To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

How's it going today, @PrinceHood?

Your partner is a twat.

Your son lost his father 2 years ago... He is your baby. Focus on him.

As someone who had PTSD at 17, which is like the emotional knock your child has had, please be kind and patient with him. I messed up my A Levels because I just couldn't bring myself to care, I felt so shit in myself I wanted to die. I felt alone and unloved, even though I had 2 parents, they couldn't understand the pain I was in and I took that as them not caring about me because I was worthless. Now when I look back I just feel so desperately sorry for the kid I was. Your child is showing some interest in doing things, the Rugby and the festival and should be actively encouraged to do those things. The alternative is that their lives become smaller and less tolerable, that is a dangerous emotional state for a 17 year old.

Your partner needs to step back. He is not helping. Your child probably doesn't have the capability of responding to punishment, their life feels like one big punishment. Your child needs peace and any bit of joy they can get. My A Level grades mean feck all now, but my experience of navigating a terrible time in my formative years has made me a strong and resilient person.

@PrinceHood
Let him go to the concert
And when he comes back you both seriously sit down and thrash things out
Exams can be retaken
He may need some therapy so hopefully this time he'll do as suggested
A career on a sporting field doesn't last forever he knows that right? so
What's he going to do when he retires from the field
Work in physio or something?
He'll need college for that won't he?
So the more he gets under his belt now the easier learning all that stuff is going to be
My problem is with your useless partner
Trying to dictate spitefully; throw his weight about
Giving the impression his bullying word is final
It's not and neither is he

With all due respect to your partner I think this is down to you not him, your child, you decide. Your Ds seems to have lost his way.a bit, I would keep him on a long leash until he is more settled. I personally wouldn't want him going to Leedsfest but only because he seems vulnerable at the minute and def not because he failed his Gcse's ( if he does, you don't know yet)

I wouldn;t punsih him. I'd offer a carrot. You pay for the Leeds tickets and some spending money if he gets good grades.

But also, just chat with him. Say you get that he doesn't think it matters now, but he's clever, and he'll feel good about himself if he lives up to his capability. And even rugby players benefit from having other skills, as they have to retire fairly young.

If you and Dp don't live together I would suggest a break so you can concentrate completely on helping Ds heal and get back on track. You don't need a partner who only makes matters worse with your son, he's no support to either of you

I wouldn’t tie the festival to grades; they’re totally disconnected.

I would though chat with him
away from your partner and explore behaviour, conduct, ways to say no and maintain control given what happened on rugby tour - and frame it around that rather than anything to do with grades. Those festivals are pretty volatile and if he’s not in a good place it could easily go wrong. Contact, knowing what to do in an emergency or if he needs help, has done something silly - but you have to be very clear you’d want to know but wouldn’t be punitive, or he’ll never tell you anything.

given how hard he’s had it, I hope he passes decently but I would be more worried about his happiness and emotional security.

Your DP says out loud that he wants your son to lose his place on the rugby team, the only thing he's currently enjoying in life.
Then he makes threats of punishment in your absence - as you said it was WAY to late to make that ultimatum when the outcome is already determined. You said you aren't hopeful about results... So your "D"P is basically just using that excuse to make DS miss out on something else that could actually become a core memory for him and his friends. And he's not even got the approval of you, the boys only surviving parent, before doing so.

And you had to ask if he's unreasonable???!
That boy needs positive male role models around him at this age and after losing his dad more than ever. This self important dickhead isn't it.

(Edit: Sorry started to reply to quoted post and then got off on a different point instead and forgot to remove the quote. I 100% agree with it though!)

Also OP, what was your sons reaction?

at almost 17 any adult who couldn't claim "under my roof" logic trying to tell me what was or wasn't going to happen anyway would have really damaged whatever relationship we had. I'd have either laughed in their face or told them to fuck off.

Your partner undermined your parenting by having that “conversation” with your son without you present and without your knowledge!

he doesn’t get to tell you how to parent your son, who has clearly had a rough 2 years at a difficult age

Maybe this is weird but I think many male ‘partners’ feel threatened by the love the mum has for the male child .
I couldn’t be with this man . Your poor son needs so much love and support .
Imagine how lonely and pushed out he feels . Of course he is ‘playing up ‘ . Lost his dad , can’t see half siblings, exams and mum’s new partner obviously resents him .

Let him go, he'll forever hate your partner if you stick with something that he decided to threaten himself. I understand your worry about drugs but remind him that top level sport has drug testing so if he tried some he could be throwing his sport career away. It doesn't sound like he'd take that risk

DP should mind his own business

Your DS has lost his dad and access to his siblings. Most grief therapy cant start until 6 months have passed anyway. You need to just support him and try again

And your DPs lack of understanding is awful

If his friends leave him if he does try drugs or something more fool them. Knowing eg though my DB and his friends as teens, none of them left the others when they tried drugs (rave scene).

Good shout sound like he treats the lad as an inconvenience and throw in a bit of jealousy.

Your child is grieving for God's sake. He is acting out because he obviously doesn't communicate well about how he is feeling or coping. He is stuck on the angry side of grief and if he doesn't seek help now, he may harbour in this way for years to come. I think you and you alone need to try and sit him down and get him opening up, subtly. Your partner sounds like a twat but I get it if all he has seen is a young man acting out all the time but he must understand the reason for it and show some compassion.

I'd be clear to this man that you are the parent. He is not. You don't even live together and your son is grieving.

To wind his neck back in, and to not threaten your son again or you'll do more than fckn undermine him.

Agreed!!!

This! 👆🏻