To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

Omg he's traumatised ! He's going through extreme grief why wasn't more effort /pressure applied to get him to counselling.
Tell him you love him a d support him !

Firstly your partner is showing spiteful nasty behaviour towards your son and needs to go.

secondly you’re your sons only parent and advocate and that’s a huge job. Do not punish him for something he can’t change the outcome about now. It’s completely unreasonable.

genuinely cannot believe what I’m reading. He needs support and all the love from those around him. If he needs to re sit that’s fine but mostly he needs to seal with everything that’s happened.

the wheels have come off and it’s time for you to be there and help him get them back on.

Your partner sounds like a controlling prick.
I'd get rid of him and support your son who is clearly struggling.

Realistically, his GCSEs matter far less than his ability to survive losing his dad as a teenager, especially given he has abilities outside of academia. I'd be much more concerned with what his academ performance and behaviour on trips says about how he's coping.

Don't underestimate the importance of the rugby club, there's a lot of men who use it as a substitute family, and (generally) they're incredibly supportive of each other - which is what your son needs right now. If I were you I'd have chat with them to see how they can better support him, while ensuring he channels his aggression in the right way (rather than fighting with team mates).

And for goodness sake let him go to the festival! Your prick of a partner should have no say in the matter and soundswvile!

Rather than lean into the pile on here (which I'm tempted to, because it's clear your son is at a very vulnerable time in life and he needs to know he's your priority over your partner now more than EVER) I'm trying to think how I would handle my child going slightly off the rails here.

I know from my own children that coming down hard just doesn't work. I have 16 year olds and they are good kids. Your son is a good kid going through a hard time. Do not risk losing him by showing him he doesn't matter as much as your relationship. It's not about being 'soft' on him. I would focus on trying to build a relationship where I can talk to him and get through to him about how he's really feeling and what this rugby situation was all about, and why he doesn't seem to care about his GCSEs. It sounds like he will have failed some, I would let him go to the festival and say you'll pick up discussions about how to move forward from this situation afterward the summer. (Context - my own mother prioritised her relationships over me and my brother due to what we both perceive as her personal weakness. She is now on her own in her late 70s after three failed marriages with three fairly useless men, and not much of a relationship with either of her children. Your children will be there for your whole life, don't prioritise what could turn out to be a temporary relationship over them.)

Poor lad he has been to hell and back of course he goes to the festival but with an ultimatum if there is any trouble. Use that time to tell your DP to keep his nose out unless he offers support or has something constructive to bring to the table. Regarding GCSE’s whatever the outcome come it’s nothing that can’t be fixed and if he flunks it could be a wake up call for him. I am assuming he has had some kind of dispensation for exams given the trauma he has had?

So you don’t live with your partner and he’s accusing you of undermining him by not bowing to his demands of how you discipline and parent your child. A man who is practically a stranger off the streets to your DS. A man who thinks he can come into your and your DS’s home and yell at him. No wonder your DS told him to bog off. This man is okay trying to ruin your relationship with your DS.

Is there anyone in your DS’s life who will support and guide him ? He’s lost his Dad, half-siblings and then has your partner to contend with - a man who hopes he thrown out of his place on a sports team and is nasty to him and thinks he has a right to discipline him. Your DS is a a critical juncture in life just now.

Your son has had an incredibly hard two years and does not deserve to be punished for struggling.

As for your partner, why are you with a nasty individual who very obviously has no love or empathy for your child? His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Frankly your son should not have to deal with your shit partner.

It saddens me so much when women put a man above their own kids.

It was not your partner’s place to tell him he can’t go. It is not your partner’s place to parent your son. Tell him to butt out and make your own parenting decisions. To tell your son he can’t go when he’s obviously still grieving is very mean.

1. Lose the man that's trying to hurt a grieving teenager
2. Let DS go to the festival
3. Work with DS and careers advisors to make a plan for the future. He can re-take GCSEs if he wants to and there are other courses he could do that don't need them.
4. See about getting DS some counselling and bereavement support
5. See if there's something else he'd like to get involved with to belong to a community and experience a different sort of role, maybe a community project he could help with.

