apprenticeship/gap year. If not, can he find a place helping in sport somewhere? Lots of schools need likely lads to facilitate sports.

A colleague's DH died just over a year ago and her DS is struggling with anxiety: counselling 2x/week and loads of repetitive behaviours and can't sleep at night.

you are being totally unreasonable. I do feel it’s bizarre you are giving your partner so much control over your son at this early stage.

I don’t know your partner, but I feel like I really really hate him

Christ the poor lad. Your partner is an utter wanker

Eurrgh.

What an odious man.

My DF died when I was the same age as your DS. I don’t remember much of those secondary school years after. I was heartbroken but hid it, struggled with school work, friendships, exams, hormones etc.. it was the worst time ever.
You need to prioritise your son’s mental health and well being right now, I would also be questioning my choice of DP if I was you! Let him go to Leeds without a doubt.

Why are you allowing your 'D' P to treat your son like this , to be honest partner sounds an arse , let the poor lad go he's been through enough

Your son is almost an adult and you think it’s ok to stop him attending a concert if he doesn’t do well. Get rid of your partner. He sounds vile

Why is your horrible boyfriend being so cunty to your son?
What good will it do if you ban him from going to Leeds?
Your boy has had an awful couple of years. Lost his dad and has survived it through rugby. Your boyfriend hopes he gets kicked off the team?
Maybe he could come up with some even more cruel and unusual punishments for your son?