AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

He is obviously hurting at the breakup of his family. Staying with his dad per se is not a betrayal of you. I'm sure there were practical considerations to wanting to stay in his own home too, and it is unfair to force children to pick sides, even if one party was very clearly at fault. All your children should be allowed to still love their dad and have a relationship with him even whilst acknowledging he did something wrong.

In your shoes I would be making it clear to your son that I will not be tolerating him giving you all the blame or commenting on your hypothetical future relationship choices. BUT at the same time, you are the parent here, so there is much more onus on you to reach out to him. Ignoring his attempts to reach out was petty. Maybe understandable when you were hurting, but also must have been extremely hurtful for him too, to be ignored by his own mother while trying to reach out. It's on you now to make a massive effort to reach out to him and repair the relationship. I would also be encouraging the siblings to make up with each other.

You didn't take him on holidays because of what your husband did, you made your own child pick sides and punished him because he didnt pick ypur side

Sure justify it to yourself you are the one to have to face him not us

He won’t accept a blended family if you re-marry in the future, yet he chose to stay with your ex who broke up the family through an affair?! Is he still seeing the ow? It’s not acceptable for your ds to try to control you by saying that. Has he learnt controlling behaviour from his df? He can’t expect to be invited on holiday given he’s diametrically opposed to his siblings re staying with his df and they all had a big row, not conducive to enjoying a relaxed holiday.

I think it’s really really hard for kids to navigate life when their parents lob a grenade in the shape of an affair into their families.

It was ofc really painful he chose to stay and live with his dad. But I would not have held it against him. I would simply have maintained the relationship without discussing his choice unless he brought it up.

Least said, soonest mended.

It seems like all the pain of your husband’s disgusting behaviour and failure as an honest person, husband and father is being taken out on your son. The wrong target.

He might well have come round to agreeing that his dad has behaved dreadfully in his own time.

All he has learned now is that if he makes a really hard choice in what I am sure were stressful times, his family will lash out and exclude him from family events.

You’ve all behaved shitly now. Not just your slag of a husband. I feel sorry for your eldest son. As well as your other kids but he seems to really in the firing line.

You 100% are treating him as though he’s picked his dad’s side. Equally, you’ve shown your younger DC that they are in favour with you because they picked you.

he’s been punished for not moving out of his home. The younger DCs are probably worrying that you’ll view any communication they have with their dad as disloyalty to you.

I get you’re heartbroken and betrayed. Your life has been been blown apart. But so have the childrens and it’s up to you to make things as easy as possible for them to feel unconditionally loved.

I thought that 😂 I assume the Dad in all this didn’t actually stay with his affair partner but what does the 20 year think he’ll do if his Dad moves someone in? Which men are much more likely to do (for all the unpaid labour) I know a man that says this to his Mum btw, he’s in his 30’s and his Mum has abided by that rule and will likely die alone (sounds like bliss to me but obviously not everyone). 20 is young but he’s no longer a child, he needs to face adulthood.

I think kids say lots of things. Ofc it’s not up to him what the op does. Nor would I actually take much notice of it.

Is his dad not taking him on holiday?

You say you never wanted your children to pick sides but you did actually want them to pick your side and you punished your eldest son for not picking your side. You've admitted you shunned him when he reached out to you.

As the eldest child, did it ever occur to you that he may have felt a responsibility towards his father, as in not leaving him to live alone when you all left? Eldest children often take on responsibility that is not theirs to carry. Imagine how he felt when you all left. This is not a situation of his making, the breakdown of your marriage isn't something he has any control over.

You are rightly and understandably resentful of your ex husband for his betrayal. It's a difficult situation for all of you and there will be things said and done that may well be regretted down the line.

I hope you will reach out to your eldest son and work towards making amends and protecting your relationship with him going forward. Practicing and modelling compassion and forgiveness towards him would be a good start. Have some honest conversation and apologise sincerely for any hurt caused.

How on earth has it all come to this? We separated when our children were younger (teenagers) but never once was there any taking sides or division and never, ever would I 'go quiet' on my child! I cannot understand why any adult would do that to a child. No matter what. No matter what was said to me by a young adult trying to get their head around their parents separation. No matter that he is choosing to live with his father; why shouldn't he? He is his parent as well!

I understand that you are hurting, it is painful by this is a cruel way to treat your son.

