AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

Her son is an adult too.

You are expecting your son not to love his father unconditionally

You are suggesting with your actions that you don't love your son (or his siblings) unconditionally

Maybe you don't, but it is a dreadful thing to try to turn someone against a family member for offences against you.

He was young and shouldn't have taken sides tried to reach out to you and you ignored him. No wonder he is upset. I bet he feels like the black sheep of the family. Nasty dynamic. It seems you only want family who take sides for you.

So he’s tried reaching out a few times and you’ve ignored him. You didn’t want them taking sides but ghosted him because he chose the ‘wrong’ side. I understand you’re hurt, but the person you should be angry with is not your son. His siblings are simply following your example. He’s behaved like a petulant teenager - at just 20 with his entire world collapsing he’s allowed to feel and behave like that. But you have been appalling to him, utterly awful.

"He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day."

But it's okay for his dad to do it?! No. He's being manipulative and immature. You need to let him know his attitude and comments are not okay and do not reflect reality, but he might not be able to accept it, sounds like he is firmly in the victim mindset here even though you're the victim.

He tried to reach out but 'yiu went quiet in him' He was what? 19 at the break up, went with his dad, tried later to reach out but you rejected him ...secure in have all 3 other siblings on your side. It was lovely that they supported you after your husband cheated after a long marriage ...they are LL angry with their dad ...naturally ...but your daughter chose to invite her dad, the cause of the marriage break up rather than her brother? I can't get my head around that choice ...punishing your son again for his choice of staying with dad ...yet inviting dad and not him. What a hurtful snub for your son. Daughter saying ok dad ...you cheated, broke us all up, but I'm prepared to reconcile, forgive enough to invite you to my important occasion, but not the son whose crime was to stay with you. Then he isn't invited to the family holiday. He seems to being made the scapegoat for your husband's crimes. He made a poor choice, but why is he excluded when your cheating husband was included.

What an awful situation for everyone - but mostly for your son.

I can imagine how very hurt he must have felt when everyone (even the cheating father) went to the graduation except him. Same with the holiday.

Poor kid. Do everything you can to put this right now before you end up estranged.

His sisters graduation will have been her choice.

when my kids graduated (and we were in a difficult divorce situation) my DS decided not to graduate in person because he just didn’t want to deal with all the family shit and the inevitable rows.

my dd graduated in person but gave both me and her dad specific instructions as to which bits we’d be allowed to. Her dad negotiated a dinner the previous day with his new family (which she bitched about but went to).

divorce can really fuck sibling relationships as well and if there is a lot of drama going on there then op wasn’t necessarily wrong to not take the son on holiday.

i do think you need to reach out to him separately though op and rebuild a relationship,

Barely. And OP is also his parent.

This is on OP. But tbh if she can’t see this without posting on here, doubt she will. She’s been asking them to choose from day one, and she’s even hot the siblings to follow suit. OP should look for support from her family and friends, not her children.

Deplorable.

Yabvu. Your poor son, yes husband dad was shitty to you but ignoring him because he chose to live with his Dad is horrible, as is not including him in family things. Kids shouldn't have you pick sides like this.

So basically you got angry at him for picking sides, so you're now picking sides.

And the answer to that is, that's not your business and I can't make any promises it won't happen, but I hope you'll feel differently in future. Not to ignore his attempts to communicate and exclude him from family events.

If the post represents a real situation, I suspect that a moratorium on discussing the breakup, the responses, the allegiances during some planned family time would be a healthy thing.

No the daughter will have made her decision in the context of her parents behaviour just like your children did.

Your son is being indoctrinated by your cheating EX DH.

I wouldn't have invited him on holiday. He needs to seriously consider his tone.

Your original advice was to tell the OP not to talk to him until he had apologized. Considering that he had made several attempts to reach out to her, but she ignored him, that's awful, awful advice.

I think you should cut him a bit of slack OP. 20 is very young. Don't let him dig himself into a deeper hole with you and his sibs. It isn't his fault what your ex did. Surely he was feeling very raw too?

