AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

I agree with this post. I have children similar age and 20 is still very young.

Ah OP I do think you have been unreasonable here.

your oldest is clearly struggling, at 20 he’s still young. He’s lashed out at you. Calm clear communication is needed. Hard when emotions are high. state the facts. Father had the affair which led (rightly so) to you leaving. Your future relationships are none of his business. Also his feelings are his and it’s wrong to hold that against him.
you should have invited him on holiday. Sharing pictures you knew he would see, like you wanted to punish him for staying with his dad. It’s his decision to live with him.
control the things you can OP. Build bridges, fast, own your own mistakes and get your family (minus cheating waste of space) back together. You need to find a way to respect each others decisions, you don’t need to agree.

good luck OP. This comes from someone with fractured sibling relationships that stemmed from adult behaviours and it never recovered.

He sounds awful frankly. Claiming it's your fault the family is broken up, saying that he forbids you from ever having a new relationship?!

As for saying he won't be part of a blended family. Well he's chosen not even be part of his own family so yeah that makes sense! Plus he's an adult so why would he need to be part of your potential new relationship anyway?

What about his arsehole father who was shagging someone young enough to be his offspring while he was married?! Not one word to say against him?

Presumably it's fine for him to cheat but god forbid you could possibly try and find happiness after being betrayed.

I'm not surprised you didn't invite him. And his sister didn't either.

His diatribe about how he's not your son anymore, while calling you 'mama' like a one year old would. It's pure manipulation and veering towards misogyny.

OP’s son rejects the idea of blended families, despite the fact that his father was the one who fractured the original family through an affair. The irony is rather striking.

His father is, of course, entirely free to arrange a separate holiday for him.

Wow. OP I'm very sorry as of course you will be feeling raw but this is your child. Your son! How could you not even think to invite him on a holiday? That's awful. You are driving a wedge, not him. Of course he will feel divided loyalties, even if he is sticking up for his dad when he shouldn't be it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care. You need to urgently make amends with your son and hold him close, or you will lose him forever. Don't let your husband's awful behaviour ruin your relationship with your son too.

All those saying it was the Dad that broke the family, yes it was. However I have seen sons blame their mother after a split, even when there is cheating from the Dad, as she 'must have done something to drive him away'. People do not always take the logical approach.

Also shocked that PPs are suggesting he is controlling for not wanting to be part of a blended family - who would? It's generally very difficult and in some cases awful. He's obviously hurting. People on here are crazy sometimes.

You are weaponizing your relationship with your son becuase of something your husband did. Your poor son.

He didnt have the affair. He didnt choose his parents. All he did was decide to live with his father. He had a 50/50 choice and made what i bet was a difficult decision.

Since then he has been marginalised by you, his siblings and i dont know possibly other family members'. For gods sake, he is your son and regardless of the relationship breakdown you had with your husband, your son deserves not a single bit of this.

You have made this bitter and drawn a line which your other children are now protecting. I would be very surprised if your son can recover from this and have a healthy relationship with you

I agree entirely.

It is manipulation and misogyny dressed up as moral outrage.

Apparently, the father may sow chaos without consequence, yet OP is expected to endure censure for daring to pursue a relationship of her own.

From a certain perspective it was OP who broke up the family because she wouldn’t (entirely reasonably) put up with her exh behaviour. But the 20 year old isn’t seeing the reasonableness of walking out. He just sees his mother leaving.

What's wrong with a blended family, exactly?

The split is not your eldest DCs fault. At 20 he may be struggling with all kinds of emotions. However much you were hurting, I would still have maintained the relationship with my child. Instead you have gone cold and then reinforced this by taking everyone else away except him. I think you ABVU.

Piffle.

It’s 5 months since the marriage ended. Of course he can’t see his mother with a new partner. In time matters will change.

What about his arsehole father who was shagging someone young enough to be his offspring while he was married?! Not one word to say against him?

THIS!!! Have you reminded him about this, OP? His father is the one who broke up the family

The second her cheating ex-husband penetrated another woman was when his family broke apart.

It’s more complicated than an ‘unblended’ one - no matter what anyone says.

Just for the record, the son is 20. He is a young man. He doesnt need to be part of any blended family. It hasnt got a thing to do with his mother or his father whether he integrates into their future relationships with other partners. All he has said is he cannot see himself acccepting his mum in future relationships. Big deal. His relationship with his mum is all that matters.

The here and now is he has a mum on one side and a father on the other. Where he lives/sleeps should have zero bearing on how his relationship with either goes.

Sorry OP, but I think you have got this completely wrong. You have chose to frame DS as the villain by staying with his father. His family was falling apart (I expect there were rows and recriminations) and he has chosen to stay in his ‘safe place’. Was it near friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, college, part time job? He is allowed to choose the familiar in a time of turmoil.

But instead of accepting that, you have blamed him, ignored him, encouraged division with his siblings and thrown a family holiday without him in his face. Listen to him - he feels an outsider, he has no family. You did that.

The comment about you moving on was stupid and I bet there’s more context. But it is also a wounded young man who is emotionally immature and is clearly anxious about being sidelined yet further. Again, listen to why he might have said that.

You need to fix this. He’s not responsible for your pain but you are for some of his. Reach out. Include the siblings. Be his mother.

Yet, the father can entertain other women?

Hogwash.

You can argue that. But it’s not true from the son’s point of view.

Plenty of blended families manage quite gracefully; your view is simply rather narrow.

We have no idea what the exh is up to post split

This.

You are punishing your son for your husbands affair. That is not ok and therefore YABU.

OP’s son would do well to open his eyes and free himself from his father’s rather tainted perspective. His condemnation would be far better directed at his father’s conduct.

Clearly you’re very invested in this situation but any family with step parents/siblings is more complicated, note I didn’t say it was better or worse.