To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

Of course he goes to the festival! He has had the shittiest 2 years ever. List his dad and your new bf sounds awful. Don’t punish your son. You sound really unsupportive of him emotionally. As for what you partner said, it’s horrible. I would not be with a person that didn’t 100% back my kids.

@choccytime
He's more important to her than her child is. That's the only conclusion I can come to .

My DH’s parents went through a very messy divorce during his final year of school exams (not UK) and he went from being top of his year to barely scraping into his university degree. When he sat his final math exam, he just completely blanked and said that the paper might as well have been written in Chinese because he couldn’t make sense of it. He walked out without answering any questions and had a panic attack outside the exam room.

He didn’t attend a very good school, but they at least recognised that he was struggling and were able to apply for special consideration for him. He needed a psychologist note if I remember correctly.

Is there something like that in the UK for your son? Surely the death of a parent warrants special consideration?

I absolutely would not ban him from the festival, and I would do everything in my power to help him.

This.

You're putting in a consequence that wasn't determined at the time @PrinceHood . There's no logic there.

Your boy needs you on his side, not agreeing with your boyfriend who seems to be taking a very autocratic route to 'parenting'.

If you want to address DS's poor choices then do, but it needs doing as a part of addressing the trauma he's been through rather than harsh punishments dished out by a bloke that doesn't seem to like him that much.

I'm not of the opinion of making excuses for bad behaviour/choices etc as life doesn't stop when shitty things happen. However, it seems like the support has only come as a method of getting him through his GCSE's. The support should have been to help him heal - rugby is probably a good release for him in that way.

Understandably you're concerned about his future, but the way this is being addressed really isn't it

Your poor son. He's spent his entire two GCSE years grieving for his dad, found comfort in playing rugby, and you want to punish him for not throwing his entire self into studying for exams?

Words fail me. Actually, no they don't, because I'm appalled at your complete lack of empathy and sympathy.

You sound about as callous and uncaring as it is possible for a parent to get.

Regardless of your son’s results I’d be dumping your partner. He sounds horrible.

How is the upbringing of your son any business of your partner?

Your son needs counselling urgently.

And yes, of course he should go to the festival.

Poor lad must be really strugglimg and yet your partner butts in with his extremely unhelpful and obnoxious comments

This☝️☝️

Absolute this.

Your partner is interfering. Let him go. Your son who is nearly 17 may just go anyway without your permission.
I think your partner could be the cause of some of your sons problems. I would undermine your partner. Its nothing to do with him.

You're being an utterly shit, shit parent.

Put your son above the cock that you call your partner.

In fact, get rid of the partner altogether.

OPs gone quiet

I would let him go to the festival. The poor lad has had a tough time with losing his dad. Being a teenager nowadays is tough enough without contending with what he has been through. Although not passing exams can be disappointing, they can always be retaken. Also, your partner needs to mind his own business. He is not his father and your son will end up despising him if he doesn't leave him alone.

What would stopping him achieve- absolutely nothing. Why did your partner say that

wow.

how can you be undermining your "DP" when all decisions about your DS are yours.

Your DS has had absolutely shit time.
Choose your DS. Not your absolute dickhead of a "DP"

Also, your poor son is probably so unhappy having to be around your vile horrible partner, that this causes him to be depressed and anxious, as well as the dreadful loss of his father

Start putting your son first for fucks sake

your partner is the worst word that begins with C.

it's a difficult situation, progress won't be linear but you are his mother and need to take the lead here.

Your partner sounds controlling to be honest and needs to back off.
Does he often say you are undermining him for parenting your son?
Let him go to the festival, it's nothing to do with your partner and he's already been through enough with losing his dear dad ffs.
You need to re evaluate your relationship with this man, because if you burn too many bridges with your ds, don't be surprised in the future if he wants nothing to do with you.

Poor boy. I really feel for him.

Your partner sounds like a controlling dick. How long has he been in your life/your son's life? I would not appreciate anyone talking to or about my son like that.

Your partner is the problem. He has lost his dad and half his family. Your poor boy let him go and enjoy himself he deserves it. The horrible comment about thinking he should be kicked off the team is awful. Yes he got into a fight as an emotional 16 year whose dad has died. Most adults struggle with grief.

You must undermine your partner. Protect your grieving child now, or he might not forgive you. Let him have a bit of joy with his friends!

Agreed. Don’t punish him like this. Your DP had no place saying that to him. I’m not surprised he told him to fuck off!

I'm so sad for your son. And your partner is just horrible. For goodness sake, this was so sad to read.

We've been together for 7 years. He's not a “new” partner and I don't put him before DS. partner mentioned not letting him go not me so I don't understand the abuse on this thread.

He doesn't live with us, I was clear on that at the very start of our relationship.

The friends he's going with are sensible but they distanced themselves from him to do their GCSEs and ds hasn't seen them since prom over a month ago. I worry that those friends may leave him if he decided he wanted to try drugs of if he starts a fight with someone

Dear god OP you need your head testing - your child has lost his father unexpectedly, been stopped from seeing his siblings, and had his mums partner sticking his oar in with quite frankly shit opinions Ava you are so in the thrall of this prick that you have to come on MN to ask what to do. Your poor son. Yet another woman putting her fanny first.