OP, you were hurt that your DS chose his father over you, especially as it was his DF who instigated the divorce - but that doesn’t make it OK to go silent on him. Our DC can expect and deserve our unwavering love, even in the face of quite outrageously unreasonable behaviour. As far as the holiday is concerned, I can see how you didn’t think you were being unreasonable, in that you were going on holiday with your household, and relationship were also strained between siblings, but at the same time, I can quite understand how hurtful that would have seemed to your left out DS. Does his father take him in holiday at all? You don’t want to end up in a sort of Instagram one-upmanship competition with your ex. Is there any sort of rapprochement between your DS and his other siblings since then, or has he turned his back on all of you? Very definitely, there are bridges that need to be built, and clearly your DS is hurt. If he feels that “I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider”, then what can you do to show him that this isn’t the case? You need to speak to your resident DC and point out that they are all equally your DC including eldest DS, and that maybe you should be thinking of things to do as a family together. Do you ever have eldest DS over for dinner, or to go out together with the others? You need to see how you can find a way back for you and eldest DS, before it’s too late.

I'd feel pretty left out if I was him too. He's been left out of his sisters graduation and then a family holiday.

Do I agree with his attitude regarding the break up of the family (because his Dad did that not you) and the blended family comment (because you are allowed to move on wether he accepts it or not)? No it's appalling but you and his siblings punishing him because he hasn't reacted to Dad's affair the way you wanted and remained "loyal" like the other 3 isn't ok either you say you don't expect him to pick sides but your actions and the words you've said here show that you do and that's not right no matter how hurt you (understandably) are.

You can explain the breakup without dumping all your emotional reactions on your child like that. All that stuff about your hopes for the rest of your life is for friends, siblings, therapists - not for your child who is having to readjust his own expectations of his life.

Relationships end. The marriage is over. The question is whether that has changed your relationship with your child. For most people, it doesn't. In this case, the OP seems to have recruited her team, reacted frostily to the child who didn't sign up, neglected her relationship with him, and undermined the relationship with his siblings.

Plenty of people go through marriage break-ups. Enlisting your children to listen to your regrets and traumas is not the right way to handle it.

I mean he vs might be an an absolute arse - I can’t see things improving if you (both) carry on the way you are. If you want to not have a relationship in the future then you should carry on. He’s 20, and has 3 siblings.

No.
"My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit."

The estrangement is absolutely not all the son's fault. The OP needs to accept some responsibility as well.

It sounds to me that the things he has been saying are him parroting what he’s heard from your ex. The ex will probably have spun him some stories to paint himself in a better light, and now DS has been caught in a proxy battle that isn’t his to fight.
This age is often the hardest for kids of a separation- people expect them to be ok because they are supposedly grown up but it is incredibly destabilising for young adults who are about to spread their wings to not have a nest to return to.
You have had some harsh responses here OP but I hope you can take on board that you could have done things differently and to repair things with DS there are some apologies to be made. Be open and curious with him, ask him why he thinks these things. Explain your side of the situation with DH, not in an accusatory way, factual and honest about your feelings. He is a hurt confused little boy and you are his mum - I hope you can all find a was to repair and reconnect after Ex blew up the family.
Another thought on the psychological aspect of why he chose to stay with dad initially. My first thought was that dad manipulated him and played the poor me victim card. But also it could have been that he was less secure in the relationship with dad so felt the need to hold on to and strengthen that one thinking that bond with mum was safe/secure; but then devastated and angry when that turned out not to be the case. Your therapist should be able to help you work this stuff out… I am guessing because I don’t know the e people involved but saying this because these are common patterns.

He’s an adult and he’s experiencing the natural consequences of his choices.

My parents divorced when I was 18, and they made us feel guilty if we expressed any kind of loyalty or love to the other side. It was horrible. We had nothing to do with the divorce but they took it out on us, which is what you’re doing with your own kids right now.

I understand you’re feeling a bit raw but your son didn’t cause this mess, so it’s extremely unfair for you to take it out on him. Yes, 20 year olds can have a bit of a black and white vision, but you won’t get him to see your point of view by pushing him away. Stop punishing him and start being the adult here.

YABU For ignoring your son when he attempted to reach out several times.

It isn’t your fault the family fell apart. But it isn’t his fault either.

This

Oh my this is a very sad read , that poor boy ☹️Step up and do something @vhydr , you are the adult in this mess .

'He's an adult who chose to stay with the person who broke up his family'

This really stood out for me.

A very young adult experiencing stress and possibly trauma he’s never dealt with before.

And whatever decision he makes doesn’t have to be permanent. Doesn’t deserve alienation from his mum and siblings.

Where did I say its all his fault? He does need to accept that his words were inappropriate and unacceptable and that his father broke his family up not hos mother.
He's 20 not some child and should know that his demands are quite frankly outrageous