You’re not undermining your partner because it was never his job to make the decision about the festival in the first place. You may well discuss issues of discipline with him but he doesn’t get to decide. Now that’s not to say I wouldnt be worried about him going to the festival. I would have a discussion about it and suggest if he has any issues with fighting etc at the festival that his school won’t let him play rugby. Using that as an incentive for the behaviour seems much more reasonable than withdrawing a treat without warning. I’m not actually sure how you help your son going forward with the grief but it does seem like you’ve had some good suggestions from other posters.

I was feeling very understanding towards you OP until I got to the parts about your DP. He has overstepped and you need to tell him that. He shouldn't be telling you how to parent your son (bad) or giving your son consequences (worse). Once you handle that part, and show your son that you have his back, you may be able to build a relationship with your son so that he will be able to tell you how he's feeling (he has gone through so much tbh) rather than acting out.

Why do parents do this? I know qualifications are important but I know so many who have done well without them. He’s had a stressful time, sounds like he’s motivated to do rugby, could this lead somewhere?

Ahh Leeds fest… I would say I remember it well but I was hammered the whole time so I don’t. Please just let him go. He’s had a horrible two years. I’m a maths tutor I can’t tell you the amount of kids who have to resit - sometimes because they’re lazy, sometimes because they just freaked out on the day, and for loads of other reasons.

Your DP is an arse and just wants to get at your son.
If he didn't think he should go because he has shown he can't responsible why would the GCSE results be the decider? Just a way to kick him when he's already down. I pretended not to care about my GCSEs, I did care, I just didn't have the capacity to focus. I ended up doing okay anyway but it would have felt awful to have failed and have another punishment from my parents for my failure.

You don’t “understand the abuse ” your nasty twat of a boyfriend if getting because… well, you obviously don’t see what we see

Also the only undermining going on is your partner undermining you.

You discussed this with him and you didn’t agree. He then gave the consequences to your son.

Totally overstepping and completely and utterly undermining you as the parent.

Id think carefully about how many other occasions similar has happened.

Well it’s fuck all to do with the guy - why is it even a conversation?

Focus on your kid, who’s had a horrendous 2 years, not someone who wants to interfere where it’s not their business.

Your partner is a horrible pig. Get rid of the partner and let your DS go to Leeds. Yes, he's behaved badly but he's been through a lot. He will mature. Poor lad.

Your partner doesn’t get to discipline your DS, ever! You need to make that clear to him.

Your boy has been through a really tough time. I definitely wouldn’t threaten him with his rugby, at the moment that is the only outlet he has plus he is obs good at it and will boost his confidence. As for Leeds well it’s a bit late now to take it away, the exams have been sat and the outcome already decided.

I would keep supporting him and being there for him. Let the school discipline him as they see fit. There will be natural consequences for his behaviour but you need to be the ‘safe space’ the one who has his back and provides unwavering support. He was a good kid until all this happened and he will be again but at the moment he is navigating grief and puberty.

@PrinceHood will never ever get rid of this DP of 7 years

I didn’t allow my Dc to go to festivals when they were young because I don’t feel they are a safe environment for youngish teenagers. BUT having said that you’ve already agreed to this and now you seem to be wanting to slap your son with a retrospective punishment for failing his GCSEs.

Your partner has absolutely no right to tell your son what to do and the fact that he now wants you to fall in with his decision is a huge red flag.

Let him go to the festival but please have a good talk with him beforehand about safety and your expectations.

I fear that if you ban him from going you are really pushing him away and risk alienating him completely which is the last thing he needs.

Poor kid been through a lot at his age but he can turn it around and resit exams. Let him go to the festival. And as others have said your partner shouldn’t be saying things like this. He’s an arse.

Are you paying for it?If not what is your capacity to tell him he can't go?He is clearly struggling,so will punishing him really help?