AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

I think it would be odd to invite him on the holiday if you haven’t got an ongoing relationship with him, as that isn’t going to make for a good time. But I do think your response can leave space for reflecting on how the relationship has gone and how you both want it to go. Has he been part of the therapy sessions or is that something you could pursue with him?

I wouldn’t have left him out tbh.

I know I’m in the minority but to me he is very controlling saying things along the lines of he won’t accept being a blended family. Tough shit, your Dad broke my heart. I know it’s hard for him but one day he’ll marry (maybe) and move away etc, you can’t live your life by one child’s rules. I think you should try and repair the relationship but I think you should do that whilst being clear you won’t be dictated to by what is essentially an adult (albeit young) and that he is inky invited if he is getting along with his siblings. You might need to harden towards him, I know it’s not easy but what’s the alternative? Have a 20 year old on holiday with you that is telling you what you can and can’t do? No thank you.

Also, people often seem to think that because they are your children that it is the end of the world to not have contact. That’s only true if it’s a healthy ish relationship. There are lots of people that don’t have contact with their children. I hope that never happens to you but likewise, having someone in your life that tries to tell you what you can and can’t do and blames you for something that isn’t your fault isn’t good for your mental health surely? I would ask if he’s willing to attend therapy with just you.

You made your choices to exclude him before the holiday. It reads like you do lots of things with your other kids. He also reached out to you several times but you didn't respond. Of course he's feeling hurt. If you don't try to fix this now your relationship with him will never recover.

@vhydr was your DD restricted on tickets for the graduation?

Does he have an issue with women?

He's said some things that I don't agree with, but OP you are the adult and he's only just finished being a teenager. IMO you were wrong to go quiet on him when he reached out to you and not take him on holiday.

Why on earth did your dd invite her father- the one who cheated and actually did break up the family - and not invite her brother?

Your oldest son is obviously very affected by your marriage break up. Like all your childen he was put in a horrible position by your H's actions and the subsequent marriage break up. He has obviously said some unpleasant things but it does seem you and your other children are punishing him for chosing to stay with his dad at this really difficult time in his life as well as yours and his other siblings.

Perhaps a bit of conversation and kindness between you and all your children is called for

Yes you’re being unreasonable

he reached out to you and you admit you went quiet on him.

you say you don’t expect them to take sides - but your actions demonstrate otherwise which is pretty despicable to be honest. They may be older teens / young adults but keep them out if your relationship - they have two parents who they love and should be free to speak to /see/ live with either of you without repercussions

I think your behaviour is awful tbh

divorce is a bloody nightmare to negotiate.

i had a similar divorce about five years ago with similar age kids and it was really hard.

given the blow up with his siblings I wouldn’t have invited him on the holiday (not all of mine get along and we’ve had some spectacular rows on holidays) but I would try to make some time for him to meet for coffee etc.

this will all settle down. It’ll take time. Eventually he’ll move out and be an independent young adult and he’ll probably look back and regret some actions (I know mine have) so try to keep comms open

It sounds like you are punishing him for choosing to live with his dad.
Ignoring him when he was reaching out to you; not inviting him on holiday.

And yet you didn't have an issue with your daughter inviting her dad to her graduation?

If you want to have a continued relationship with him, then this will need a lot of work. Start with "I'm sorry ..." without following it with an "if" or a "but".

At 20, he's still quite young and inexperienced with relationships. It sounds like his still at the stage where he thinks of you as just his Mum, rather than a person in your own right who should be free to have another relationship in the future if and when you want to.

I can see why his behaviour is hurtful, but I do think you should extend the olive branch and try to include him more in activities with his siblings. Has he been invited to the family therapy sessions? It might be helpful for him to hear how you and your siblings are feeling about the breakup, give him the chance to consider the feelings of others, and make him feel like less of an outsider.

You went quiet on him - aka ignored him/ghosted him/blanked him.

Take some responsibility in this op.

My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

This is horrible. It’s his father who broke the family up. You took things out on your 20 year old.

It was also unkind to not invite him to go away with you. Perhaps it might have been an opportunity to rebuild your relationship with him and between him and his siblings.

I think you need to reflect on your behaviour before he chooses not to have anything further to do with you.

Blended family?! He's 20. He won't have to share a room with stepbrothers. 🙄

Just hold the boundary that you are his mum, you love him, and that you didn't break the family up by leaving. You left because his dad cheated, and you've moved on. Not from him, but from a dead relationship.

But you need to get a wriggle on to salvage your relationship with your son. You have to be the adult and try really hard to understand your hurt kid. He's now hurt by being left out. You need to convince him by action not words that you haven't left him behind.

