To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

You both sound vile. I’m glad he told your partner to fuck off.

Nobody’s future is made nor ruined on the basis of GCSE results. It’s not THAT big a deal. Academic progress may be delayed, that’s all.

A teenage boy has had to face up to his father’s death and his fractured family. And you and your boyfriend want to hurt him even more.

You should be bloody ashamed of yourselves. How utterly cruel.

Your partner has undermined you !

And now he is worried about you undermining him???

If the festival was a condition of good gcses you should have told him before he took them. What is the point of telling him now??

This is all so wrong, your partner sounds like a bully and has set your son up to fail

You are your Sons only parent. Hes had a horrific time and will have a lot if trauma. Be there for him no matter what. That may well include leaving your partner

He is grieving - up to his poor neck in grief after the loss of his father: None of this is a choice despite what you and your boyfriend think! He is a young adult trying to navigate his feelings whilst going through a pressure cooker of academic challenges. Give him a fucking break and support him!

I do understand your concerns for your son with the festival and how vulnerable he is. I think you have to let him go - it's a rite of passage, he will hopefully get a wake up call about his behaviour too. Two years is nothing post losing a father as a child, I'd cut him some serious slack.

Partner seems to be overstepping his boundaries, imo.

my thoughts exactly

Agreed. Def let your son go to the festival. And try and untangle yourself from your partner. He sounds truly awful.

Well he did the exams a while ago so I can't see the point of banning him from the festival. He sounds like he needs a lot of support not people going on and on again him. Give him a break. He's only a kid.

It appeared to me that you were intending to side with your partner and stop DS going to the festival.

That's how it read to me

You seem very down on your son

That's how it reads to me

And yet he needs help not censure

What on Earth gives your partner who doesn't live with you, and has no parental responsibility for your son, the right to suggest such a thing and then proceed to tell your son that that is what is happening?!
Absolutely crazy. Disrespectful of you and cruel to your son. Can't believe you're seriously considering this.

His mental health more important than exam grades which can be taken again. He’s gone through so much in last couple of years. Let him go. Your DP needs to back off completely. To have Mum’s boyfriend try and act like his Dad is not on. Too many young people harm themselves and worse over exams, and that’s not even losing a parent and half siblings on top. There’s no wrong door to success and no time limit on or right way to grieve. Support his mental health first and the rest will fall into place. He’ll also remember his Mum was really understanding during worst time of his life.

Have not RTFT but

Your partner sounds like a dick and clearly hates your son.

Your son has lost his dad at the most vulnerable age - 14. No wonder he's struggled hugely during the stressful GCSE period. Thank the lord he has a passion for rugby as otherwise he may drown.
Let him go to Leeds - he needs it.

And ditch the dickhead boyfriend who is clearly trying to drive you and your son apart.

This too.

I understand why you’re interpreting responses on this thread as ‘abuse’ but I think people are being a bit ‘cruel to be kind’ - they’re genuinely shocked by the lack of empathy you and your partner are showing a child who had lost his dad and his siblings. They’re trying to protect you from losing your son once he’s an adult and looks back on how he was treated, and understands you chose a partner over standing up for him.

and the replies are still coming because you haven’t actually said you’re NOT going to go ahead with this weird punishment that your son didn’t know about when he could have taken any action.

This.

Your partner has absolutely no say in this and shouldn’t be giving his opinion, let alone insulting your son.

Let your son go to the festival and tell your partner to keep his opinions to himself about parenting DS.

This. But it may also take time for him to be ready to take these steps. It could be really hard for him to access his feelings and rationalise what's going on. The best thing you can do is to let him know you are there for him. GCSEs aren't the be all and end all (easy to say, I know). Plenty of people mess up their schooling and find another way through. It's important that he comes through it feeling loved, supported and that he can piece his future together when he is ready.

And being cut off from his siblings is cutting him off from those he currently has most in common with. Is there no way back from this?

Your partner is vastly overstepping and if you're supporting him then shame on you. Your son has had a dreadful two years. He's not coping well but he's a child, why is your partner deciding when and how he should be punished? You need to talk to your DS and keep talking. He needs to behave or he may lose his rugby team place. If he thinks he could make a career around sport that might encourage him to knuckle down.

Unless you had made passing his GCSEs the condition for going to the Leeds festival some time back when he had enough time to revise and make a difference, this seems really very unfair to me.

Why has your DP taken it upon himself to impose these conditions without first consulting you?

How long has DP been in your son’s life? Unless since he was so small he has grown up regarding him as a father for discipline purposes I think he needs to be taken out of the equation when it comes to the communication of disciplinary measures to your son, given the death of his own father.

I think you need to ensure you and your son are communicating well so that he comes right in the end, and that your son knows he is more important than your partner to you. There will be retake opportunities, this isn’t the end of everything but your son has had to endure the worse thing that could possibly happen to him so clearly is going to need a lot of support and it doesn’t sound like your DP is the right person to offer that.

Absolutely don’t do this. His qualifications aren’t about rewarding you.

You posted on here for opinions. No vote but I reckon 100% telling you it's wrong.
Listen to what people are saying.

I can't believe you are allowing this man any say in disciplining your son. It has nothing to do with him. Tell him to back off or it's over. He will ruin your relationship with your boy, if you allow this to continue.

You need to be having serious words with your “partner”. He is not your child’s father and you have allowed him to think that setting punishments is his job - fix that mistake of yours for a start. He is undermining and interfering with your parenting of your child and quite frankly hasn’t got a clue. All the while trying to emotionally manipulate you into getting his own way by claiming that if you go against his dreadful balls-up that you’ll be the one undermining him?! He’s an absolute shit and you need to step in and lay down the law. He did this behind your back, without your consent and that is unforgivable in my book. Your child should always be your priority and this man does not have yours or your son’s best interest at heart.

Your son has had a horrendous two years and GCSEs aren’t the be all and end all of life. Losing a parent and siblings all in one go is unimaginable for an adult, let alone a child. Have some compassion for your son and ditch your twat of a partner or he will drive an enormous and worst case scenario irreparable wedge in between you and your son.

Jesus the poor kid

Why the fuck are you letting your boyfriend throw his weight around with your child?

YABVU to do this, what’s even the point? He sat the exams months ago, there’s bugger all that can be done to change the result, seems unfair to punish him that way.

Sounds like you need a new DP...

Your partner needs to back the hell off. The kid has lost his father and is struggling. He’s not a performing seal. You need to support him to grow up. You don’t do that by putting in place petty restrictions or treating him like a young child who needs micromanaging.
and I repeat your partner needs to back off