To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

Your partner is yours, he’s nothing to do with your son and frankly, he’s an arsehole.

Do not punish your grieving son, I can’t believe you even need to ask really. Poor kid loosing his dad and now having to put up with your idiot boyfriend wishing him ill. Wake up OP

He's been through awful trauma and you think she should be able to focus like nothing happened? Life has punished him and you plan to take away more joy. Your partner is toxic and you really need to focus on the wellbeing of your son.

The only reason I would consider banning him is for his own sake- if he is so unstable that you think he’ll drink so much he’s going to end up in hospital, take drugs, get into fights and end up injuring himself. If that’s the case I would seriously consider it but other than that no, I would let him go. Could you have a chat with him and say you’re worried, then get some rules in place about contact, replying to messages, not causing or getting into fights etc. Who is he going with? Do you trust them?

I would also be focussing on longer term solutions, if he does do badly what’s his plan? I think he now needs to make some serious choices- not you in panic mode.

I’d also be setting some strong boundaries with your boyfriend as really this isn’t something he should be weighing in on.

Why is your DP involved in parenting your DS, why is he deciding what your DS should and should not be allowed to do? Does your DP bully and control you also ?

Sorry but you should actually be ashamed of how you're treating your son, why on earth would you punish him about exam results.

Your partner is horrible, sticking the boot in to a teenage who has lost his dad. And his dad's ex also despicable. Are there any decent adults in his life?

Don't punish him. He is just a child who has lost his father and siblings over the past two years.

Don't use his results to punish him. He needs to be dealt with patience, care, love and time. Failed GCSEs are not the end of the world. He can resit them if he wants to when he is ready.

Your partner is extremely nasty to wish he gets kicked off the team of something that he loves so much and has got him through these past two years. Be grateful it was rugby and not drugs or drink.

Kids have fights and altercations. It doesn't define them and they can move on and mature if they are given the time and space.

Treat him kindly. He will feel worse than you if he fails but he may not show it in the way you expect.

Perhaps take some time to sit with him alone at some point to have a calm discussion about his future plans and how he plans to get there and timescales.

Who the fuck does your partner think he is. Wake up, your son has had a bloody tough time, protect him or you will lose him.

Let’s just hope this is is just a bored person in a darkened room wondering how to inject some excitement in to her life by making up crap on Mumsnet

We can but hope

I did think that there's no point threatening him with not allowing him to go If he fails his exams as the exams have already been sat there's nothing he can do to change the outcome but then DP mentioned how he's likely to cause trouble if he did when he was away with his rugby team, but he'll be around drugs etc at the festival and it made me rethink

And the fact partner has told him (without me saying anything) and now he's said if I allow him to go ill be undermining him but I never told him to tell ds he cant go. He had mentioned not allowing him to go (for the above reasons) but I never agreed with him in the first place

It is almost inevitable that you will end up having to make a choice between your son and your dp. Which will you pick?

Let him go to the festival. He deserves something positive in his life.
You say he only cares about rugby so it sounds to me that should be encouraged very positively. If he won’t conform to the rules of the team or club their actions would be the form of discipline he responds to.
Not all kids are academic, so just concentrate on the minimum requirements of GCSE and look for alternatives.
I wish all of you well through this tricky time.

Good. Undermine him. Tell him to get back in his box.

This.

Your poor, poor son.
2 years is nothing. He is grieving.
And your “partner” sounds like a nasty unsympathetic bully. I bet he tells you what to do and you just go along with it.
No you should NOT ban your son from going to the festival, how do you even need to ask this?????

His gcse results have nothing to do with the festival. Results day will be hard enough. The best approach would be to commiserate if he is disappointed and be his support. Being punitive will make everything worse

Get rid of the twat. This poor boy lost his dad at a really difficult age and now doesn't get to see any of his siblings. So what if he doesn't get bloody GCSEs and now you've invited a bully into his life to replace his father. He does not get to have a say in his you parent your son. There should be consequences for the fight, but the festival isn't it.

Partner is massively out of line for doing or saying this without your agreement

I wouldn't personally punish a young person who had experienced such a traumatic life event recently - sounds like he needs support and encouragement not punishment. But if you were going to do something it needed to have been decided a long time ago. If what you wanted to do was to impose sanctions for lack of effort or better, give him some incentive to work harder then that needed to have been done months ago, well before the exams. What would punishing him for poor results now achieve other than alienating him further?

This. Bloody hell, poor boy

Your partner needs to keep his beak out , he is not his son and it has nothing whatsoever to do with him whether you allow him to go or not . Totally agree with pp that the ship has sailed and actions needed to have been taken before the exams not now .

You need to be reaching out to places like child bereavement UK and getting some proper advice on how best to support him.

You need to tell your partner to get back in his box and remind him he isn’t the parent and he doesn’t get to make such decisions.

How long have you been with this prince?

Most kids don't have their dad die when they're so young.
Most kids don't have a spiteful ex stepmum ruin their life by breaking up their family in the first place, then, when they're reeling about that AND their natural dad dying, stop them seeing their kids (if I've misread it, I'm sorry, but the way you put it makes her sound a truly evil human for destroying his natural family, then denying him the siblings; he had no choice in having strangers from another family suddenly enter his life, then no choice in losing them).

Your son is not the norm. He has been through so much. He can't control his results NOW-as in, it might be slightly more reasonable to say that if he does no chores etc from now until results, he's not going, because that is something he could control.
He's lost relationships with so many people-don't do this to him too.

Partner is the biggest issue here. I am wiling to bet that quite a few of your son’s issues are because of him. I would honestly consider ending the relationship here, as he’s being very unfair and he’s obviously got issues with your son which he wants to take out on him. You undermining him? How about him undermining you by punishing YOUR son unilaterally?

Tell your son he can go to Leeds with some very strong ground rules and high levels of contact. Tell your partner to go home and that you don’t want to see him for a few weeks.

I’m really hoping this isn’t true. Surely no mother would admit treating their bereaved child so appallingly?

Just in case it’s real, your DP needs to back off or piss off.

You are going to destroy this young man between the two of you.

Your partner seems to have a lot to say about things.

Sounds like your DS has had a terrible time.