AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

And this. Excellent post @theresnolimits

Yeah. He sounds a right wrong 'un that son. He doesn't deserve a holiday with OP.

Your son sounds quite misogynistic, tbh…like it’s ok for his father to have an affair but not ok for OP as a now single woman to have a relationship! Yeah, no.

Are you being wilfully obtuse, or is this simply a lapse in judgment?

The father deliberately broke the family apart. He has likely moved on to another woman, and OP's son is projecting.

The parents have only been separated since March after a long marriage, it's way to soon for a blended family on either side.
No he shouldn't be telling her that, but OP has hardly helped herself by admitting she has been standoffish with him because he chose to live with his father - which is a totally valid choice to make.

@Ocelotfeet27

good job he is an adult then and his mother’s relationships are none of his business

You do realise he doesnt have the casting vote on who either of them have a relationship with, dont you?

It is entirely reasonable for a son who has only known his parents relationship to struggle to see his mum having future relationships. The fact his dad is in one is probably something he is dealing with himself.

All he has said is his honest opinion at the current time. Is it so difficult to imagine a young man saying this whilst trying to come to terms with his mum ditching him, his dad shagging about and his siblings putting up the barriers. Most would say things they may mean at the time but further down the line accept they were wrong.

It's a forum, dear—a point of discussion.

Can nuclear families not experience such complexities in equal measure?

A shallow gaze you have.

I actually find this hard to believe

you 'went quiet' on your own son? He is your child. He had conflicted painful emotions - you and your husband very clearly wanted the kids taking sides - you certainly did. That is specifically waht divorcing parents are NOT supposed to do.

He was a teenager at the time, his brain hadn'f fully developed

You are supposed to always be there for him! That's how it is being a parent.

@waterrat

What about OP’s feelings? Do they not count because she is a woman? Because she is a mother? Her son is an adult he should be capable of expressing empathy towards his poor mother.

OP was understandably wounded by his deeply unpleasant remarks. I would have stepped back and allowed him the opportunity to reflect upon the absurdity he had so carelessly allowed to pass his lips.

I would never allow my DC to ever speak to me in this manner without consequence.

Yet OP's son feels the need to assimilate comfortably into his father's world while condemning his mother.

Tasteless. Poor judgement.

He is 20, not 12.

Maybe the father despite his affair, is not emotionally blackmailing his children. Maybe the son can understand why the father had an affair 🤷🏻‍♀️

Evidently, OP’s feelings are of little consequence in this rather unfortunate arrangement.

She is, it seems, expected to remain steadfast, holding the family together while absorbing the aftershocks and indignities delivered by both her son and her ex-husband.

Good gracious.

Apologies for going slightly off topic but the "my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together" bit shocked me tbh.

With the eldest only 20 then the affair must have last for most of the marriage or may even predate the marriage though that would probably have been mentioned in the OP if that had been the case.

@Baileyss

that’s so out of order. Why are you so misogynistic??

How do you know its tasteless poor judgement?

I wont go over it again as PP have outlined reasonable reasons for the son to stay put. None of it nasty, non of it about choosing sides. Just plain old keeping his life balance normal.

He didnt shag this other women, his dad did. Regardless of who he lives with he should not be punished in any way.

Actually there is hurt on both sides. Despite being 20 he’s still the kid and she’s the parent.

Clearly! It’s no wonder more and more women are choosing to remain child free…

It’s no wonder there are so many misogynistic men marrying and fucking up women’s lives, if they are being pandered to by their mothers, the way posters are suggesting this 20 year old man be kid gloved through his disgusting take on his betrayed mother.

Your son reached out a number of times and you went quiet on him? YABVU. You’re the proper adult here, you need to fix this or you’ll have no relationship with him going forward.

Yes your husband broke the family up by cheating, but you’re breaking it up further now.

Your poor son was probably upset and hurt and confused and didn’t know how to act at the time. Get in touch with him, apologise, and try to heal this.

Your 20 year old had always loved his mum and dad. Equally.

Then you left his dad, (the reasons matter to you …but not here ) and his three siblings chose to go with you.
Nobody can blame your oldest for choosing to stay with his dad…maybe it was just to even things up a bit, and as the oldest he could have felt that as a burden or responsibility to try to do what he saw as the right or diplomatic thing.
You incorrectly took it as a slight/offence against you, when it wasn’t at all.

Your break up and the details of it and your hurt of the fall out and your ‘raw’ feelings, whilst justified for you, were nothing to do with any of your children.

The effects of all that should not have been put on their shoulders in any way.

You should have known that they would simply never ever understand any of it on the same level as you. How could they ? They didn’t have that emotional maturity or that lived experience as a partner.

So yes, OP, subconciously, you did kind of punish your son by going quiet on him. He was already suffering and you let him know how you felt by not responding to him ….as if he had also cheated on you.

It’s black and white for you but it never is for the children….as shown by your daughter inviting her dad to the graduation. You have to go with that, instead of reacting against it. That's your job as a mum. Brush it off and still love them.

Keep your painful divorce right away from your children. Never speak ill of their dad. Try to keep your tears to yourself. You have to dig deep to do all that I know, but if you want lovely relationships down the line with them all, it’s absolutely what you must do …aim to keep your suffering well away from them if you can.

You have a lot of talking to do with your boy. He’s vulnerable even though he’s the oldest. Tread carefully. Apologise for your mistake and make sure he knows you don’t blame him for anything and that you will always, always love him and include him in the future. None of this has been his fault. It was caused between the break up of you and your ex, both of whom he loves equally.
Good luck with everything OP.

Just to add…of course he wouldn't want to have to live with a blended family.
He wasn’t dictating or trying to control, he was expressing a fear. But you couldn’t see it that way as you were too entrenched in suffering your own, all-consuming injustice.

Don't you think it's tasteless or shows poor judgment?

His dad chose to penetrate another woman, which ended their marriage.

OP's son chose to live with his father and behave poorly.

They brought it on themselves and must learn the consequences.

OP could have chosen to take the moral high ground when it came to the children, has chosen not to, and has not only fractured her own relationship with her son, but he other children’s relationship with him as well.

And what about OPs behaviour? Do you think it's okay to ignore your 20 year old son when he reaches out to you? Do you think it's okay to take all your kids away but exclude one? Shouldn't she apologise for going out of her way to exclude and punish her son just because he chose to stay with dad?