Maybe your ex even inappropriately confided in him and further muddied the water.

In your position I would try to reach out I think. What he is say about not having a mother now is really sad.

I'd be bending over backwards to have a relationship with him. It's not our DC's job to understand our personal lives, only our job to be there for them unconditionally.

That said, a holiday, if he's out of favour with the other DC might not be the best idea, but I'd definitely be taliing to him about the way forward, not just excluding him.

He needs to apologise to you for blaming the break up of the family on you. And demanding that you don’t have a life with anyone else. Who does he think he is?! He sounds extremely childish and/or manipulative. He needs to understand that he has contributed to the hurt piled on you when you were most vulnerable. That this is not a matter of you not loving him, or blaming him in any way for his father’s cheating, but a matter of you protecting your own wellbeing and not having unfair blame being heaped on you on top of the devastation caused by his father.

"My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out." You need to try to do with this with your eldest son, particularly the therapy. He is unreasonable to expect you to have just sucked up your ex's betrayal. You are unreasonable to expect him to have immediately sided with you and left his home and dad. You are not looking for a relationship with anyone right now, ignore the talk of blended families and the like. Focus on the now.

His reasons for staying in the family home with his Dad don't have to be about taking sides. Perhaps he wanted the security of a familiar space, the comfort of his own room and was resistant to change when his family world was being blown up. It's not your son's fault that his dad was a dick and shagged someone else. You ignoring him will have been very hurtful.

To go on a holiday with 3 siblings and not the other is mean. It doesn't matter that you're hurting and regardless of his views on whether you should meet anyone else, you are effectively cutting him out of your life and that is mean and hurtful.

I am not in your situation but I have some teen children who live with me and a teen step child who doesn't live with me. For any holiday or trip or treat, she will always be invited. She doesn't always opt in because she works full time, and does other holidays with her mum and her friends but it's incredibly important that she knows she is always welcome so she never sees a photo of her dad, me and her brothers all having a lovely holiday without her that she didn't know about.

His views about how you should live your life moving forward are bullshit. Is he fully aware that his Dad's infidelity is the reason for the marriage breakdown and you moving out?

20 is still so young, he just watched his two safety nets split and go different directions. He is also the oldest and watching his 3 siblings go with their mum he might have felt some loyalty to not leave his dad alone. Honestly its heartbreaking but you sound like you need to work on forgiving him for trangressions that weren't his. Don't punsh him for not wanting to abandon his dad - even if he is an absolute shite.

He has been made the bad guy in a situation where there were never any winners, Encourgae your children to try and fix their relationship and keep them out of the crap between you and your ex.

Terrible that you stopped talking to your son because he stayed with his dad. That's on you.
Bizarre your daughter invited her dad not her brother. Also on you.

You should be helping all the siblings get along. Their parents will be dead one day and they need eachother.

It was very wrong to not invite him on holiday.

You have caused a rift between your kids. You are now responsible for helping to repair it.

I think you and your eldest need to meet up and have a proper conversation about all of this. It’s not okay for him to say that you are breaking up the family when it’s his dad who has done that. Or to dictate your future dating life, again, his dad has caused this and he’s an adult who should understand this. Is he quite misogynistic in general?

But, you should reach out to him and try to maintain a relationship. I can see how he feels hurt if he’s being excluded, even when he has tried to reach out.

But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

Would you have left him behind from a family holiday before you broke up? Because he had fallen out with (one? or both?) sisters?

Anyway, since the problem is sibling tensions , you can surely invite him away with you. Meanwhile, if you are in any way presenting him to his siblings as an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, you need to stop the stirring and emotional abuse. Your children are not pawns to punish your ex on your behalf

On one hand I think had you invited him and had he accepted, the holiday would have been miserable all round given the tensions. Saying that though, your actions are punishment whether you admit it openly or not. Going quiet on him, not inviting him on holiday yet posting photos on social media so he can see you are away with his siblings, allowing your DD to exclude him but invite your cheating ex etc.

Saying that, it must be a terribly hard thing to go through. I wish you well