It is never ok to encourage children of any age to take sides in a divorce/ separation. The situation is not of their making and is hard enough for them to deal with without their own loyalties to their parents to be called into question.

You are totally and utterly BU and I would encourage you to do anything and everything you can to help your son forgive you before you lose him forever.

There is a lot going on there.
He chose to stay with his cheating father which has stung, and it is ok to say this to him and to hear his reasoning.

Him telling you he will not accept you moving on or a blended family is his choice but you will not be dictated to him about your choices at all.
Be very clear on that.

His father has broken the family apart and you are doing your best.

His sister not asking him to the graduation and including her father is harsh and needs exploration as to why she would do that.

The holiday might have been an opportunity to heal if he joined you. Could he join you now?

Family breakdown is so hard.

At 20 he is still very young emotionally and I think you need to go easy on him.

He's hurting and feeling abandoned.
Don't take your beef with his father out on him, an easy target.
You have put distance between you and he feels very hurt.

YOU need to be the adult here and not do terrible emotional damage to him.

Definitely look at family therapy.
You and the 4 children.

You need to sit him down and point out a few home truths to him.
The 1st being that his dad destroyed his family by having an affair and all of the consequences rest solely at his father's door
2nd that he has no right to demand that you stay single forever just because his father couldn't keep his vows or his dick in his pants.
3rd that his own words and behaviours are what is driving a wedge between him and his siblings and you.
And finally that when he is prepared to apologise for his choice of words you are ready to speak and forgive him but you will not accept any claim for the consequences of his or his father's choices and actions.
Then step back and wait he will either grow up and accept that its his father thats to blame or he won't, but if he doesn't I feel very sorry for any women who has a relationship with him because he'll likely cheat on her and then blame her for it too

He had every right to chose not to leave his home. His father’s affair wasn’t his fair and is not a reason why he should terminate his relationship with his Dad anyway.

Your husband cheated on you, not his adult children and it’s disgusting that you are expecting your children to take sides.

You are directing hurtful actions specifically at your own son. That is you treating him much worse than a parent who had an affair.

You are being very unreasonable. He is 19 but is a child on this awful dynamic. He is hurting and needs a parent. Step up.

I think you are being incredibly cruel tbh. You admit he tried reaching out to you and you ignored him. You then brought his siblings on holiday and posted photos knowing full well he would see them - are you still trying to punish him for choosing to stay with his dad?

Yes, he is an adult but he is still young and dealing with the 'loss' of his mum and siblings. You could really have handled this better, no wonder he is angry.

Sorry to be harsh op but this is not all about you.

He is still the children's father and regardless of what he did to you this is not changing. He reached out and you stayed quiet because you were hurt. Sorry that is awful. His siblings are getting their cues from you about how they treat him. He should have been invited on the family holiday.

However I would be tellling him that he has no say as to whether you go into a new relationship.

I am sorry but you need to be the adult here. Your marriage broke down due to your H's actions. But who knows what shit your H had/had been feeding your DS. When my dad left when I was 16 following an affair he tried to get me on side giving me all the guff about how my mum didn't understand him etc. Classic gaslighting. I was young and idealistic about love and very inexperienced and nearly fell for it.
Even if he chose to remain with his dad, that is his decision. At that point it should have been respected and you should have buried your legitimate feelings of hurt, and maintained a relationship with him. And def not bad mouthed him to his siblings. When he reached out you should not have gone quiet. None of this was his fault. No wonder he feels ostracised.
Then the other bust ups probably would not have happened. And this whole situation would not have occurred.
He is not controlling or having issues with women! He is a young adult struggling with his whole world turning upside down. Its not easier for teenagers and young adults to deal with parental divorce. Its harder.

Yabu. He's angry at the situation and you just keep ignoring the poor kid for your own self pity. What a shit thing to do.

You say you didn't want your kids to pick sides but you seem to be punishing him for staying at his Dad's house.

He is out of order in some of the things he has said about you leaving/future relationships but his world was tipped upside down and parental relationships are complex.

I think you can set some firm boundaries with him about his opinions on your actions but I would be putting in tonnes of effort to maintain the relationship. He needs your support and probably also needs your help to keep his relationship with his siblings.

Read back what you wrote. You are punishing him. Your DH cheated on you, he is still the father of your kids and they are entitled to have a relationship with him if they want to. Your son is not your friend and you are the adult in this. I honestly have no idea how you are going to row back from this because you aren’t being honest with yourself. Are you punishing him because you can’t/won’t have it out with your DH? My mum had a terrible relationship with my Dad but would never hold the line with him because she was frightened of him, far easier to talk to me and blame me because in her head that’s what she would have liked to say to my dad.